Male / 40's / Professional / Married with Kids / Thinking of Coming Out / Really Scared

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Joined in 2015
March 15, 2015, 09:09

Hi Jeffrey

I have a similar story. My wife though is very supportive of me and I was open to her before we got married. She probably didn't realise how strong my struggles were, but we have worked together to build a strong happy and fruitful marriage. While we are actually getting some counselling at the moment, it is not actually because of my same sex issues.

I do struggle with the fact that I get aroused easier thinking about guys than I do with my wife, and wish like crazy that that wasn't the case, but we work together and have a fairly ok sex life. She says that there is much more of me to love than my sexuality and is very happy with our sex life. Intimacy is something that each couple needs to work on for themselves and the reality is that in any relationship gay or straight there can be seasons where as you said you become more like house mates than lovers. This though is an opportunity to rediscover that love and attraction for each other.

It won't necessarily be better in a m2m relationship.

With your kids, while every situation is different, I have two daughters 21 & 19, both committed Christians and last year I finally told them my story. Prompted mainly because I was sure that one of them had seen an inappropriate webpage on my iPad (very embarrassing). They were actually very supportive and it has not affected our relationship. They also love more of me than just my sexuality. They think I am a great Dad and now knowing the price I have paid love me even more.

In my situation though I am really trying not to be active with guys and giving my wife and daughters that assurance helped them to know that I was committed to them and to our family. While the thought of being both a guy is strong, when I compare that to possibility losing my marriage, my home and my job (as I work in a Christian organisation) I just don't think it is worth it. I want what I have.

Over the years I have tried all sorts of things to become straight. Unfortunately I don't that that is going to happen so I have accepted who I am, but are choosing to honour my marriage vows just as a stright man attracted to other women would. I do believe that God gives me his grace to help me with this.

What I am currently trying to find though is a safe male friend who is affectionate towards me and helps me meet some of those male intimacy needs I have, but who respects the boundaries that I have as a married person. Maybe this would also work in your situation?

Wishing you all the best in your journey

Yours in Christ


Joined in 2009
April 2, 2015, 17:59

Hi there

Thanks for sharing your journey. Don't be so hard on yourself – to have children is one of the precious things in the world! It is not something to be angry about but proud of.

We all make mistakes and choices that end up not being the best for us and for others, but that is part of life. Hang on in there, life will get better!

Joined in 2009
April 2, 2015, 19:50

For those wishing to keep up to date with JJ's journey, his more recent progress can be found here:

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