Hi Simon

Thanks for the update. 🙂

And congrats on telling your Grandma and for the way in which you conducted yourself.

I read through your story again and was struck by the power of heterosexual conditioning that I think most of us can relate with. So when we are surrounded by those who are heterosexual telling us that being gay is wrong, especially when young and prone to believing adults, I think it's a miracle when we finally come to the truth that being gay is not wrong. I also see your anger as healthy and appropriate. It lets you know that you and others in the LGBTI community have been wronged. And this awareness is the beginning to potentially righting an injustice.

i think that describes what im going through perfectly, some days im really happy being gay and it only takes the smallest trigger and im jumping back into the closet again, it could be anything, a old friend, a article i read, a bible verse, even my own negative thoughts will send me running into the closest some days. The good news though, its getting easier to stay out and be comfortable and open about my sexuality.

This is completely normal to be hesitant about what you've divulged. We all feel exposed at times about all kinds of things and it's human to want to retreat from something as big as coming out. There is hope though and as you are finding, it does get easier as time goes on as you become more and more comfortable and accepting of yourself. As you gain more supports, this process will also be considerably enhanced.

You mentioned since coming out that there's a BIG gap in your life. That's understandable given the church was a support and now is not. Would you consider going to a gay-friendly church? This is an opportunity to find healthy and nurturing things to fill that gap. I think your idea of coming to a f2b meeting is a good one. Perhaps you could message those in the Sydney group beforehand like Ben and forestgrey if you haven't already. They can give you more details and help you feel comfortable about attending.

Are you studying or working?

We are here for you, Simon.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

Hi Simon,

Thanks for the update. It was great you got to talk to your grandma, and she heard your story from you. Sounds like she responded pretty well. It's good she believed you when you said you were born Gay. I think a lot of people do believe being Gay is a choice, we are all pretty well told this by churches and society. You said your grandma said if you got married she wouldn't come to your wedding. Give her sometime, she is still adjusting and accepting the news. She has believed something all her life and now you have come along and challenged the views and beliefs she has had all her life. Everyone reacts differently, people may feel regret for things they said at the time of being told as later when they have had time to adjust, accept and understand the thoughts and feelings they first had no longer apply. Trouble is once they are expressed to other's they can cause hurt. Maybe don't take people's first reactions as set in stone, give them sometime. The important thing to remember is your grandma loves you, she doesn't understand at the moment and when you think about it how can she.

Quote from Simon on January 27, 2012, 4:31 amThese last few weeks have been difficult. Its almost 4:30am and i cant sleep, ive been feeling a bit depressed recently, some days are better than others. Being in the closest felt safe, the closest was my safety net, now that its all real and out there i feel all exposed. Im starting to think of things i have never thought of before, like having a boyfriend, this time last year i never thought about being in a relationship, but now its almost all i think about.

Also now that im out of the closest i feel more alone now more than ever, i dont have any gay friends, never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never been loved, and when i was in the closest i didn't have to worry about those things, i had my Christian friends and thats where it ended. Now that im out of the closet there is this BIG gap missing in my life… and im filling this gap in a very bad way, but i cant talk about it because.. well i can't… its complicated.

If you have read the stories on this forum, I think you will find that you are not alone in what you are feeling. Opening up and revealing something about yourself to other's that they did not know does make you feel vulnerable, you don't know how they will react, in a way you are putting yourself at their mercy. They have the potential to hurt you. So you want to protect yourself and go back to the place you felt safe. You will also find from reading the other people's stories that after a while, things turn and they became very happy that they now live a life as themselves. You will have Gay friends, you will meet other Christian's who are Gay. I know this because my son felt the same for a while, he didn't know anybody who was in the same situation as him until he came across F2B. Now he has lots of Gay friend's, pop's down to Sydney to catch up with the Sydney F2B's and is one of the leaders of the Brisbane chapter. So things do change, their is hope, keep hanging in there.

As you have mentioned getting to a F2B meeting is an excellent idea, then you can meet people face to face and they won't just be names on a forum. As Ann Maree said we are here for you.

God Bless

Quote from Simon on January 27, 2012, 4:31 am

Greetings once again everyone, i thought i would come say hello and update on what's happening in my life.

I finally had the chance to talk to my grandma last Saturday, she invited me over for dinner so we could talk face to face. It went fairly well for the most part, she said she will always love me no matter what because i am her grandson, she doesn't understand it however and asked me if something in my childhood could of made me gay, i told her no that i was born gay, she found this hard to understand but she came to the conclusion that God works in mysterious ways and believed me when i said i was born this way. I tolled her about my struggles and how i tried really hard to change my sexuality growing up, i think by telling her that it helped put things in perspective for her. My grandma also said that if i ever got married some day she would not come to the wedding, it hurt me when she said this but i didn't want to make things worse so i told her that it was ok.

I also deleted the "are you gay" question my old school friend posted on my facebook soon after posting my last update. I sent him a private message telling him that i thought it was inapropriate to ask such a direct question when he hasnt even talked to me in many years, he apologised and agreed with me. However i decided to send him another private message confirming that i was gay, saying i still beleive in God and i hope this dosnt make him think diffrently of me, i decided it was better i tolled him now then letting it be build into a rumour.

one phenomena I have observed working with people from Christian backgrounds is what I have coined 'closet hokey pokey'. it is not uncommon for us to come out to some degree. go back into the closet……then out again.

i think that describes what im going through perfectly, some days im really happy being gay and it only takes the smallest trigger and im jumping back into the closet again, it could be anything, a old friend, a article i read, a bible verse, even my own negative thoughts will send me running into the closest some days. The good news though, its getting easier to stay out and be comfortable and open about my sexuality.

These last few weeks have been difficult. Its almost 4:30am and i cant sleep, ive been feeling a bit depressed recently, some days are better than others. Being in the closest felt safe, the closest was my safety net, now that its all real and out there i feel all exposed. Im starting to think of things i have never thought of before, like having a boyfriend, this time last year i never thought about being in a relationship, but now its almost all i think about.

Also now that im out of the closest i feel more alone now more than ever, i dont have any gay friends, never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never been loved, and when i was in the closest i didn't have to worry about those things, i had my Christian friends and thats where it ended. Now that im out of the closet there is this BIG gap missing in my life… and im filling this gap in a very bad way, but i cant talk about it because.. well i can't… its complicated.

I would really like to come down to Sydney for one of the meetings, i was thinking perhaps after mardi gras once everything has settled down, im not sure on times though, i was thinking i would just stay the night in a hotel and catch a train home in the morning.

I'm finally starting to feel tired so i will end it hear and get some sleep, thanks for reading 🙂

Yep Simon you are right…..sound like closet hokey pokey to me.

You are so normal……which I know will not be a huge consolation….but I think it does help to remind ourselves that we are not alone,…..we are not the first people to have gone through this…..and won't be the last. I am sure you will relate to much of this http://lgbttraining.blogspot.com/p/community-training.html. it is a training seminar i do for service providers.

Just remember that before freedom2b we had no one to connect with and no role models to show us there was another way….a better way. One of the crucial things for you to find healing and resolution is connection…..that should be one of your priorities now.

Anthony Venn-Brown

LGBT Consultant and professional coach, working with gay, lesbian, bisexual clients and those questioning their sexual identity

Strategic Coming Out – Married & Gay – Faith Sexuality Conflict – Living Authentically – Life After the Closet

Author of 'A Life of Unlearning – A Journey to Find the Truth'

Co-founder of Freedom 2 b[e]