I cannot recall where I left off, but I shall begin the long task of updating you with my life.
I am out, entirely. I don’t hide my sexuality at all. I don’t flaunt it, but I don’t hide it. My friends are entirely comfortable with it, even excited, and things are great.
But then there is my family.
My parents are cold. They’re voice shakes with tears when the topic remains in conversation for an extended period of time. They close themselves up and are angry, speaking about my sexuality as if it is a seperate being, an enemy that has its hand’s over my eyes and has taken me from them. When we cover issues about my future, it is always “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.” And I know the bridges will not be prepared for a nice passage when we get there.
And my sister – she is the worst of all. The last three times I had a complete conversation with here were vile – she attacks me with her beliefs, her closed mind that I fear is still in the mindset of a child, and her disgust for my love of men. She hurts me so bad, and I always fold my hands on my lap, slouch over, and quietly defend myself. But, the last things I heard her say during our last fight was “I will NEVER get over this!”
My parents had a talk with her. I am sure they told her to stop fighting with me, or she’d lose me for good. Ever since then, she’s been being so plastically kind to me (as often as I see her, about once every 2 weeks). But I see it in her eyes that she is still filled with hate for what I did to the family, how I shook it’s quiet foundation on the rock of conservative christianity.
And despite her attempts to act kinder towards me, random things she says every now and then are horribly unsettling. For example, she’ll say things like “male models are disgusting” because they appear feminine, She’ll grow outraged with my dad if he says anything about how another man looks. She’s terrifyingly closed minded, and she’s becoming a burden on any chances my parents might have at accepting me.
Despite the fact her artificial kindness is her attempt to not lose me (because she feels that as long as she hasn’t lost me, there’s a chance she can change me), I have already let her go. I cannot bear to have her in my life.
I don’t know if I already told you this, but not long after I came out to my parents they made me visit a therapist (who was a christian) because they wanted to see if this was something that could be fixed, and they were hoping her christianity would rub off on me. I reluctantly went just to avoid more conflict, and to prove to my parents I was not broken. This was not something I wanted or needed fixed. The therapist was kind and did not seem to wish to change me – but she was a christian, obviously she felt I was in the wrong. A few appointments in, I began to feel as though she was vibing to me that I needed to change my mind, so I forced my parents to make me stop seeing her.
Through all of this, my life outside of the home was undergoing it’s own changes. When I turned 18, I placed myself onto a dating site to see if maybe I could find someone to love, someone to feel safe with. It was entirely secretive.
I met someone, or so I thought.
His name was John. He were slightly younger than me. He was kind, and he seemed to care about me. His family was super christian, and he was in the closet. Occasionally he would flirt, and being of the nervous nature I am, I cowered – but I played along. I told myself I needed to change. I was afraid that all he wanted was sex, but he really seemed as though he wanted a good relationship.
So I met him.
From day one he didn’t seem like someone who was ready for a relationship, but his desire for me kept me on a leash. I wanted to be wanted, so I played along. Eventually he asked me if we could make it official, so we did. We were going out.
He introduced me to his friend Scott. Scott was kind of his 47 year old mentor. Scott was the epitamy of the gay community. He listened to stereotypical gay music, watched the gay tv channel, and talked about sex constantly. John felt at home in these situations, and I felt dreadfully out of place. Scott was a nice guy – but his values were far different from mine.
Eventually Scott tried coming onto me. He admitted that he liked me a lot and wanted to do things with me. When it was clear Scott wasn’t going to give up, I told John. John lashed out at Scott, and Scott backed up.
But soon John started acting suspicious (after only 2 month of going out). I was concerned he was seeing other guys. John was the kind of person who always desired attention and affirmation – he kept his ex on a leash for the sake of recieving messages begging him to get back together with him. He was always adding guys to his facebook, guys I didn’t know.
Soon, John made it clear he wanted sex.
After one night, I didn’t put out, and he rapidly lost interest. When we were breaking up, I told him I was entirely glad for the idea, that I knew it wasn’t working. He was obviously hurt that he didn’t mean the world to me, I was the first guy who was glad to say goodbye to him. During this conversation, John admitted to having cheated on me.
That’s when it got really hard to keep my cool, but I did.
Funny thing is, recently he tried to get back together with me. I said no.
I was glad to be rid of the extreme gay community I was being drawn into. It scared me, to see no commitment, no love; just sex.
It built a shell around me. I am a much tougher person, I play hard to get, and I am somber. It seems as though sweet comments or compliments don’t penetrate my heart, for I don’t believe them anymore. Any talk of sex and I immediately put up a shield. I am curled up in this shell, and I find it so hard to trust anyone.
That’s a rushed update of my life. Forgive it’s length.
Thanks for reading.