I'm a 17 year old gay male, out to one person, miserable.

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Joined in 2009
October 29, 2009, 14:57

I don’t know where to begin, I suppose I could start merely by telling you the story of how my life has progressed, then finish things off by explaining my dreadful situation.

Please read it all.

From as far back as I can remember, I was curious towards guys. But this curiosity began when I was so young, I never really bothered whether to consider if it was normal or not. I never pondered the subject, I just enjoyed the presence of males and them expressing interest in me.

Things progressed in this manner throughout elementary school. I was raised in a christian household, and I was taught what was the norm and what was wrong. Things were presented to me in a black and white fashion. I believed it. Things would be easy, I would marry a woman, I would have a family. This is what I desired, it is what I would strive for. I felt this way up until grade 6.

Grade 7, my curiosity towards guys began to strengthen. It was not durastic, and I still had not labelled myself. As far as I was concerned, this was normal.

Grade 8 is where the sad story begins. The curiosity evolved into a sexual attraction. I put two and two together by now, I was gay. I did not care too much, however, for it had not yet grown strong. I believed I was some sort of bisexual, I merely felt a physical attraction towards men, but fell in love with women. I had not fallen in love with a woman, but this is what I believed.

The sexual attraction continued to grow as I made my way into highschool. It had reached the point where I had come to terms that no, I could not marry a woman. It would be impossible for me to make love to her to make either of us happy. I felt no sexual attraction towards women. But I was not yet hopeless, my mindset changed to “who needs a partner, anyways?” I would merely attempt to fill the hole in my heart in other ways.

Grade 11 semester one came around, and the attraction was even stronger. I was incredibly distressed that I would have to fight the temptation my whole life (as this is what I was taught people like me had to do), but I continued to tell myself I could do it, I would satisfy my self with other means, distract myself with life’s other things. I knew I was a homosexual, but I did not see myself like the others. I was alright with gay marriage being illegal in some places, I stood conservative, for I didn’t want to get married in the first place. Even occasionally, I would scream to God to make me hetereosexual.

Grade 11 semester two changed everything, for my heart introduced me to something it had never presented to me before. Love.

I was tormented. The sight of their face filled me with butterflies, the sound of their voice and the things they had to say made me want to get to know them more. I would imagine things like them asking me out, despite I knew they were straight. But it was an odd time in my life, for about 2 weeks I felt a physical sting in my heart (feeling such love and attraction for the first time) and a wrench in my gut (this was it, I was 100% homosexual, my life would not be nearly as easy as I had previously expected).

The semester ended, and I disconnected from them. I had beaten my heart down, screaming to it that the love it felt was wrong, a perversion, to the point it believed me and fell silent. I was sick and miserable, I hated my life, no one should ever have to hurt themselves for desiring love… Everything changed from here. I was now capable of having loving feelings for a male, and I encountered minor crushes from time to time. This filled me with distress.

No more could I expect to satisfy and fulfill my life alone, my heart desired a partner to love and recieve love from, it had become all I wanted.

I was desperate to tell someone, but I was so scared to face the reactions of other people. So I fled to the internet, and created a gay identity for myself. I would go onto christian sites and scream at them, begging to know why I was “wrong” and how they found it so easy to condemn people like me. I hated them.

About a month later, on the eve of September 4th, with trembles of terror and tears streaming down my face, I came out to my best friend, Jen. She embraced me and took it so well. She told me I was not perverted, I was normal, and that she loved me. We went for a walk the next day, and she pulled me out of my shell by asking me questions about my past, what kind of guys I liked, and my plans for the future.

She helped me become comfortable with myself, and in a short while I had fully embraced the fact that I was gay. I planned to get married in my future, to love a man. I was finally happy, I hadn’t been truly happy for so long. But I continued to feel as though the Christian chuch turned me away (as it does in its majority), and as I result I backed out of it. My parents were mortified and tried to make me holy again, but I continued to step away. Before long, after much research into christian beliefs towards homosexuality and even reading some very degratory websites, I hated them. I truly, truly hated them.

