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J
 
Joined in 2012
November 21, 2012, 10:31

Hey guys, I had a rough night last night and had many doubts about myself. I typed them all up on my mum's ipad which she doesn't use much. Any suggestions?


Here is what I wrote.


Lord, these are the worries and doubts I have about myself:


When I pray I feel like I'm just talking to the air – I get no response and feel like I am being ignored. I have researched and tried all praying methods, but to no avail.


Sometimes I also feel like life has dealt me a really crap hand of cards


Why does my body remain stubborn in getting rid of unwanted fat? I eat better than most slim people ever will in their entire life. This is simply not fair. What more could I possibly do other than being on some 500 calorie diet or something stupid like that? Surely that's not the way to go. I am so frustrated God.


There's so much pressure from my relatives in getting a job too – I know I haven't got one, and I don't need reminding of my constant failure in my lack of getting one, every time I see them at family gatherings and have to say I still haven't found one. Heck, I don't even know what I am good at. Most jobs require you to drive everywhere too, how else am I supposed to solve all this?


Many times I feel like praying is pointless. I even read the psalms morning and night now, and still I get no reply. Not even a whisper. Am I not worthy? I don't understand. Talking or praying to God should be a two way communication system should it not? Maybe I am demanding too much, but I am at the end of myself again and I feel like, despite my efforts, I am still being ignored.


I thirst so much for a relationship with God, I'm like a man in a desert. All around me are pools of water, but they are all salty and tainted, and only make me thirst for the real thing. A pool of fresh water seems like a mirage now and I simply cannot find it anywhere. I have come to a point where life almost seems meaningless when I receive no answers from God – and that is a really scary place to be in. I don't know how to get out of it either. It is the same dark hole I felt stuck in only a few months ago when I felt hopeless, depressed, and suicidal.


God, you say you never put anyone through something they cannot handle. Well, I am doubting myself yet again, and it is becoming too frequent for you to ignore me now. I need answers.


It's uncanny I mention needing answers too, because my mother has had nausea, vomiting and neck pain for almost 4 years now, and despite her daily praying and bible reading, you do not heal her. Are you not a God who can work miracles? What did she do to deserve this? I'm sorry God but I am really mad at you sometimes. She has even admitted to me that she has wanted to take her own life many times through the lack of answers to her prayers, and she has been to hell and back. One year she was admitted to hospital 7 times. One of those ambulance call outs I remember seeing the light fade from her eyes when she collapsed on the floor a couple years ago. If there were to be a new bible written, that 'job' character would be a laughing stock compared to the amount of pain and suffering my mum has been through, and still, you choose to do nothing.


God, you say you answer every prayer, well, I now know this to be false. Unless you can prove me wrong.


Then there are times I feel like I'm really going to struggle in life. Not only have I never been slim, but I don't have a job, I am afraid of driving (hence still having a learner's license – and being fearful of driving is yet another reason why I'll never find a guy – because driving seems to be a major 'invisible' requirement in any relationship), I am still living with my very patient mum and dad, I feel like a complete loser, and to make matters worse, I still have to come out of the closet to the rest of my family and relatives – my grandparents of which are extremely homophobic and will never understand, I just know it. Also none of my relatives are gay, not even the many cousins I have in NZ and Australia. So it's just me all alone, fighting my own battle – as if I don't have enough on my plate, right? And even then, there is so much hate in society for gays that it all seems too much. I feel overwhelmed by it all.


One moment in particular when I felt like I would really struggle in life was when Dad took me to a Jeff Dunham show to see the 'Achmed the dead terrorist' ventriloquist act, because it seemed hilarious on YouTube. Little did I know he would make so many jokes about people at the show. Needless to say I was seriously offended by all the hurtful gay jokes he made, let alone jokes about Jesus, Jews, and women. Comedy can be funny without offending people/groups (It was so bad that it was worthy of walking-out-material). So anyway at the end of the show, we got to the car park and there was a pay machine. I tried understanding the message on the machine as to how to pay (It had so many options), but I swear it was like trying to solve the da vinci code. Either I am really thick, learn differently, or I have no life experience at all. Perhaps it is a mix of all of these.


