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I'm 44, married with children, and recently coming to terms with my gay sexuality

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Dwayne
 
Joined in 2011
February 14, 2011, 05:16

Hello everyone! This community is wonderful… I just wish it was closer to me in Canada.


I am NOT out… and my name here is Dwayne.


I grew up in a loving Christian home and always knew I was a little different than other boys. I was your typical non-jock. I hated sports and was not good at any of them. I loved music, I play piano, I love to talk and be around people and just didn’t seem to fit in with the guy world around me. I managed fine… and turned out pretty healthy and stable.


As a young man, I did have an attraction to other men, but I never followed through with any. I did have a few explorations as you boy with another boy but I just chalked that up to being normal childhood development. I continually locked away any feelings of attraction towards men and never told anyone. I dated girls, got married at 23 and was very active in church all along… never giving any voice to those thoughts and feelings I pushed down. Why should I give them voice? Scripture clearly told me to flee from sin and men in love with men was clearly a sin.


I was a young man with a high degree of faith. I believed and internalized without question. I did rock the boat in some things, but never this. I went through my life happily, never questioning my sexuality. I love my wife, love my kids. I felt called into ministry and my entire vocational life has been very successful and in the vocation of ministry.


I’ve been to seminary, have numerous graduate hours of study in counseling, worked in Christian ministries serving abused and neglected children, youth in trouble with the law, full-time pastor in a church plant reaching out to people on the fringes, the not so desireables that most churches don’t want in their church. I was living out the call and the great commission to share the love of Christ and bring hope… meeting people and accepting people where they were. I have skills and training in a wide variety of amazing areas. I’m soooo blessed!!!! I’m a trained mediator (in various settings), I’ve trained mediators, I’m a trained coach and love coaching others to achieve their fullest potential. I’m now currently involved in a parachurch ministry that is doing community development work where we are walking alongside community members and empowering them to accomplish great things in their community and lives and not just sitting back waiting for everyone else to do things for them. Isnt that how God wired us? In his image to be creative and agents of action and change?


With such a wonderful life and so many great gifts, talents, skills and experiences…. why did everything begin to fall apart for me about 2 years ago? Why was I no longer able to surpress this part of me that I’d kept hidden for so many years? Why did I have to finally find out what it would be like to follow my passion for men? Answers I may never find… and I’m ok with it…. but its really turned my world upside down.


I consider myself to be very stable and strong. But, for the first time I’m asking questions, looking for answers for things that I had just accepted and am no longer willing to accept. I’m loving this journey, although it is very difficult. I don’t love the secrecy that this journey has taken me on. I’ve always been a very transparent and honest individual. This journey has changed all that. I’ve found a man whom I’ve fallen in love with. He’s also married in a very similar situation with kids about the same age. We get together often and love being with each other. Neither of us like being so deceitful and secret about our desire to be with each other, but we don’t want to end it.


I want to come to a place of understanding with the scripture that I’ve loved for so long. I’m at a place where I don’t want to desert my faith and walk away from my Lord who has been so good to me all these years. But I just can’t seem to get beyond this mindset that my sexual attraction to men is sin within me. I’m not giving up… and willing to go down this painful path. I have a little fear of my entire world and every relationship I know crumbling when I reveal my homosexuality. My world is not very accepting of this “sin”. They try to accept the “sinner” but not the behavior. I’ve preached that myself and feel so horrible for saying those words.


On a wonderful journey to wholeness! I look forward to meeting you on the others side πŸ™‚


Searching peacefully,

Dwayne


PS – Thanks for reading my rambling…. Its very cathartic to release… blessings



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
February 14, 2011, 07:19

Hi Dwayne


It’s great to have you here. πŸ™‚


The questioning time is difficult, especially at the start of the journey when you have all the opposing thoughts and church teachings to contend with.


