hiding from, struggling with and finally walking in the light

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Joined in 2010
October 4, 2010, 14:43

When i was 4 and a 1/2 i came home to my mum and asked her if she had ever wanted to be a boy so she Could have a girlfriend at that age i had no idea what a lesbian was. I had just started school and had the biggest crush on my year 6 buddy, she told me no she hadnt and i shouldnt think those things.

.it got pushed out of my mind but i always felt different when i was 12 i met my hest friend aimee who introduced me to Christianity but by then i had began to realise that the difference i was feeling was due to my sexuality. I went right through high school on the outer edges never really fitting in, during those years my mother passed away which made me angry at god that on top of struggling with my sexuality and being told that it was evil and wrong turned me to drinking. I would spend most weekends at some party drinking whatever i could get my hands on just so i could feel something!

After a near sexual experience with a boy at 16 and feeling so disgusted and wrong about it i finaly came out to my dad 5 months later he said “geez mel im glad you finally told me, i thought i was gonna have to tell you”! For the first time i felt accepted and not long after met my first girlfriend.

I had always believed in god but my anger had not left me, so the searching that i felt for his love turned me from 1 disastrous relationship to another, some were abusive some were just one night stands that lasted way too long then after breaking up with a violent alcoholic (that i thought i could help) and denying god for so long, i had a revelation i had been crying and pouring my heart out and in the bottom of my shower (which is Where i did all my crying) i told god that i needed him i couldnt do it alone anymore i didnt want to i was sick of being told what i felt was wrong sick of making bad choices and for the first time in my life i could hear god speak to me, he said “i made you and i love you just the way you are, i didnt make a mistake you are who you are supposed to be

” my tears dried instantly though i was in the shower so it was hard to tell and i felt joy unlike that which i had never known i asked him what he wanted me to do and he told me go to church i rang aimee and we started to go every sunday i prayed for a job and i found one that i loved it was there i met mj, at the time i thought she was a gift from god we started seeing each other and it was then i found out how the great deciever works pretty soon i stopped going to church i alienated all my friends i gave up on opportunities and everything that i had, everthing that i was i gave to her and it broke me. The lies, the insecurities, the control and emotional blackmail, it wasnt until aimee messged me one day telling me she was gonna step back out of my life that i began to see what i was losing and once again i heard god in my heart he said ” you need to get out of this relationship its killing you ” full of hurt and angry with myself because i had tried so many times before i said ” you need to give ne the strength ” and just like that he did. We broke up a few days later and i asked god what next and in the next weeks i found my spiritual home at life church i got baptised started volunteering at their cafe that feeds the homeless joined the worship team and am currently trying to kick off a youth group.

Its been a long road to where i am now but i wouldnt change it god has given me so many things and blessed me in so many ways since and i know that my life is better in everyway with him in control

Much love xx

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
October 4, 2010, 15:16

Hi mel10

You’ve certainly been through a lot to get to where you currently are. I’m so glad things are working out and that you’ve got support around you.

Thanks for sharing – I’m sure your story will be an inspiration to many. 🙂


Ann Maree

Joined in 2007
October 4, 2010, 17:04

Hi Mel,

That moment when God finally breaks through and tells you that you don’t need to change is so liberating, isn’t it? Often we still have a path to walk to truly accept it, but it’s a wonderful flash of hope and love that I will never forget.

Thanks for sharing your story with us here.

Joined in 2008
October 4, 2010, 20:48

Hi Mel,

Another welcome from moi and ditto to all that Ann Maree and Myfanwe have said!

Thank you for sharing your story.

Joined in 2010
October 4, 2010, 21:23

thanks heaps for the warm welcome everyone

just feeling really blessed to be able to share with likeminded people

much love xx

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
October 6, 2010, 12:19

Hey Mel… are so welcome here.

How did you find us BTW?

From my experience it is not uncommon for people like ourselves, who have lived with self hatred for some time, to find ourselves in unhealthy or abusive relationships. This is because it has been so ingrained ion us that we are unworthy we begin to believe it and allow others to treat us poorly………over time though, hopefully we get to see the source of what we have been attracting into our lives……and the self hatred is turned to love of self which increases our self respect. Once we have that we only allow others to treat us the same way we would treat them.

hope that makes sense.

Joined in 2010
October 8, 2010, 18:03

hey AVB

kind of by accident there…. i was trawling throught the gay and lesbian christian ministry page on facebook and followed a link to canyon walkers re a blog spot i was interested in reading, it contained a link to a video called it gets better and the lady on that mentioned this website based in australia, i thought praise god im not the only one… lol so i checked out some forums and thought that this would be something i would love to be apart of.

and yea i completely understand the self loathing link to abusive relationships…. though i dont regret them because each one has helped shape me and bring me to this point and for the first time in my life i like who i am and i like where im at!!

much love :bigsmile:

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
October 8, 2010, 19:26

wow…..thats great…..canonwalker is a dear friend of mine at met at a conference I spoke at in Arizona in 1998…..she was just commencing her current journey at that stage

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