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Male / 40's / Professional / Married with Kids / Thinking of Coming Out / Really Scared

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JeffreyJohn
 
Joined in 2015
January 19, 2015, 09:10

Hi Everyone,


I am very new to this and very scared, but I thought it might be a good place to seek support. My story, in a nutshell l:


• Grew up in a military home and was a huge disappointment to dad (reconciled now)

• Sexually abused multiple times by multiple perpetrators growing up (not dad) and I thought that was why I had unwanted feelings of attraction to boys

• Met a Christian girl when I was 15 and became a Christian because I liked her

• Found out that being gay was a sin and God would heal me so we married (she didn’t know about my struggle but I was SURE that God would heal me)

• We had 5 kids and I spent the next 23 years fighting the demons (reparative therapy, booze, pills, working longs hours, studying, building a career, etc)

• Two years ago finally sought help about the sexual abuse and the topic of sexuality came up and here I am; a mess.


Where to from here? My wife now knows, but no-one else. I have tried to back track and suggest I’m actually Bi with more of a homosexual bent because I got scared, but I’m not, I’m gay and it’s as simple as that. I’ve started talking to a counsellor about this and he suggested this site. I’ve read lots of posts and I’m basically very, very scared.


My wife wants to make a go of it if we can, but she also wonders what it would be like to be loved truly by a man and she wonders if I also deserve to know real love and real intimacy. Neither of us have known that. I secretly ache for it and wonder what it would be like. I’ve never been intimate with a man or even fooled around as a teenager.


As well as scared I’m angry. Angry that I am this way. I don’t want to be gay because to do something about it is going to cause terrible hurt to my family. I’m angry that I got married. I’m angry that I had kids. I wish I’d had the sense to stay single and work through this stuff first. I’m angry at the Christians who told me I was evil and would go to hell and angry that they promised to heal me and didn’t. I trusted them.


But I’m also depressed. We have no intimacy in our marriage and my wife says now she knows she doesn’t want to even try to be intimate with me. We are basically flat mates with kids. The one redeeming thing is that we are best friends and I'm pretty sure if we separate it will be very loving and amicable.


I’m so scared of telling the kids. My two older sons are very straight. My next son is very academic and then we have a daughter too. They all support gay equality and marriage and my older sons have gay friends. But I worry about telling them and hurting them and I feel so embarrassed, so terribly embarrassed.


Then there are my parents. Christian’s now and I have no idea how they will react. My younger brother will hate me I’m sure. I think my sister’s will be okay but I just don’t know. And don’t get me started on my wife’s family. Very bogan. All blue collar workers and sport loving, cigarette smoking, beer swigging typical Aussie blokes who I’m sure will be very angry.


I think this journey is going to get worse before it gets better and I am terribly afraid.


Thanks,


JJ

Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
January 19, 2015, 22:24

Hi JeffreyJohn

Thanks so much for sharing some of your story. You write very well and many will be able to relate to your experiences. 🙂 Welcome to f2b! 🙂

The emotions of fear, anger, depression that you describe are so common and to be expected with what you are going through. You wrote of regretting not dealing with your sexuality sooner and yet for some reason you are facing it now. I think it is good that you are facing it rather than never.

On a positive note, at least your wife is supportive and it sounds like your kids will be as well from the way you describe them.

Coming out is a scary journey and it can be one of the most difficult things and yet for many it brings freedom, truth and unexpected acceptance. It's true things may get worse before they get better but from reading the many, many stories here, there is overwhelming evidence that things very often do get better. In other words, it will not always feel like this.

If you haven't already done so, have a read of some of the other stories in the Telling our Stories section. I suspect you will be able to relate to some of them.

I am glad you have found freedom2b and hope you will find this a supportive place to be.

If you like reading, you might check out 'A Life of Unlearning' by Anthony Venn-Brown. That book, and the work that Anthony has done in our community, has helped a lot of people.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

IanJ
 
Joined in 2009
January 19, 2015, 22:57

Hi JJ

Welcome – just a short note because I am on an iPhone and my last message disappeared when I hit the wrong key!

It sounds like you're taking steps in the right direction. Seems like we have lots of experiences in common. You can find my story on here if you haven't found it already.

It DOES get better. Since the separation and divorce I have experienced emotions that I have never experienced before. I have restored my relationship with my children. I am part of wonderful Christian community.


Welcome again. I think you will find answers for many of your questions here. Keep talking to us!


Best wishes

Ian

Michelle
President
Joined in 2008
January 20, 2015, 00:22

Hi JJ

Welcome to freedom2b and thankyou for sharing your journey with us. Your journey with fears, uncertainty and worry not only for what will happen with your life but also the lives of those you love is a very normal reaction. Many of us in our community have come out from marriages and often have children too. I was terribly worried about my parents, siblings and children. I assumed certain reactions both good and bad and they were all a bit mixed to be honest. In my experience even if they react negatively that will just be a first response, given time people do change their stance, even fundamental Christians. You will know when you are ready to share your journey, it is in your time. Please know we will offer you any support we can, even if it's just an ear within this forum. My hope is that you find some comfort here and know you are not alone with what you a facing.

