Hello everyone! This community is wonderful… I just wish it was closer to me in Canada.
I am NOT out… and my name here is Dwayne.
I grew up in a loving Christian home and always knew I was a little different than other boys. I was your typical non-jock. I hated sports and was not good at any of them. I loved music, I play piano, I love to talk and be around people and just didn’t seem to fit in with the guy world around me. I managed fine… and turned out pretty healthy and stable.
As a young man, I did have an attraction to other men, but I never followed through with any. I did have a few explorations as you boy with another boy but I just chalked that up to being normal childhood development. I continually locked away any feelings of attraction towards men and never told anyone. I dated girls, got married at 23 and was very active in church all along… never giving any voice to those thoughts and feelings I pushed down. Why should I give them voice? Scripture clearly told me to flee from sin and men in love with men was clearly a sin.
I was a young man with a high degree of faith. I believed and internalized without question. I did rock the boat in some things, but never this. I went through my life happily, never questioning my sexuality. I love my wife, love my kids. I felt called into ministry and my entire vocational life has been very successful and in the vocation of ministry.
I’ve been to seminary, have numerous graduate hours of study in counseling, worked in Christian ministries serving abused and neglected children, youth in trouble with the law, full-time pastor in a church plant reaching out to people on the fringes, the not so desireables that most churches don’t want in their church. I was living out the call and the great commission to share the love of Christ and bring hope… meeting people and accepting people where they were. I have skills and training in a wide variety of amazing areas. I’m soooo blessed!!!! I’m a trained mediator (in various settings), I’ve trained mediators, I’m a trained coach and love coaching others to achieve their fullest potential. I’m now currently involved in a parachurch ministry that is doing community development work where we are walking alongside community members and empowering them to accomplish great things in their community and lives and not just sitting back waiting for everyone else to do things for them. Isnt that how God wired us? In his image to be creative and agents of action and change?
With such a wonderful life and so many great gifts, talents, skills and experiences…. why did everything begin to fall apart for me about 2 years ago? Why was I no longer able to surpress this part of me that I’d kept hidden for so many years? Why did I have to finally find out what it would be like to follow my passion for men? Answers I may never find… and I’m ok with it…. but its really turned my world upside down.
I consider myself to be very stable and strong. But, for the first time I’m asking questions, looking for answers for things that I had just accepted and am no longer willing to accept. I’m loving this journey, although it is very difficult. I don’t love the secrecy that this journey has taken me on. I’ve always been a very transparent and honest individual. This journey has changed all that. I’ve found a man whom I’ve fallen in love with. He’s also married in a very similar situation with kids about the same age. We get together often and love being with each other. Neither of us like being so deceitful and secret about our desire to be with each other, but we don’t want to end it.
I want to come to a place of understanding with the scripture that I’ve loved for so long. I’m at a place where I don’t want to desert my faith and walk away from my Lord who has been so good to me all these years. But I just can’t seem to get beyond this mindset that my sexual attraction to men is sin within me. I’m not giving up… and willing to go down this painful path. I have a little fear of my entire world and every relationship I know crumbling when I reveal my homosexuality. My world is not very accepting of this “sin”. They try to accept the “sinner” but not the behavior. I’ve preached that myself and feel so horrible for saying those words.
On a wonderful journey to wholeness! I look forward to meeting you on the others side π
Searching peacefully,
Dwayne
PS – Thanks for reading my rambling…. Its very cathartic to release… blessings
|