Hey guys, I had a rough night last night and had many doubts about myself. I typed them all up on my mum's ipad which she doesn't use much. Any suggestions?

Here is what I wrote.

Lord, these are the worries and doubts I have about myself:

When I pray I feel like I'm just talking to the air – I get no response and feel like I am being ignored. I have researched and tried all praying methods, but to no avail.

Sometimes I also feel like life has dealt me a really crap hand of cards

Why does my body remain stubborn in getting rid of unwanted fat? I eat better than most slim people ever will in their entire life. This is simply not fair. What more could I possibly do other than being on some 500 calorie diet or something stupid like that? Surely that's not the way to go. I am so frustrated God.

There's so much pressure from my relatives in getting a job too – I know I haven't got one, and I don't need reminding of my constant failure in my lack of getting one, every time I see them at family gatherings and have to say I still haven't found one. Heck, I don't even know what I am good at. Most jobs require you to drive everywhere too, how else am I supposed to solve all this?

Many times I feel like praying is pointless. I even read the psalms morning and night now, and still I get no reply. Not even a whisper. Am I not worthy? I don't understand. Talking or praying to God should be a two way communication system should it not? Maybe I am demanding too much, but I am at the end of myself again and I feel like, despite my efforts, I am still being ignored.

I thirst so much for a relationship with God, I'm like a man in a desert. All around me are pools of water, but they are all salty and tainted, and only make me thirst for the real thing. A pool of fresh water seems like a mirage now and I simply cannot find it anywhere. I have come to a point where life almost seems meaningless when I receive no answers from God – and that is a really scary place to be in. I don't know how to get out of it either. It is the same dark hole I felt stuck in only a few months ago when I felt hopeless, depressed, and suicidal.

God, you say you never put anyone through something they cannot handle. Well, I am doubting myself yet again, and it is becoming too frequent for you to ignore me now. I need answers.

It's uncanny I mention needing answers too, because my mother has had nausea, vomiting and neck pain for almost 4 years now, and despite her daily praying and bible reading, you do not heal her. Are you not a God who can work miracles? What did she do to deserve this? I'm sorry God but I am really mad at you sometimes. She has even admitted to me that she has wanted to take her own life many times through the lack of answers to her prayers, and she has been to hell and back. One year she was admitted to hospital 7 times. One of those ambulance call outs I remember seeing the light fade from her eyes when she collapsed on the floor a couple years ago. If there were to be a new bible written, that 'job' character would be a laughing stock compared to the amount of pain and suffering my mum has been through, and still, you choose to do nothing.

God, you say you answer every prayer, well, I now know this to be false. Unless you can prove me wrong.

Then there are times I feel like I'm really going to struggle in life. Not only have I never been slim, but I don't have a job, I am afraid of driving (hence still having a learner's license – and being fearful of driving is yet another reason why I'll never find a guy – because driving seems to be a major 'invisible' requirement in any relationship), I am still living with my very patient mum and dad, I feel like a complete loser, and to make matters worse, I still have to come out of the closet to the rest of my family and relatives – my grandparents of which are extremely homophobic and will never understand, I just know it. Also none of my relatives are gay, not even the many cousins I have in NZ and Australia. So it's just me all alone, fighting my own battle – as if I don't have enough on my plate, right? And even then, there is so much hate in society for gays that it all seems too much. I feel overwhelmed by it all.

One moment in particular when I felt like I would really struggle in life was when Dad took me to a Jeff Dunham show to see the 'Achmed the dead terrorist' ventriloquist act, because it seemed hilarious on YouTube. Little did I know he would make so many jokes about people at the show. Needless to say I was seriously offended by all the hurtful gay jokes he made, let alone jokes about Jesus, Jews, and women. Comedy can be funny without offending people/groups (It was so bad that it was worthy of walking-out-material). So anyway at the end of the show, we got to the car park and there was a pay machine. I tried understanding the message on the machine as to how to pay (It had so many options), but I swear it was like trying to solve the da vinci code. Either I am really thick, learn differently, or I have no life experience at all. Perhaps it is a mix of all of these.

All these things make me seriously question whether I can even handle this world sometimes. I feel like I won't be able to make it, and God isn't willing to help me either. How else am I supposed to feel and think? I don't know what to do anymore, and I cry myself to sleep many nights. I even doubt my own faith – though I suppose it isn't hard to when you don't get any answers.

Who knows, maybe this is just a test from God. If that's the case, I've epicly failed, but to be honest, when you have lost that passion for prayer and the essence of your faith when you get no answers from Him at the lowest of low points in your life, I suppose it is easy to let go, give up hope, and say to heck with it all.

I don't know where to go from here, all I know is that God is ignoring me, and I'm not happy to say the least. I have pretty much given up reading the psalms and the bible, as they haven't helped at all. For now, I am putting Christianity up on the bookshelf of neglect, until I get answers from Him.

Hey Ammi, thanks for your reply.

I don't have any friends. My best friend who comes from Zimbabwe hasn't kept in contact with me for over a year now and even when I do make the effort to text him, it takes him on average 3 months to reply, and the rest of my friends were a year younger than me so I never got the chance to ask for their contact details to keep in touch :-/ I have no idea where any of them are now.

I also had a really horrible experience with a guidance counselor at school. The lady told me it was my fault for not having friends at the time, that I didn't make the effort – basically feeling like a victim of an ex-gay program in a way, so I feel like seeing a shrink would make things even worse. I don't know.