Warm regards

Michelle 🙂

JeffreyJohn
 
Joined in 2015
January 20, 2015, 10:26

Hi Ann Maree


"You wrote of regretting not dealing with your sexuality sooner and yet for some reason you are facing it now. I think it is good that you are facing it rather than never."


I've been thinking about that. I've realised that if I don't face it now then I am condemning myself and my wife to many more years of sadness. My wife has known for a long time that thins weren't right, mostly because of the abuse, but she has also had her occasional doubts about my sexuality and whilst hurt and angry, she said she finally feels like she now knows all of me.


She also does not want to keep it a secret. She has such integrity and she feels the kids need to know so that they can understand why mum and dad have so obviously not been truly happy, why we don't show each other affection in front of them etc.


The more I think about it, the more I imagine us being best friends for the rest of our lives, but free to find love and true happiness elsewhere. What I am really struggling with however is the guilt and shame I feel for not being honest with her. That's the one thing that is truly challenging me every day at the moment. I can barely make eye contact with her because I feel so bad.


I am very keen to read Anthony's book. I want to take this journey slowly and wisely to minimise the pain I cause my family.


Thank you for your support.


JJ

JeffreyJohn
 
Joined in 2015
January 20, 2015, 10:36

Hi IanJ


"It DOES get better. Since the separation and divorce I have experienced emotions that I have never experienced before. I have restored my relationship with my children. I am part of wonderful Christian community."


Yes, I have read your story and your story is one that scared me. I am absolutely terrified that my kids will hate me. I see now that you say that you have restored your relationship with your children and that's great. I find hope in that.


How is your relationship with you boys now? Are they completely accepting and relaxed around you? Have you had to introduce them to a new partner? These are the sorts of things that I wonder about in the future. I have great relationships with my older two boys (18 and 21) and I don't want to lose that. And potentially one day, I may be introducing them to a new partner and I wonder how they will cope with that.


When you say you have experienced emotions that you you had never experienced before, what do you mean by that?


I have so many questions in amongst the denial and the depression and the anxiety and the guilt and the shame right now that I think my head may explode.


Regards,


JJ

JeffreyJohn
 
Joined in 2015
January 20, 2015, 10:42

Hi Michelle


Thanks for your kind words. It's comforting to know I am not alone and that my experience is so similar to other people's.


"In my experience even if they react negatively that will just be a first response, given time people do change their stance, even fundamental Christians."


I take comfort in those words. I've decided I need to be prepared for the worst and it can only go up from there. But I am still so confused about when and how and even IF I should follow this path. My wife is pretty adamant that we must come clean with the kids but has agreed she will not say anything without my consent. She is pretty amazing really.


Thanks for the support. I think this place will be a bit of a lifeline for me for the immediate future.


Regards,


JJ

Chris
Administrator
Joined in 2009
January 22, 2015, 04:08

Quote from JeffreyJohn on January 20, 2015, 10:36 am

Yes, I have read your story and your story is one that scared me. I am absolutely terrified that my kids will hate me. I see now that you say that you have restored your relationship with your children and that's great. I find hope in that.


A key difference that IanJ mentioned in his story is that his wife, unlike yours, asked him to leave pretty much straight away. There wasn't the level of understanding that your wife has already demonstrated, and I think that on its own will avoid a whole world of pain. Knowing that your kids already support gay rights, and that there is no serious animosity for them to see between you and your wife, makes me pretty optimistic. I imagine there might of course be some initial shock of course – the only thing for that is to try and keep the communication lines open so you can share and help them understand.


I'm certainly not saying your fears here are unfounded or anything like that – but I think there are a lot of upsides to what you've told us already which a lot of people previously haven't had available to them in their own coming out journeys. There is a lot working in your favour here in comparison, and that's something to be positive about!

Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
January 22, 2015, 16:42

Hi Jeffrey………I just saw your post.

thought I should let you know this is a specific area i have been working in since my autobiography came out 10 years ago. .

you will find more details here…….http://lgbttraining.blogspot.com.au/p/gay-lesbian-or-bisexual-in-straight.html

here is a testimonial from one of my clients that I'm sure you will relate to. You may have even heard of the gentleman concerned .http://www.anthonyvennbrown.com/testimonial/john-smid/

feel free to PM me here if you like

IanJ
 
Joined in 2009
February 27, 2015, 07:02

Hi JeffreyJohn

Hope things are working out for you.

My younger son is appearing in Strictly Ballroom which is playing in Melbiurne at the moment – a line from the show : a life lived in fear is a life half lived.


We can't always predict what is specifically going to happen, and we can't avoid some unpleasant things but overall, it's true- life does get better when you are true to yourself.


I have good, but varying, relationships with my children. They are growing up and need independence. And I am happy with the relationships I have with them.


And, as for feelings? I was never in love with a woman – not in the way that I feel for men. It's exhilarating to feel something, and in reflection think, "oh! So that's what everyone else has written, sung, extolled and been so excited about!"


Best wishes

Ian
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