Both Ali & I are from VERY conservative Christian backgrounds where homosexuality was forbidden.
I had never been in a serious relationship with a guy…and definitely not a girl, until I met Ali.
I fought with my feelings…denying them and truly believing I would be better of dead than to be in a relationship with Ali.
Ali had been in a couple of long term relationships with males had one prior “encounter” with a female.
Both Ali and I worked for Christian organisations where homosexuality was completely forbidden and something unthinkable to even consider.
I was open about our ‘relationship’ with my manager at work and as a result was convinced that a relationship with Ali was not what I wanted.
After months of struggling with our feelings and what we believed to be wright and wrong I decided to tell Ali that I never wanted to see or hear from her again.
This was practically impossible, firstly because we worked together, and secondly because the feelings we had for each other were so strong.
Ali and I were in contact again and just loved being with each other. But inside I was being ripped apart because my closest and dearest friends had me convinced that my relationship with Ali was unhealthy…even abusive. They accused Ali of “harassing” me, “manipulating” me, showing “predatory behaviours” towards me, and ultimately the cause of my life spiraling downhill…ultimately towards death.
What I failed to see was that keeping me away from Ali was what was causing my spiral downwards…into that dark place of self-mutilation, self-hatred, and suicidal ideations and attempts.
Ali and I were quite obviously experiencing strong feelings towards each other and were inseperable until one evening when I text messaged her to tell her never to try and make contact with me again.
If anything it was me that was controlling everything about our relationship and manipulating everything…but no one wanted to see that.
My manager at work saw how distressed I was becoming and came to the conclusion that I was being severely harassed by Ali (she was lead to this conclusion due to my confusion) and made contact with Ali’s manager regarding the harrassment allegations.
Ali was immediately fired without questioning and walked out on the spot.
As a result of Ali loosing her job she sank into a deep depression. All she had ever tried to do was respect me and do what was best for me. She always listed to me and did what I asked (no matter how unreasonable). And here she was left jobless and phone-less with nowhere to go. Sinking into a deep depression. she would lay in bed for days on end as there was no point in getting up…there was nothing to get up for. She began drinking heavily, and partying hard. She had no job…no money to pay the mortgage and as a result lost her home, being forced to move back with her mother.
Then after a few weeks I contacted Ali via text message. I was in hawaii at the time and we made plans for Ali to fly over here and we would run… far away from everything that was causing us so much pain back home. I wrote my resignation letter and Ali booked flight tickets. I called a friend/work collegue back home to let her know what my plans were. I was hysterical…I had been cutting and I was in so much pain from all the confusion I was experiencing. I knew it was wrong to be with Ali but life was too painful without her. She told me I was not in a place mentally to be making any decisions like that and that whe would do everything she could to get me back to Australia. I aggreed and sent Ali and message saying again…that I never want to hear from her or have any contact with her again.
Ali was completely confused and hurt. She didn’t respond until the next day when she just said that she “loves me enough to let me go”. She “wants me to be the happiest I can be and if that means walking away she will do that”.
My psychologist had forbidden any contact with Ali and said that if I did contact her the police would be involved and I would be sent straight to a psyciatric hospital. Looking back I can only put this logic back to the fact that I was so suicidal and they believed my relationship with Ali was the cause of this. When in fact it was being without her that was the cause!
Meanwhile Ali had taken legal action against her former employer as she had been illegally fired. This was never an attempt to hurt me…she had just been treated in a way no one deserves to be treated and she was accussed of hurrendous things when all she ever tried to do was support me.
In the midst of this legal action I was required to write statements stating to the effect that Ali had “harrassed” and “pursued me against my will”. While I didn’t write these words I did write some sort of a statement saying that I was confused. This was ammended to say that I had been “harrassed”. to be honest I was not in a place where anything was making sense. I trusted the people that were “trying” to help me and believed that what they were saying about Ali was true.
It was 5 months and we had not been in contact. I was living in constant pain and I didn’t know how to stop it. Self-harming had become part of my daily life and the constant pain I was in was becoming unbearable. Because I was not allowed to be in contact with Ali I thought the only solution was to kill myself. So I overdosed in an attempt to end the pain…but even failed at that and woke up in the high dependancy unit of the hospital…in a worse place than i had ever been before.
