I'm a 17 year old gay male, out to one person, miserable.

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Joined in 2009
November 29, 2010, 11:31

Thanks 🙂

September’s an odd time? Does school start during a different month in Australia? School starting in september is all I’ve ever known!

Joined in 2009
November 29, 2010, 12:33

Southern hemisphere, yeah. Our school years align with actual years, since our summer is over the new year break.

You think that’s weird, try picturing Christmas day at the beach. That’s how we do things down here =)

Joined in 2009
March 18, 2011, 05:18


After my break up with John, I resumed to my dreaming and excitement about college residence.

One day, on facebook, a stranger added me. They were named Nathan. They wanted to hang out and get to know one another. But we didn’t hang out for quite some time – we just talked on the phone and msn’d and stuff like that.

Eventually, we did meet, on January 15, 2011. And he was dreamy. He kissed my hand, dedicated songs to me at karaoke, and gave me a hoodie for ‘when I missed him.’ He drew a little picture and wrote ‘Nathan +’ and told me to write my name beside it.

We hung out once a week after that, for that’s as often as we could. Nathan is 28, but doesn’t have his license as a result that it had expired and he never really tried to get it back. He was also unemployed, and lived with his parents.

Nathan was completely content with my old-fashioned views of sex and taking it very slow. This contentedness helped me to feel very safe around him, to the point that I think I’d be ready should we decide to do something.

Nathan’s past is a dark one, stained with heavy promiscuity – the gay community at it’s absolute worst. The gay community of sugar daddies, bathhouses, orgies, hook-ups, etc. Nathan knew he couldn’t find happiness in this world, so he left it, right around the time he first messaged me.

I lied to my parents one day and told them I was going to a sleep over at my friends house. When really, I was going to spend the day and night at a motel with Nathan. We kissed and cuddled a lot, but we didn’t have sex, believe it or not. Luckily, the next day, I took the bus to the mall and my parents picked me up there. I got away with it completely.

(Yes, I know it’s a sin to lie to my parents, I am sorry).

Over time Nathan began to introduce to me his beliefs when it came to God. Apparently, he is mostly a Jehovah’s Witness. He feels very strongly about his faith and wants with all his heart for me to accept it as truth, everything he says. But I’m more of a philosopher, saying one cannot be certain of anything, and this always upsets him. But he loves me anyways.

Nathan wanted to get an apartment for when I went to school. For 2 reasons I was uncomfortable with this. For one, despite the fact that he cares about me so desperately and wants to financially support me and be my man through life, I feel as though something isn’t clicking between us – maybe its the 10 years age difference, maybe it’s the maturity level. Secondly, I always thought of college residence as freedom valley, a place where I could just be a youth and do whatever I wanted, be whoever I wanted – I could just be free.

Yesterday, I tried to break up with him. We were both bawling our eyes out over skype, and he was begging me to change my mind. He threatened to kill himself, or at least to inflict harm upon himself.

And during this skype chat, he said something to me that felt like a knife in my heart. He said ‘Tim, whether you believe it or not, we are a bent a broken people. It is wrong and unnatural to be gay. I want to be your life partner, your best friend and your love – I want to, should we ever decide to follow the bible and take the straight and narrow path, be abstinent with you. For that is all that matters to me is spending eternity with you. All I want is to go to Heaven with you. I don’t even want to go to Heaven, if it isn’t with you.’

I began to cry uncontrollably, and ended the skype chat. I’d never screamed the F word so loud.

Even after the skype chat ended, he continued to text me about giving it another shot. He messaged me saying that I was his reason for living, I was all he loved and cared about, I was his sunshine, he was only happy when he was with me. He was saying he couldn’t stop crying, he couldn’t sleep a wink all night, and had to leave his new-found job early because he couldn’t hold back the tears. He continues to threaten to kill himself if I leave him.

He sent me a facebook message saying ‘Tim, you are my sunshine,’ and continued on with a list as to how it would be impossible for me to ever find anyone else who loved and cared about me as much as he did. He continues to beg me to give us another go. Saying how much he misses his boy, how much he just wants to hold me, how much of a terrible, terrible mistake it is for me to even think we aren’t made for each other.

Guys, I don’t know what to do. I’m so torn to pieces right now. I know I’d miss him like hell should we part, but I guess that’s natural. But I’m just, I’m so afraid that leaving him would be a mistake I would regret forever. But I’m also afraid to stay with him, because that too could be a regret.