All these things make me seriously question whether I can even handle this world sometimes. I feel like I won't be able to make it, and God isn't willing to help me either. How else am I supposed to feel and think? I don't know what to do anymore, and I cry myself to sleep many nights. I even doubt my own faith – though I suppose it isn't hard to when you don't get any answers.


Who knows, maybe this is just a test from God. If that's the case, I've epicly failed, but to be honest, when you have lost that passion for prayer and the essence of your faith when you get no answers from Him at the lowest of low points in your life, I suppose it is easy to let go, give up hope, and say to heck with it all.


I don't know where to go from here, all I know is that God is ignoring me, and I'm not happy to say the least. I have pretty much given up reading the psalms and the bible, as they haven't helped at all. For now, I am putting Christianity up on the bookshelf of neglect, until I get answers from Him.



ammi
 
Joined in 2011
November 21, 2012, 17:44

Hi Jordan… I feel for you in the pain and questions and doubts you are experiencing at the moment and have done for some time from what I can tell. I would encourage you to talk to a doctor about your feelings of hopelessness and helpnessness – there may be something that can help you…


In my experience – when I'm down – I feel very far from God and like he/she doesn't answer and isn't close by. I have to remember that prayer isn't magic or a slot machine – it really is a mystry to me how it works – your questions are valid and worth persisting with… it is okay to leave the bible and what you have known of your faith on the shelf for a while – it may be the pathway to more understanding for you, eventually.


Have you got a trusted friend, counsellor or helper with whom you can talk, who you can also come out to, as that is an important part of your story?


Take courage… and hold on… people tell me… 'this too will pass' – and I know I need help in the mean time so it is good to look for it.


ammi



J
 
Joined in 2012
November 21, 2012, 18:31

Hey Ammi, thanks for your reply.


I don't have any friends. My best friend who comes from Zimbabwe hasn't kept in contact with me for over a year now and even when I do make the effort to text him, it takes him on average 3 months to reply, and the rest of my friends were a year younger than me so I never got the chance to ask for their contact details to keep in touch :-/ I have no idea where any of them are now.


I also had a really horrible experience with a guidance counselor at school. The lady told me it was my fault for not having friends at the time, that I didn't make the effort – basically feeling like a victim of an ex-gay program in a way, so I feel like seeing a shrink would make things even worse. I don't know.



sarab
 
Joined in 2011
November 21, 2012, 21:49

Hi Jordan,

Please know that many of us at f2b are standing with you – in prayer – thought and connection.

Jordan you have brought so many wonderful questions to the forum, so many topics and shared of yourself and your journey. It makes me sad to see you so sad at this time.

Questions about unanswered prayer and feeling like you’re in the desert are tough. Pat responses and clichés won’t help you at this time – so I won’t offer any – only I might offer that perhaps quietly saying to yourself “This is just for now” or “This is just for a season” may help a little… it helps me.

It’s a shame that your bad experience with a school counsellor has staved you off counselling or the help of a psychologist for the time being. I would encourage you to re think this. We may have bad experiences with plumbers or electricians – but we don’t write off the whole plumbing profession…Granted – ill chosen words or the wrong approach from a counsellor can be far more significant than a mess left by a plumber, however, I hope you take my point. It may be that you just need to find the right counsellor for you.

If you were talking about feeling in a mess with… say.. your IT systems, software, hardware etc – I’d suggest you seek the help of an IT expert…. So too, if you’re feeling in a mess or lost in an emotional sense… could be time to call in an expert.

I have had enormous help through counselling (I went through Relationships Australia but your GP could point you in the right direction). If it wasn’t for counselling – I may well still be lying on the floor at home feeling completely “unweighted” as I was just over a year ago.

It can be quite scary to think about going to see someone about this stuff – I get that. However, it may provide you with just another way of thinking, or give you the space to talk things out or to explore some ideas in a safe secure context. It may take a couple of gos to find the right person – someone who you like and feel is helpful – but may be really worth pursuing. You may even want to begin with someone by telling them about your experience with your school counsellor and the impact this has had on you. Anyway, that’s my two cents worth. 

I and others here will pray with and for you. May you sleep well tonight.