I was realeased from hospital and it was only a day or two before I realised that there was simply nothing I could do to ease the pain. so i made the decision to contact Ali. As I promised my psychologist I told my flatmate what my plans were. I was not going to be put back in hospital so I ran away…to a place where I knew no one could find me.
I called Ali…she got the shock of her life to hear from me…and knew in an instant that I was not ok. She begged me to tell her where I was but I was too scared to tell her. I hung up before I could say anything. Ali kept trying to call me back but I wouldn’t answer. The next day I called to meet up with her… we spent the weekend together and it was amazing!
But then in one last attempt to get me away from Ali two of my friends organised for me to move accross the other side of the country (Sydney to perth). I agreed and packed myself up and moved.
It was the BEST thing (apart from choosing Ali) that I have ever done. I was able to think for myself and figure out what it was that I really wanted. I didn’t know if it was right to be with Ali but I knew I had to give it a go or I would be a mess for the rest of my life and never be able to move on.
I called my mum and told her the decision I was facing. I was surprised by her response…she said that it wasn’t a big surprise to her and when I asked her if she would still love me she said “yes”. I honestly thought my family and friends would want nothing more to do with me.
the next day I called my mum again to tell her that I was going to move back to sydney and move in with Ali…she broke down and cried. She wrote messages and emails telling me that it was not what “God would want for my life” and that I deserved better…but she didn’t harrass me about it. She made it clear that she still loved me.
Meanwhile with all the legal processes Ali was going through her dad was her main source of support. He had told ali quite clearly that if she ever chose to be with me in the future that I “would never set foot in his house no matter what”.
So we moved in together…it was hard but wonderful at the same time. We were still going through the legal battle but at least now we were doing it together. It was a miracle but on the morning of one of our “mediations” ali and i went to her fathers house for breakfast…long story but now we are great friends!
My parents came to stay with us…except not while ali was there…she moved back into her mums for the week! But it was progress.
Ali’s mum however was devestated by the choice that Ali had made. She wanted absolutely nothing to do with me and would not let Ali mention my name and immediatly stereotyped Ali and assumed she was sleeping around, living a discraceful and explicit “homosexual” life. This was particularly hard as Ali and her mum had always been best friends.
Meanwhile ali’s brother assumed that being gay meant you were a peadofile and clearly told Ali that she would NEVER be left alone with his boys ever again. This was devestating to Ali as she was so close to her nephews.
My brother and I have still not spoken about it. I know he knows but he doesn’t want to know any more. He didn’t even tell his wife due to the shame of it all…his little sister being gay.
All of our family are conservative christians and belive our relationship is sinful and wrong. Ali and I know different though…we love each other and care for each other. We find ourselves every day wondering how we came to be so blessed by such an increadible partnership.
After only 9 months Ali and I bought a home together…an outward sign to friends and family that our relationship was not a phase (as many people hoped it was). We were committed and we were committed to spending the rest of our lives with each other.
The legal battle agains Ali’s former employer had a wonderful outcome…with Ali recieving a beautiful letter of appology and adequate compensation.
My parents have come a long way in the 2 years we have now been together. They come and stay with us and they accept us for who we are.
Sadly Ali’s mum has perhaps become more bitter and hurtfull over the past 2 years. Only recently saying that “sometimes she wishes she had never had a daughter”.
Ali and I are becoming stronger through and together we support each other.
Understanding the many difficult things we will have to face we have chosen to have a child together. A few selected friends know and are so supportive and excited for us. My parents don’t necessarly agree with our decision but are none-the-less supportive of me in the decision I have made.
Ali’s mother has already expressed her absolute discust with the possibility of Ali and I having children…and I think is in denial that it could ever happen. I’m not quite sure when we will tell Ali’s mum…or her dad, but it’s early days.
We are currently going through a fertility clinic and are on our first cycle trying to concieve. I was inseminated a week ago and find out in a week if we are pregnant…the longest two weeks of our lives!!!
It’s been a very long and tedious process with so much to consider…but we are sure this is what we want and we are excited at the though of bringing a little one into the world that we can share our love with.
for both Ali and I our faith has always been important. We are so fortunate that we have found a church that is supportive of our relationship and our relationshiop with God.
both ali and I are the happiest we have ever been in our whole lives. We are daily amazed at how blessed we are and excited about our future together. I know for me personally…I never imagined I would be loved by someone the way Ali loves me…and I never imagined it could be so wonderful to love someone the way I love her.
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