Guys what do I do, I can’t stop crying, please make this decision for me.

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
March 18, 2011, 07:02

Hi HydeLeach

It’s important to be compatible on a number of levels with another person when it comes to partnering… so there needs to be more than the emotional stuff. And maybe there is, I don’t know. I’m just saying it as something to think about.

I also think you have good intuition and need to listen to that. You already intuited that at this stage of your life, living with Nathan didn’t feel right and that you needed your college residence experience.. I think that’s good on your part and feels right to me.. Notice what else you feel strongly about and honour that regardless of Nathan’s responses. If you can’t honour your own truths first and foremost, the relationship won’t last anyway.

Nathan also said that he wants a life of abstinence with you, I think driven by his JW faith. Is that what you would want if you stayed with him?

It’s really good to hear from you again HydeLeach, although I’m really sorry this is such a torturous time for you. Keep talking with us. We are here for you.


Ann Maree

Chapter Leader
Joined in 2008
March 18, 2011, 18:59

I’m asking myself, “Will I give a politically-correct answer (and be tender and gracious), or will I be brutally frank?”

Sorry, but I’ve decided on the latter.

All my years of experience in the social welfare field seeing the causes and results of poor relationship choices causes me to say “Let it go, mate”. I am afraid that I see just too many warning signs against a satisfactory ongoing relationship.

Learn from the experience. Get some help to deal with the pain of the loss (of the relationship – past, future and imagined). I know you will be feeling a BIG pain, but many others (including many Freedom2b folk) have been down the same path (of breakup pain) and survived. Don’t allow yourself to succumb to emotional blackmail.

God has the right partner for you at the right time. You have time on your side.

My dear old mother used to say, “It’s better to wish that you were married, than to wish you weren’t”. Don’t get into a relationship and then wish you hadn’t walked down that track.

We all care for you. You have been sharing your journey on and off for a long time now and it has been an encouragement to many on this site. It is obvious that God has a role for you to fulfil in this world. Don’t let a rash decision at this time disrupt your future.

God bless

Joined in 2009
March 19, 2011, 08:04

I just had my final talk with Nathan.

Nathan began to cut himself, and I grew so angry and miserable, shouting that he promised he never would again. He slit his wrists and overdosed and asked me if I wanted to see on Skype. I called him a monster, a monster for lying to me and putting me through this, for making me think this was my fault, for taking every reason I loved him and making it nothing. For considering my emotions none more than shit. For begging me not to run, then giving me every reason he could to run faster.

Suddenly he was so sorry, and as the cops came to retrieve him he begged me to visit him in the hospital.

To which I said no, Nathan, not after you just put me through hell. I loved you. Goodbye.

And the story ended there.

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
March 19, 2011, 09:48

Hi HydeLeach

You did the right thing. It’s not fair of Nathan to hold you to ransom like that and even if you stayed with him, you’re not going to be able to solve his problems. Nathan needs to learn some more effective coping strategies and to deal with his issues rather than projecting them onto you. Hopefully he will begin that journey via the hospital admission.

You’re right – it’s not your fault that he feels and acts like he does. He needs to take responsibility for his responses and choices. Good on you for recognising that and especially while in the thick of a love drama. It’s hard to be able to see things clearly when we’re caught up with our emotions and being pulled at by another’s.

Break ups are hard.. Hopefully you’re being kind to yourself and engaging in self nurturing activities.

I’m sending you soothing energy.


Ann Maree

Joined in 2011
March 19, 2011, 10:17


Joined in 2009
March 20, 2011, 08:08

He’s still in the hospital, and I’m beginning to feel like a terrible, terrible person for not visiting him.

Knowing I meant the world to him and yes, there was a time I was in love with him – I miss him.

It’s hard to stay wise.

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
March 20, 2011, 10:00

Hi HydeLeach

You’re helping both him and yourself by staying away even though it feels cruel. Separation is good, allowing other supports and perspectives to develop. If you go to him there’s every chance you’ll be puilled back into an unhealthy pattern where he relies solely on you. And that’s not good for either of you.

It’s natural to still have feelings and to miss him. And yes, it is often hard to remain wise when in touch with those emotional parts of our experiencing.. We can tend to lose sight of the other parts of reality, such as faults and problem areas, in those most vulnerable moments..


Ann Maree

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