Take care,


Sarab



J
 
Joined in 2012
November 22, 2012, 05:08

Thanks Sarab <3


Yeah I honestly don't know where all this sadness is coming from. It seemed I had such passion a while ago, then out of the blue I just got really depressed through a lack of response in prayer. It's like these vicious cycles where I'm high on joy one day, then in a hole the next. I keep thinking things like 'maybe I just need more vitamin d to get me through this' and other things like that, but even that didn't help me and I don't know why. I might talk to my mum about seeing someone, though from my very reserved nature I don't think I will, despite all the advice on seeking a counselor :-/ I don't know, I'll think about it.


Thanks again all,

Jordan


Edit: I'm feeling a bit better now, I saw something on Firstlight TV this morning which helped me a little. Still not 100% filled with joy but I guess we all have our highs and lows. I even heard a snippet on Mother Teresa during a sermon by Tony Campolo on 'doubt' – although it could be from somewhere else. She basically went through the same exact feeling I am going through now. She said:


"I am told God lives in me — and yet the reality of darkness and coldness and emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul"


I am comforted to know I'm not the only one and even famous people have gone through the same thing. Still, it doesn't make things any easier!


I feel as though in order to get myself out of this dark hole I'm in, I should preoccupy my mind by writing a book I've been thinking about writing for while now, topics like:


– Being gay and christian

– The issues in the mainstream christianity & churches

– My testimony

– Tackling the clobber passages

– Debunking the stereotypes of LGBT people


Who knows. I think it might give me some peace of mind anyway. Maybe it's good to have a break from trying to understand why I'm not getting answers to any prayers too. I made a couple concepts of what the book could look like in Photoshop, so perhaps that is what I'm supposed to work on to get out of this mess? That, and music 😛


Edit 2:


Did some photoshopping:


http://i46.tinypic.com/33y6lpz.jpg


Just a concept anywho



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
November 22, 2012, 16:28

Hi Jordan

In regards to your sense that God isn't answering your prayers, it is my belief that people are sent to us to answer those prayers. So maybe try being open to the feedback you have been given recently or things that have happened in your life..ammi and Sarab are both angels who have given you beautiful responses so couldn't their words be from God?

Thanks for the example of Mother Theresa. It is true that we all have felt shunned and ignored by God, including Jesus himself. Sometimes things don't go the way we want them to and we endure pain for no good reason but that is just life.

I echo the suggestions of both ammi and Sarab regarding your seeking counselling.

You said:


All these things make me seriously question whether I can even handle this world sometimes. I feel like I won't be able to make it, and God isn't willing to help me either. How else am I supposed to feel and think? I don't know what to do anymore, and I cry myself to sleep many nights. I even doubt my own faith – though I suppose it isn't hard to when you don't get any answers.


It's important to have enough supports around you to counteract the negativity of what life can throw at us. I was reminded of this recently after being unsupported by a family member. I expressed my anger and hurt, saw what I had to learn from the interaction and then took comfort in those who do actually see and understand me. And I noticed that the pain of the hurt didn't hurt so much because I had the extra supports around me.

Re your fear of driving, I too used to be so afraid of driving but I'm glad I pushed through my fears because with experience, driving has become something I really enjoy. And if I could reach that point, I believe you can too.

Your writing idea sounds like an excellent way to offer yourself more support. I certainly find writing cathartic and therapeutic. Writing is a good strategy because you can do this on your own and at any time. 🙂

As well as that though, you also need external supports.. So what's one small change you can make to bring more external supports into your life today?

Blessings,

Ann Maree



J
 
Joined in 2012
November 22, 2012, 19:25

Hey Ann, thanks for your post


I think I might learn to drive one day, but even then I would most likely place some restrictions on myself, like definitely having a GPS (because I cannot multi-task whatsoever ha ha) and would probably only drive very late at night or very early in the morning. Learning how to drive in NZ is lethal too I tell you, it could very well be compared to driving a tuk tuk in India. It's absolutely insane, and even the best drivers get hit multiple times. In fact my mum's been through about 8+ crashes over the span of 2-5 years (probably what caused her neck injuries), and I can't even count how many from my dad now (although he does drive like a bat out of hell most of the time).


I take comfort knowing people like Delta Goodrem and even J. K. Rowling has a fear of driving. I just have this strong feeling that I would either die in a car crash under my own control, or get someone killed by accident, and the responsibility of that weighs too heavily on me.