But I began to fear Hell. But I had thoughts such as “I hate a God who is okay with sending his children to Hell. If the God above shall condemn a man for merely seeking true love, then I would rather go to Hell then spend an eternity with such a wicked, wicked God.” I continue to have such thoughts.

But I do not want to turn away, deep down. I feel connected to God somehow, I feel like he has something he wants me to do. I am constantly remembering a time, back when I was much younger, a pastor came to my house with a message for my parents: that God had revealed to him that there was something special in me, and that God wanted me to be annointed. And so I was.

It is for this reason that my relationship with God is love/hate. I just want the truth.

That is my story. I shall now conclude with my coming out situation.

I want to tell my family, to get it off my chest. But I fear the burden will be replaced with a stab at my heart, rejection. My parents spit upon the feet of homosexuals, they gag at the idea. My sister, she is 2 years older than I but has remained so shielded from the world that I daresay she almost has the mind of a 11 year old. Everything is strictly black and white to her. She does not fully understand sex itself, she does not understand love. To her, heterosexual sex is digusting enough, homosexual sex (if she knows how it works) is even worse, satanic. I believe she is asexual, feeling no sexual attraction to either gender whatsoever. As a result of this, I feel I cannot tell her who I am, for she will not understand. She will believe that homosexuality was a choice on my behalf, she will grow angered and disgusted.

I would normally not care of her lack of the knowledge of love and sex, other than that it will durastically change how she accepts me when I come out. In short, she will not accept me, for she will not understand.

And my parents in turn will be mortified, they shall beg me to keep it a secret and not act upon it. But this is too much to ask of me, all I want it love, and I shall seek after it. They do not understand, everything is black and white to them. I have so much I want to tell them, so much knowledge on the topic of homosexuality I want to tell them to defend myself. But I know they will not listen. For even once they have stated to me that homosexuality has nothing to do with love, it is merely a perverted sexual attraction. But this is not true!

Please help me, before I lose the last of my hope.

You’re lost brother,


Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
October 29, 2009, 18:57

glad you found home Hyde… did you find us.

I will respond more later…….great that you are with us… will find support and understanding here.

Joined in 2009
October 29, 2009, 20:48


Given that you think you know what your parents reaction will be, do you have any more friends (beyond that one you’ve told already) who might take the news better? It might pay to have as many people on-side as possible in case things go awry down the track.

I know since I started coming out, I’ve been going in order of who I think will take it best, and working my way backwards. I’m not even up to my parents yet and it’s been almost a year since I started the process.

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
October 29, 2009, 21:12

good advice chris…..its good to build a good network around you first if feel you will get a bad reaction from the family. You can work out who is

1. Low risk

2. Medium risk

3. High risk

Start from the top and work down…….no rush either….

if you dont have any low risk in your life then get connected with the local GLBT support groups….not the gay scene…..the support groups. Do you have any in your area.

Joined in 2008
October 30, 2009, 01:02

Hyde, I am so glad you are here. In a way, I see you as a young man who has wandered through a desert for years and has finally after much searching found a small oasis he can rest at. Trust me, you have found a safe place here.

First off… we have so much in common. I too am a 17 year old gay Christian. AND I’m Canadian (well, half-Canadian), but my parents are missionaries so I actually live in the Philippines. But the point is that we are very much alike. I see a lot of myself in your story and I’m sure if you heard my story you’d see a lot of yourself in it too. The main difference I can see is that I am farther along the road than you are, but I believe that is only by the grace of God. I started searching for answers when I was in middle school, looking for anything that could give me some peace from the feelings of dread, feelings that I’m certain I don’t have to describe to you. I’m convinced that had that not happened to me, had God not lead me to the road of knowledge and out of the land of ignorance where I was before, I would have attempted suicide and I would’ve succeeded. And certainly that exact scenario has happened to many young gay Christians and it’s a tragedy since not of one had the slightest thing to be ashamed of, as God accepted them all completely as they were.

