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Homophobic life

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matt
 
Joined in 2007
March 6, 2013, 21:55

I feel like all my life I have been homophobic due to a anxiety complex in front of most men in my life that I happen to meet in everyday life. To be Gay for me is living a life of mistrust, and scared of rejection. As most of my life I did not have many male friends to lean towards in my everyday life. I seem to hover to women more in my life in general. Their was a certain uneasy point of being open with another man. For some times I can not be myself in front of some men. I try to manage the best way I can. Yet I have a complex still. I can get to know people socially. But only when women are present as well. I always think safety is best to me. I have always wanted a sense of protection. When I live in a place, I always want the safety in security. I think being Gay can be a challenge to me some times. Sometimes I cover up my whole Identity as a Gay man. I really thought I wanted a father to be near. Perhaps that is why for so many years I turned to a Spiritual Father God of Hope. Has turned into a nucleus of torment at times. So to be Gay for me is sort of a cover up most of the time. I look at my disabled mum who needs care now. And know she is a person I care for when I visit her. I am the apple of her eye. She really looks at me as some sort of hope for her life now. Yet she really does not understand me all the time in my life as a person today. She can share some advice with me of yesteryear. And really loves my company as a loving son. She knows I am Gay. But she rather worries about my safety as a Gay man in the society today. She really has made me think of the word 'protection' a lot. So to be with another man would still present a challenge to me as well. I like to always be safe in every way I know. Thank you.



Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
March 7, 2013, 11:33

HI Matt,


Thank you for sharing some of your story. I'm sure you have read many of the stories on this site, some would have similarities to your own. Take strength, courage and hope when you read these stories, you are not alone, you have the support, acceptance and love of people at F2B.


It sounds like you are a loving son and have a mother that also loves you and appreciates you. As far as her not understanding you all the time, do we really fully understand anyone? I think we all want to feel safe, protected and secure, so you are not alone in that feeling.


If you haven't been already I encourage you to go to a F2B meeting where you can meet other like minded people and over time I'm sure you will start to feel comfortable with them and slowly will be yourself. The people at the meetings are very welcoming, friendly, supportive, encouraging and accepting. There is no pressure to do anything, you can sit quietly up the back or join in as much as you choose. It is also a place of safety as is this forum.


God Bless



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
March 7, 2013, 22:08

Hi Matt

Welcome to f2b and thanks for sharing some of your story. 🙂

It's wonderful that you are close to your mother and you feel her love for you. That's a great strength and blessing even if she doesn't understand all the time. As Mother Hen says, no one can really ever fully understand us.

I hope you enjoy reading the stories here and get to attend a f2b meeting where you will meet wonderful people. 🙂

Blessings,

Ann Maree



matt
 
Joined in 2007
March 8, 2013, 12:52

To whom it may concern


I have tried Freedom 2be a long while ago. I just can not still be myself in front of other Gay men. At the moment, I do meditation to feel a missing hole void in my heart. I just some times don't know how far I would go in being "Gay. I am really just doing the best I can to live a productive life. By finding a job, for a sense of stability and real hope. That I can be contributing in society as a productive worker. And really have some sort of sense of purpose. I now have some sort of stable accomodation. Some where I can call a home. A place to live and be centred in purpose. For I always found it real difficuilt to find a stable place to live, for a while. When I was in part of various christian church life shared christian homes. So life is really what you only make of it. When you come from a broken down life. I need to still build up trust.

Sorry and thankyou.


All the best in every way.



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
March 11, 2013, 10:07

Hi Matt

One step at a time. It's OK for you to do whatever you need to move forward. It's good you have found accommodation for yourself. 🙂 According to Maslow's theory (and this fits with my own experiences), we all need a secure base, food and shelter before we can branch out and satisfy our emotional, community and belonging needs.

Keep us posted. 🙂

Blessings,

Ann Maree



matt
 
Joined in 2007
March 11, 2013, 21:29

Thankyou Ann Maree


I hope for what I do as a productive person. Is to really feel centred in my own sense of purpose. For life is what you make of it. To be able to have stability in general life. Is what I have always yearned for all my life. A goal is what you make of it. Yet when you feel like you have lost a inner direction of true stability. You often chase the moment of what you only need as a sense of open dependence. So my church life in the past was yearning a sense of dependence of some kind. I had lived with a christian family in my twentys. And thought I needed a form of a family home. I went to church very often. And always wanted the change in hope. Yet it was a control of a broken promise. I could not live up to the expectation within the family christian home. That had a mother father brother and sister. Yet it seemed like a sanctury of peace some times. Yet now my life, has been a coaster of new light today.


Thankyou and all the best in every way


God Bless you now.


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