You may have seen avb’s post at another story you commented on that outlines some phases that many of us can relate to.


avb wrote:



The process most gay and lesbian Christians go through in order to resolve the perceived conflict between their faith and their sexuality

1. We know deep within our hearts that we are okay

2. If we begin studying a bit deeper we think that we and the authors we are reading are just trying to justify our positions – keep reading

3. The next step is – we fear being deceived by satan – keep reading

4. The next step is – you realise that this is not a black and white issue and the evidence at least means no one can say for certain, absolutely, definitely without a shadow of doubt. – keep reading

5. The next step is – we realise the evidence is overwhelming that the interpretations have been based on reading English translations viewed through a limited cultural lens of preconceived ideas and misconceptions.

6. You realise that it’s not just you who has this new understanding but also a growing number of heterosexual Christians and scholars.

7. No more cognitive dissonance and you can get on with your life living it with purpose and meaning; no longer drained by the subconscious sense that you are condemned and unworthy. The words of Jesus become profoundly true. You will know the truth and the truth will set you free. John 8:32


For me also I recall being in love with a woman for the first time and feeling so wonderful.. And I kept thinking but surely God couldn’t be against this?


I look forward to hearing more from you. Welcome to f2b! πŸ™‚


Blessings,


Ann Maree



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
February 14, 2011, 12:02

Welcome Dwayne……so glad to see you found us. As you will see here that are lots of similar stories to yours which I hope makes you feel a little less alone in this journey.


…..and we are very very supportive here…..which no doubt you will see as well.



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
February 14, 2011, 12:07

BTW……you may want to change the particular city you are from in your post…….someone could accidental find your story here if they search a particular way…….and you have revealed more than you want to at this stage.



Boi70
 
Joined in 2007
February 14, 2011, 21:12

Welcome Dwayne to F2b.


I can understand / relate to your story in so many ways. I grew up in a Christian home, and was very involved in church. It came as a shock the first time, that I feel in love with a man – my best friend at Church – and he was married . It really turned my world upside down. I couldn’t ignore my feelings for him, and couldn’t ignore or hide that I was gay to myself.


Ann Maree mentioned the phases that AVB has posted previously. Like so many others here, I can relate to those too. As I came to terms with me being gay, and then accepting that God made me that way, I realised that my mindset or how I felt about ‘gay’ = ‘sin’, was more about the programming that happened because of what I had heard at home, from my friends and others in school and then within the Church. For me, I just needed to allow God to ‘reprogram’ me, to see myself, as he actually sees me, and how he loves me, as he created me.


So, I will be hoping and praying that you come to that place of understanding – along that journey to wholeness that you mentioned. πŸ™‚ It is really fantatic that you have begun that journey.


God Bless,



Dwayne
 
Joined in 2011
February 15, 2011, 06:56

Thanks for the encouraging words and suggestions. Well received for the journey ahead. Keep them coming πŸ˜‰



Dwayne
 
Joined in 2011
February 23, 2011, 13:27

Ann Maree

Thanks for your feedback and the quote you included in your response. It’s a great list and after much contemplation, I find myself at #4 and wrestling through #5. It’s quite interesting how those points have been outlined. In reading them it was like you were reading my mind. Each of those steps I can clearly hear myself thinking. So nice to know I’m not alone! Glad I found this place.


Dwayne



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
February 23, 2011, 13:49

Hi Dwayne


I’m so glad that was helpful!


It seems you are doing well to have progressed to steps 4 and 5 on avb’s list. πŸ™‚


Glad to have you with us.


Blessings,


Ann Maree



Myfanwe
 
Joined in 2007
February 23, 2011, 14:41

Hi Dwayne,


Great to have you on our forums, and to read the story of your journey so far. I think it is great that you are at phase #4 and working your way to #5.


I would personally place myself at #6 and working my way towards #7 with occaisional slips back to #5 right now. It’s a process, and sometimes one that takes a lot of struggle and perseverence, but it is definitely worth it!


Once more, welcome, and I look forward to sharing the journey with you.


Blessings,


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