I hope that you and I will be able to communicate on these issues, since we have a lot in common and since (as everyone on here already knows) I tend to have a lot to say. 🙂 The very first thing I’d have to say is that in regards to your family… only you can decide what happens since you know your family better than I do, but I too was once convinced my family would never be able to accept me. I came out to my family when I was 15. I fully believed that they would not accept me, but I had to do it, because I just could not tolerate being in the closet any more. Two years later, my family still has not accepted to the level where I want them to accept me, but they have done many other things well. My best friend is a straight conservative Republican male, someone who I thought wouldn’t be able to handle the issue at all, but he has proven himself to be a good listener, a compassionate brother in Christ and above all a much-valued friend to me. What I am saying to you is that some people will surprise you with how well they respond. Of course some people will not and be totally negative, but once you have a support system of friends who love and accept you for who you are (kind of like Jesus, eh?) you will find the people who don’t accept you matter less and less and less.

As Eleanor Roosevelt said, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. It sounds strange, but one day you will reach the point where you are strong enough that even if people reject you, you can still stay emotionally secure. That is not an easy place to reach (and it’s one of the reasons my name is gettingthere, it’s one of the places I want to be), but it is a place God promises he will lead us to in his word. My life verse is Ps. 118:6 “The Lord is with me, I will not fear. What can man do to me?” Indeed, when we realize God is with us and not against us, we can make the conscious choice to not fear because we realize man can do nothing to bring us down as God’s power to build up surpasses that of man’s power to destroy.

And this post is really long. 😛 But you started it. lol. 🙂

Joined in 2009
October 30, 2009, 14:26

Hey guys, thanks for your replies.

I do not have a GLBT group in my area, sadly.

When you speak of not entering the gay scene, do you mean the non-christian scene? Because if I enter the world (which I will in a matter of a little over a year, being 17 an all) and there are no christian groups, would it be alright for me to find a non-christian group, and just keep my discretion?

Not that this is a current matter, for I am still in a cage and within this household. But nevertheless, what are your thoughts?

Joined in 2009
October 30, 2009, 14:29

And thanks for your reply, gettingthere, it makes me feel a little better to hear a positive story from someone my age.

man in confusion
Joined in 2009
October 30, 2009, 17:58

Hello and welcome.. needed to tell you two things 1st: stop being sad or feeling angry toward god cos god loves you but ask him how you can grow better in a healthy way addressing your issue ..and if you did not get an answer from god then ok cos i guess almost all of us are in middle of journey but ours is different from others in that we all believe in power of jesus love and we support each within christian frame..One day someone can hit evolving things and will share us all..benefit for all

secondly, try to find some1 whom you think will understand you to talk about your desires and struggle;provided that person is christian..

keep us need to be hugged brotherly.

Joined in 2009
October 31, 2009, 10:29

Hi Hyde, welcome to the forum 🙂 *Hugz*

I am not very good at giving advice, but I can give you a passage:

Galatians: 3:28-29

There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If ou belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise

I was lucky enough to have reconcile my faith and homosexuality quickly, but Im still going through the pain of that my family doesn’t accept me being gay, and that I still live a life of many faces, so that I can keep my sexuality hidden from those who I felt they should not know, it can be very tough, because you cannot be as honest as others. But I know no matter what people say, I know God does not discriminate, and that he will always love me and walk along with me no matter where I am, who I am and however bad the situation is, because he is always there :).

I will definitely pray for you brother :), I will pray that you will be accepted for who you are by your family and friends 🙂

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
October 31, 2009, 12:56

Hey guys, thanks for your replies.

I do not have a GLBT group in my area, sadly.

When you speak of not entering the gay scene, do you mean the non-christian scene? Because if I enter the world (which I will in a matter of a little over a year, being 17 an all) and there are no christian groups, would it be alright for me to find a non-christian group, and just keep my discretion?

Not that this is a current matter, for I am still in a cage and within this household. But nevertheless, what are your thoughts?

What I was meaning by the scene Hyde is the visible presence of the gay world eg Castro in San Francisco…..bars, nightclubs etc. many people think this is what it means to be gay……but this is actually a subculture.

there are often very good gay community support groups who are non-christian but of course maintain high values and respect yours.

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