After my break up with John, I resumed to my dreaming and excitement about college residence.
One day, on facebook, a stranger added me. They were named Nathan. They wanted to hang out and get to know one another. But we didn’t hang out for quite some time – we just talked on the phone and msn’d and stuff like that.
Eventually, we did meet, on January 15, 2011. And he was dreamy. He kissed my hand, dedicated songs to me at karaoke, and gave me a hoodie for ‘when I missed him.’ He drew a little picture and wrote ‘Nathan +’ and told me to write my name beside it.
We hung out once a week after that, for that’s as often as we could. Nathan is 28, but doesn’t have his license as a result that it had expired and he never really tried to get it back. He was also unemployed, and lived with his parents.
Nathan was completely content with my old-fashioned views of sex and taking it very slow. This contentedness helped me to feel very safe around him, to the point that I think I’d be ready should we decide to do something.
Nathan’s past is a dark one, stained with heavy promiscuity – the gay community at it’s absolute worst. The gay community of sugar daddies, bathhouses, orgies, hook-ups, etc. Nathan knew he couldn’t find happiness in this world, so he left it, right around the time he first messaged me.
I lied to my parents one day and told them I was going to a sleep over at my friends house. When really, I was going to spend the day and night at a motel with Nathan. We kissed and cuddled a lot, but we didn’t have sex, believe it or not. Luckily, the next day, I took the bus to the mall and my parents picked me up there. I got away with it completely.
(Yes, I know it’s a sin to lie to my parents, I am sorry).
Over time Nathan began to introduce to me his beliefs when it came to God. Apparently, he is mostly a Jehovah’s Witness. He feels very strongly about his faith and wants with all his heart for me to accept it as truth, everything he says. But I’m more of a philosopher, saying one cannot be certain of anything, and this always upsets him. But he loves me anyways.
Nathan wanted to get an apartment for when I went to school. For 2 reasons I was uncomfortable with this. For one, despite the fact that he cares about me so desperately and wants to financially support me and be my man through life, I feel as though something isn’t clicking between us – maybe its the 10 years age difference, maybe it’s the maturity level. Secondly, I always thought of college residence as freedom valley, a place where I could just be a youth and do whatever I wanted, be whoever I wanted – I could just be free.
Yesterday, I tried to break up with him. We were both bawling our eyes out over skype, and he was begging me to change my mind. He threatened to kill himself, or at least to inflict harm upon himself.
And during this skype chat, he said something to me that felt like a knife in my heart. He said ‘Tim, whether you believe it or not, we are a bent a broken people. It is wrong and unnatural to be gay. I want to be your life partner, your best friend and your love – I want to, should we ever decide to follow the bible and take the straight and narrow path, be abstinent with you. For that is all that matters to me is spending eternity with you. All I want is to go to Heaven with you. I don’t even want to go to Heaven, if it isn’t with you.’
I began to cry uncontrollably, and ended the skype chat. I’d never screamed the F word so loud.
Even after the skype chat ended, he continued to text me about giving it another shot. He messaged me saying that I was his reason for living, I was all he loved and cared about, I was his sunshine, he was only happy when he was with me. He was saying he couldn’t stop crying, he couldn’t sleep a wink all night, and had to leave his new-found job early because he couldn’t hold back the tears. He continues to threaten to kill himself if I leave him.
He sent me a facebook message saying ‘Tim, you are my sunshine,’ and continued on with a list as to how it would be impossible for me to ever find anyone else who loved and cared about me as much as he did. He continues to beg me to give us another go. Saying how much he misses his boy, how much he just wants to hold me, how much of a terrible, terrible mistake it is for me to even think we aren’t made for each other.
Guys, I don’t know what to do. I’m so torn to pieces right now. I know I’d miss him like hell should we part, but I guess that’s natural. But I’m just, I’m so afraid that leaving him would be a mistake I would regret forever. But I’m also afraid to stay with him, because that too could be a regret.
Guys what do I do, I can’t stop crying, please make this decision for me.