Thanks Sarab <3

Yeah I honestly don't know where all this sadness is coming from. It seemed I had such passion a while ago, then out of the blue I just got really depressed through a lack of response in prayer. It's like these vicious cycles where I'm high on joy one day, then in a hole the next. I keep thinking things like 'maybe I just need more vitamin d to get me through this' and other things like that, but even that didn't help me and I don't know why. I might talk to my mum about seeing someone, though from my very reserved nature I don't think I will, despite all the advice on seeking a counselor :-/ I don't know, I'll think about it.

Thanks again all,

Jordan

Edit: I'm feeling a bit better now, I saw something on Firstlight TV this morning which helped me a little. Still not 100% filled with joy but I guess we all have our highs and lows. I even heard a snippet on Mother Teresa during a sermon by Tony Campolo on 'doubt' – although it could be from somewhere else. She basically went through the same exact feeling I am going through now. She said:

"I am told God lives in me — and yet the reality of darkness and coldness and emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul"

I am comforted to know I'm not the only one and even famous people have gone through the same thing. Still, it doesn't make things any easier!

I feel as though in order to get myself out of this dark hole I'm in, I should preoccupy my mind by writing a book I've been thinking about writing for while now, topics like:

– Being gay and christian

– The issues in the mainstream christianity & churches

– My testimony

– Tackling the clobber passages

– Debunking the stereotypes of LGBT people

Who knows. I think it might give me some peace of mind anyway. Maybe it's good to have a break from trying to understand why I'm not getting answers to any prayers too. I made a couple concepts of what the book could look like in Photoshop, so perhaps that is what I'm supposed to work on to get out of this mess? That, and music 😛

Edit 2:

Did some photoshopping:

http://i46.tinypic.com/33y6lpz.jpg

Just a concept anywho

Hey Ann, thanks for your post

I think I might learn to drive one day, but even then I would most likely place some restrictions on myself, like definitely having a GPS (because I cannot multi-task whatsoever ha ha) and would probably only drive very late at night or very early in the morning. Learning how to drive in NZ is lethal too I tell you, it could very well be compared to driving a tuk tuk in India. It's absolutely insane, and even the best drivers get hit multiple times. In fact my mum's been through about 8+ crashes over the span of 2-5 years (probably what caused her neck injuries), and I can't even count how many from my dad now (although he does drive like a bat out of hell most of the time).

I take comfort knowing people like Delta Goodrem and even J. K. Rowling has a fear of driving. I just have this strong feeling that I would either die in a car crash under my own control, or get someone killed by accident, and the responsibility of that weighs too heavily on me.

In regards to counseling, I've pretty much hidden my true self for 22 years and at age 23 now I'm only just starting to come out of my shell. I still don't trust many people, let alone telling a shrink my whole life story and trusting they won't blab to someone else about me. You could say I have trust issues and I don't open up very easily to people I don't know. I'm certainly not ruling counseling out, and it may be great for others, it's just I don't know if it's for me right now. I'll talk to my mum about it tomorrow though as it's 9:25pm here.

Oh um, by the way, I'm going to Taupo with my mum and dad tomorrow too, so if I don't reply back to anyone for 4 days or so, that's why. Mt. Tongariro erupted a few days ago though and Mt. Ruapehu there may erupt, so we're taking dust masks and supplies incase it decides to spew ash everywhere :-/ hopefully I will have some time to gather my notes and jot down some plans for the book 😛

Thanks for the comment 🙂

Hey James, thanks for the encouragement 🙂

Whilst staying at a place in Taupo with my parents, I did some more sermon listening on my mum's iPad. Sermons from Rob Buckingham and Tony Campolo. They helped a bit, and I have gained some confidence back. I'm still not quite certain that my prayers are doing anything, but I have decided to stay committed to it. In one of Tony Campolo's sermons on Mother Teresa, he said when she was going through years of doubt in her faith, she still kept going despite it all, so it's what I will do as well.

We also revisited our previous home and found out the street had been extended – I was quite shocked. Last time I saw it was when I was about 8 years old. The end of the street used to be just a bunch of flat farm land with magpies, sheep, and a weak fence separating it all. Now there's tons more houses and a few more streets coming off of it. The street seemed smaller than I imagined, though I was a lot younger so I guess everything was bigger to me back then. The actual town looked amazing, and had many new buildings, structures and decorations which gave it even more personality than I remember it already having. It felt quite nostalgic, though a couple days after the whole cycling challenge event there with over 8,200 cyclists was over, it was back to being a complete ghost town. I wouldn't mind moving there when I've settled down in life, I love it there.

I took some photos. Some include various rubbish bins with a bit of Taupo's personality:

Tree Bin:

http://i48.tinypic.com/73jo8n.jpg

Trout Bin:

http://i46.tinypic.com/vgh9qe.jpg

Mountain Erupting Bin (A bit ironic being as Mt. Tongariro erupted a few days prior to this photo – how appropriate!):

http://i45.tinypic.com/205tx02.jpg

Awesome trout themed drain grill:

http://i49.tinypic.com/j60dvd.jpg

Coffee Bin:

http://i50.tinypic.com/1vmv5.jpg

But yeah I feel a bit better now after that trip. I think instead of a counselor, I'm thinking I'd rather go to a gay affirming church as suggested, or a gay youth group of some sort. Also, mum and I found out about this 'sea buckthorn' juice/oil from the Dr. Oz show, and I'm noticing a difference in my weight already. I'm going to continue with it and get back into a bit of rowing.

I don't think I will ever understand why most of my prayers go unanswered, but I will continue doing the best I can trying to make sense of it all, and hopefully in the next life I'll find out why.

Thanks for all the support you guys <3