In regards to counseling, I've pretty much hidden my true self for 22 years and at age 23 now I'm only just starting to come out of my shell. I still don't trust many people, let alone telling a shrink my whole life story and trusting they won't blab to someone else about me. You could say I have trust issues and I don't open up very easily to people I don't know. I'm certainly not ruling counseling out, and it may be great for others, it's just I don't know if it's for me right now. I'll talk to my mum about it tomorrow though as it's 9:25pm here.


Oh um, by the way, I'm going to Taupo with my mum and dad tomorrow too, so if I don't reply back to anyone for 4 days or so, that's why. Mt. Tongariro erupted a few days ago though and Mt. Ruapehu there may erupt, so we're taking dust masks and supplies incase it decides to spew ash everywhere :-/ hopefully I will have some time to gather my notes and jot down some plans for the book 😛


Thanks for the comment 🙂



jamesn
 
Joined in 2009
November 24, 2012, 10:33

Jordan


Be kind to yourself – sometimes prayer is about changing us as much as it as receiving from God.



J
 
Joined in 2012
November 26, 2012, 11:57

Hey James, thanks for the encouragement 🙂


Whilst staying at a place in Taupo with my parents, I did some more sermon listening on my mum's iPad. Sermons from Rob Buckingham and Tony Campolo. They helped a bit, and I have gained some confidence back. I'm still not quite certain that my prayers are doing anything, but I have decided to stay committed to it. In one of Tony Campolo's sermons on Mother Teresa, he said when she was going through years of doubt in her faith, she still kept going despite it all, so it's what I will do as well.


We also revisited our previous home and found out the street had been extended – I was quite shocked. Last time I saw it was when I was about 8 years old. The end of the street used to be just a bunch of flat farm land with magpies, sheep, and a weak fence separating it all. Now there's tons more houses and a few more streets coming off of it. The street seemed smaller than I imagined, though I was a lot younger so I guess everything was bigger to me back then. The actual town looked amazing, and had many new buildings, structures and decorations which gave it even more personality than I remember it already having. It felt quite nostalgic, though a couple days after the whole cycling challenge event there with over 8,200 cyclists was over, it was back to being a complete ghost town. I wouldn't mind moving there when I've settled down in life, I love it there.


I took some photos. Some include various rubbish bins with a bit of Taupo's personality:


Tree Bin:


http://i48.tinypic.com/73jo8n.jpg


Trout Bin:


http://i46.tinypic.com/vgh9qe.jpg


Mountain Erupting Bin (A bit ironic being as Mt. Tongariro erupted a few days prior to this photo – how appropriate!):


http://i45.tinypic.com/205tx02.jpg


Awesome trout themed drain grill:


http://i49.tinypic.com/j60dvd.jpg


Coffee Bin:


http://i50.tinypic.com/1vmv5.jpg


But yeah I feel a bit better now after that trip. I think instead of a counselor, I'm thinking I'd rather go to a gay affirming church as suggested, or a gay youth group of some sort. Also, mum and I found out about this 'sea buckthorn' juice/oil from the Dr. Oz show, and I'm noticing a difference in my weight already. I'm going to continue with it and get back into a bit of rowing.


I don't think I will ever understand why most of my prayers go unanswered, but I will continue doing the best I can trying to make sense of it all, and hopefully in the next life I'll find out why.


Thanks for all the support you guys <3



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
November 26, 2012, 23:46

Sounds like some prayers are being answered afterall, Jordan. I'm referring to your taking heed of finding a gay friendly church or group as well as hearing about sea buckthorn. I know that is a rich source of fatty acids which will no doubt help your brain and body re-balance. Let me know how it goes. I've also heard of studies where there are fat cells in the brain that govern weight gain and some people have more of these than others.. I don't know much about it but one of my colleagues mentioned something on the topic. Have you heard about it?

Keep taking steps toward supports. As you do this, you are taking an active part in allowing things to come to fruition and your prayers to be answered. Without this positive change on your part, things won't move forward for you. But you need to be the one to take the first step and then the next one..

De-cluttering your external space may also help shift some weight from your body, mind and soul. 🙂 I've found it works for me as the external and internal worlds mirror each other.

Blessings,

Ann Maree


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