Well….I was never the most socially aware child and suffered a lot when I was younger..and being kids the odd one out is often marginalised as 'strange' or 'weird'…that was always me.

I was diagnosed with cancer at 13 months old and even after chemo ended at 3 it was an event that would forever shape who I am, and what I did and believed in.

I was raised in a good christian family, mass every sunday, yes, no, please, thankyou….the rulings of the middle class…both my parents were from the country so I was raised to work for what I wanted in life, that getting in and getting your hands dirty was the way to go and not to be afraid of hard work. And I guess that has shaped my views and sexuality too…

I was raised with hospitals and around doctors after the chemo…always afraid of a relapse..always being told and having the latest medical screw up in my life explained to me by doctors until I took to explaining the issues in words my parents understood before the doctors even finished the sentence…I was given the gift of life…and thats what made my journey that much harder.. It wasn't until a few months ago I discovered that these social deficits I had and mis understandings of social situations were due to chemical imbalances that were caused by chemo at such a young age, and being a 'new' area of medicine I was left to suffer growing up, doctors offering nothing more than. 'thats just who he is..thats just unfortunate but we can't do anything about it'.

My mother…was left watching someone who showed so much intelligence to fail exam after exam…be subject to bullying..and horribly low self esteem that I still maintain to this day.

I still don't know what was worse, watching my mother suffer watching me…or being trapped in the prison that had become my own mind and body for myself with no way out.

I always sort of realised I was more attracted to men than women but was either too young or too far in denial to admit it…I first started playing around with boys when I was 12 in highschool after being labled as too sensative to be straight by my peers at an all boys boarding school and thus began the era of using sex to get attention with my peers…my one greatest regret in life…my parents eventually found out and I denied it…my mother asking if I was gay, if I needed councilling..like it was a mental illness that needed to be treated…that I was sick again. I couldnt be…I couldnt make her suffer again…I couldnt let them down…I just wanted to be normal

And that one mantra kept me in denial for the following 6 years. 'I just want to be normal' and some days..I still do. after halting and denying my feelings for the other males at my school in a physical sense when I was 15..I still looked for porn etc. by 16 it was diagnosed by a councilor I had the mental age of a 26 year old and a reading age of a 32 year old…but my behaviour reflected that of a 12 year old…most days I could pull myself to act my age but there were times I slipped..and my grades never reflected my intelligence. I just didnt get it the same way everyone else did….why couldnt I just be normal??.

Depression set in and for years I hated and loathed myself, and on a few occasions I considered suicide but it wasnt until AFTER I came out that I began to struggle with self harm and alcohol reliance..I was such a horrible person…and why was I given a second chance only to suffer so much, when people much better than me were left to die? I hated and resented my second chance on occasion

After my parents and I grew appart I realised I needed to get away for college and so once offers came in, I applied out of town and moved out of home 2 months after turning 18. And I met her.

My housemate never took my bullshit from the moment I met her. challenging me on my social awkwarness, calling out my wrong doings and sayings she forced me to be social…and taught me how…and told me to 'just give in and admit I was a raging homo and love it' after one such night..I admitted my excapades with fellow students in highschool but how it had never gone past friends with female peers despite my trying.

I was finally out. 2 months later after being introduced to new friends as her gay housemates I admitted I had feelings for males..it wasnt my need to replace my absent relationship with my father, friendship with my fellow male peers..everything those psychology books I read at 15 had told me…no I was simply. gay. And though it wasn't until I met my current boyfriend november of that same year that I could admit I was gay and not bi..I had finally come to terms with my feelings and resolved that I could be normal…and be gay. And if that were the case…God loved everyone…sent Jesus to die for ALL our sins..then I must be forgiven too…and who I was was ok…I was finally ok.

I still suffer with depression and have a lot I need to resolve..I will never be outgoing. and my self esteem will always struggle after years of broken trust..I no longer have issues with self harm but regularly wear wrist bands…but…I'm getting there and I have my bf to thank for keeping me smiling.

Hi xXxMidnight BoyxXx,

Welcome to F2B and thank you so much for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to open up and share such personal details about yourself. You have certainly be through a lot in your young life, I pray that things only get better for you. 

Such nasty stuff that chemo, it plays havoc with adults bodies let alone a young child. It is amazing you have survived it all. Shows your inner strength to overcome so much in your life.

So wonderful about your flat mate, sounds like she accepted you for you and helped you accept yourself as well. As well as teaching you some wonderful lessons in life.

It's understandable you suffer with issues of self esteem after all that you have been through. You have shown inner strength and courage, you should be proud of yourself.

It seems things are on the improve for you, which is wonderful. The awesome people at F2B will be able to offer you further support and acceptance. There are some incredible stories on this forum of courageous people like you 🙂

God bless.

Hi xXxMidnightboyxXx,

thanks so much for sharing your story.

No doubt if you have been reading the stories on this site – you will know that there is power in the stories of others to help and encourage. Similarly, the sharing of your own story – your own truth can be quite healing and liberating in and of itself. So a big thank you for contining this dialogue and journey on the site.

Wow! I love the story of your housemate – what a great woman to be supportive in a real and down to earth way – sounds like she was just who you needed in your life at that time. It's amazing how often the right word spoken by the right person at the right time can be quite transformative. (just as the wrong word at the wrong time by the wrong person can diminish or damage).

I look forward to reading more of your story – I have been tremendously supported by many "right words' on the f2be site – I trust and pray you also will find this to be the case.

Sarab

Thanks for the words of support, In terms of my mother…my family and I talk but are distant. I came out to them 5 months into my relationship and the day I found out about the chemical imbalance the chemo had caused…I am currently on medication suppliments to help this but its a day to day thing for now….I found out about this site through a friend as he had just joined not that long ago. They say they are ok with it but I know they only say that as I am their child and after my childhood they are over protective…however they do not like my partner much and see him as a bad influence

Yes I was lucky to have my housemate at that time…she had been through a lot herself and as such didnt take crap from anyone…even me. Clearly its what I needed, I have gone back into my shell a lot since i moved in with my partner though, after failed friendships and more broken trust that awakened issues long ingrained from highschool bullying…but thankyou all for the words of support

Hey there – as an Addendum to my previous post – I wondered if you had read this post

http://www.freedom2b.org/forums/a-mother039s-journey-12-mths-on-t1804/

Whilst not appropriate in every case – and only you can judge whether its a good idea or a really bad one – but you might consider asking your mum to read it (if if you just print it out)

Phill