how do i go about dealing with sexual issues?

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Joined in 2013
December 19, 2013, 21:27

G'day Al Your question is simple and basic. There should be an answer. Mostly my experience is that there is not. I asked a similar question of a social worker some years ago. She was very derisive and vehemently said "to forget about it".

I admire you for having the audacity to ask the question. I agree with what has been said by others, but I have another slant on it.

To really give advice on suppressing sexual urges or otherwise, I would want to know your personal history—family and friends etc and your medical and physical state eg levels of hormones ,neurotransmitters etc. In other words thousands of factors which end up giving us our unique potential for sexual expression

In other words, an impossible task which is why no one really wants to talk about it. eg Cardinal Pell and Archbishop Jensen both offered the excuse "no one wants to talk about it " when pressed by interviewers about sexual abuse in the church.

Perhaps the rare bit of honesty comes from elder aboriginal women in South Australia when they blamed "secret women's' business" for some social problems.

Mother Hen
Joined in 2011
December 20, 2013, 17:51

Some really great answers here. I totally agree with what Ann Maree has said

Quote from Ann Maree on December 9, 2013, 11:37 pm

Re voluntary celibacy, I think that is a gift for a select few only. I believe it's like a special calling and certainly not meant for everyone.

I was wondering if this same question could also be asked of straight guys. Does it matter if you are Gay or straight isn't the question and answers the same? Or is your concern over this issue because you are gay and see that as being a problem.

To me it doesn't matter if someone is gay or straight, male in this case, the issues around sexual urges and trying to control them is the same. Do you have some single straight or gay male friends you could ask this same question too. Christian friends if this is important to you.

Joined in 2013
December 25, 2013, 20:01

G'day again Al, After my last post, I had the pleasure of reading Bishop Geoffery Robinsons " For Christ's Sake" The book is a very sound thrashing of the RC hierarchy, including the Pope, as a result of the recent child sexual abuse allegations. It reinforces my feelings about initial sexual experiences.

Sexual urges you experience don't just happen like someone with hunger pains. In this case you just find something to eat. Obviously with sex urges it is very complicated. Bishop Robinson, as you would expect from a theologian, uses torrents of words some translated into Greek or Egyptian and regurgitated back into English, to argue his case against harmful sexual experience. I just can't understand most of these religious people who cannot use and trust science.

eg A male with average Testosterone levels will have sexual urges and ambitions. If however, the nerve "machinery" is, for a number of reasons, not working properly, you have a serious problem. ie much temptation, much desire, but no outlet and no tangible sign of frustration. I have ideas for a solution but I fear that they might be even more impossible than Bishop Robinsons suggested reform of the RC church.

Joined in 2013
December 26, 2013, 01:13

i have a disability but it doesnt affect me much in my day to day life. i am a very intelligent and bright individual. I had a really bad experience (but i wont really discuss this matter in the public forum) when i was first coming out to myself which kind of made me really cautious about where i threw my sexual feelings and urges.

Joined in 2005
January 4, 2014, 16:47

Hi Al

Thats quite an interesting question.

The answer I would suggest to you is that you need to work out the answer that feels right to you. I will share some of my Journey and observations – but I have seen a number of people I highly admire and respect come to a number of different answers on this question and I dont think that necessarily any of them are wrong.

So this is my non professional middle aged opinion on the matter.

Are sexual urges a Sin ? No I dont think so.

For a start – in the old testament – it was OK to go to prostitutes (and I can cite off the top two cases for this – Tamar – who DISGUISED herself as a prostitute and seduced Judah and also Rahab who despite being a prostitute is listed as an ancestor of Jesus, a person of Faith in Hebrews and of Good Works in James ) AND it was OK to have many wives and concubines (so a concubine is NOT the same as marriage) so thats having sex OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE.

So if you are willing to accept that God made you Gay – (as Im whilling to accept it was no choice of mine and thats just the way that I was put together) then my thinking is that my sexual urges are just a part of me.

Like anything we need to manage them. (I know .. how is the question ?)

We need to eat healthy (OK I have a tendency towards certain foods that perhaps I should eay less off) and and not over eat ( or else we risk health problems or maybe the sin of gluttony – hows that for an old fashioned sin)

And our sexual urges are like eating – some people make great Vegetarians – and never miss meat.

My father tried many times – even under many different experts – and each time – he ended up ill – his metabolism needs meat.

As Paul says – some people can be celibate – but some can't.

And for someone who has no trouble with celibacy to say to someone with a really high libido – this is how you should manage it – its not a ideal situation.

I know – I tried – many times – and I couldnt manage it. <blush>

As to How to manage it – eventually I met a partner and Ive been with them for nearly 14 years now.

I am sorry you had a "bad experience". Sadly that can happen.

and I guess Ive made my share of mistakes – learned some Valuable lessons (some of which I cant really talk about in public either)

So I guess I would boil things down to a number of thoughts

Keep Safe

Take small steps

I dont think God obsesses over sex or the small stuff the way people think he does…. (Think about it – Jesus spent his TIME with the sinners etc out of preference – and as I mentioned above the bible is cool with prostitutes – despite the message some try to present)

God will forgive if you make a mistake (well dont blaspheme the holy spirit but apart from that – he is a God of forgiveness).. Im not saying do something you FEEL is wrong – but what I am saying is relax a little to what your body says.

Remember to keep a balance – sexual release (how ever you find it) is very freeing – and Ive found that its not uncommon for people who deal with this question (or a pentecostal background etc) often end up with a sex or porn addiction (even pentecostal ministers are known for it funnily enough) and its because we tried to keep it bottled up for so long – then when it escapes we run around like a kid in a candy store…. (and thats OK but keep safe dont let it take over or go on too long. )

I would suggest contacting maybe the local AIDS council (if there is one) in your area. The ones here often have workshops for people "coming out" that deal with how to safely cope with things like the internet, STDs (which are not Gods Judgement but still its better deal from knowdge on such matters) and other options for "release" and even if they dont have a course – they just may have some one you can talk to privately that can provide you with ideas which will be both helpful and not cross any limits you dont want to cross (now or later)

The other suggestion is a GP – whether yours – OR if you dont want to see yours on this topic go see one in the local "Gay village" (Thats a phase from one of my favourite movies Mambo Italiano) Any GP with lots of Gay Patients will be very cool and hip on this subject. (find a local gay paper – Gay medical centres will advertise in there I would think. At least they do here….

Hope that is helpful. Let me know if its not clear or feel free to PM me.

Joined in 2013
January 9, 2014, 10:08

G'day again AL, I keep coming back to your original query, and there ought to be an answer. One line of thought I have is that one may start by looking for a date. Whether it is male or female may depend on your development at the time, but in my day you would look for a date at say 1) a church group 2) a local dance hall. Next I would venture to suggest that "love is never wrong", even if it is sexually based. The latter quote comes from the "detective Lewis TV series, so don't expect any clergy to verify or agree with it.

I pray for my family and I pray for you Al , but God helps and we help ourselves, so I just feel like I am one of your sparring partners.

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