My Son is Gay?

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Joined in 2012
March 23, 2012, 11:11

I am just here because i think i need some help on where to turn, My son has told me he's gay, although i suppose i expected it in a way i think i was hoping i was wrong. I have a very good relationship with my son, he's 16 and i think in a way it's good he can just tell me although his sisters knew before me. Please don't think i'm a bad mum, i support him 100% in whatever he chooses, he's still my son no matter what and i will always love him. When he told me, i said the "are you sure"… "maybe you'll grow out of it"… his face said it all and i felt like i was being cruel so i gave him a big hug, told him i respect his choices, i support him etc. and then walked out of the house got in the car and balled my eyes out….

Why do i feel like it's wrong? Why do i feel so disappointed inside when he's the same person today as he was yesterday? Why am i so emotional about this? I just can't deal with this?! I am so scared for him! I am scared he's going to be judged, he's going to be picked on… i'm terrified of when his father finds out… We have a neice who is lesbian but apparently according to family, that's ok but gay isn't! What do i do??

Joined in 2005
March 23, 2012, 12:29

Hi there

Thanks for your post. I want to say I appreciate you posting and I know that it's a difficult time for you. Mums often know I believe but it's still difficult and emotional when you are told. There are hopes and dreams (yours and the ones you have for him) that die when you hear those words. There are fears for him. As you say – you are scared for him. However – you still love him and you are right – he is the same person – and in fact – you know him better now. And thats a great thing – for him and you.

One thing that might be hard to understand – but I do want to note – is that he didn't ¨choose¨ to be gay. We are made that way and I hasten to add – you didnt make him gay. The science of what makes is gay is very complicated and there are multiple pathways that lead to it. It's not appropriate to go into here… but the evidence is such that the medical profession, Psychologists and Psychiatrists through their professional bodies now officially accept we are born gay. No choice involved.

I can tell you that I am now out to ALL my friends and family. My 93 year old father defends me to anyone who dares make any judgmental comment about me (he lives in a tiny country village of about 500 people). I have been out at work for over a decade. I am a Godfather to a lovely girl whose parents are very devout Christians and my partner and I are full members of their family. I am out to my straight neighbours in a working class suburb in Sydney (not a traditional gay Suburb by any means) and we socialise with them in our homes and at the pubs. A year or so back I worked for the UN Overseas and they recognised my same sex partner. My partner and I are coming up for our 12 anniversary. It's not a perfect world – but my experience is – most people are quite supportive these days. Being gay should not be such a big issue now (I know it is sometimes but it doesn't have to be).

Now what can you do – Posting on here is a great start. If you have any specific questions – that will help us deal with specific worries and issues you have. I don't know where you are – but coming along to a freedom2b chapter meeting if you are in Sydney,Melbourne or Brisbane – might help (with your son) Also – I would strongly recommend Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. (PFLAG) Other parents will relate to what you are going through – having been through it themselves. So either email them or find a chapter nearby and attend that. That's a start – there's many more resources as well but I wanted to get a reply out there.

Hang in there… many of us know what you are going through..

Joined in 2012
March 23, 2012, 13:08

Thanks for your reply.. we are in country victoria. A country town and i suppose that's why i am so scared for him!

I don't know if i can understand how someone can be born gay. He's not my only child and i did everything the same for all my children. That's what i don't get! I am just having a lot of trouble coming to terms with this. It's only a new thing for me (being told) but his sisters are just so accepting and can't understand why it has affected me this way. He is very close to his sisters. Apparently all his group of friends have known for ages but he just didn't tell me and i thought we were so close! He's my only son, and he's my boy… sorry as i am writing this the tears start again, it's so much to handle, but i know in my head it really shouldn't be. It's so hard.

Joined in 2010
March 23, 2012, 13:19

Let me (as many others will) reassure you that what you're going through is quite normal. The next few months will be a time of adjustment, grieving and lots of learning. But through all of it, you will grow closer to your son and quite likely the rest of your children too. He will still need you too!

I'm encouraged that you took the time to search for and find a site like this, and post your story. That's one of the first steps. And you will discover that there are MANY like you that have gone through the same thing. Ask them as many questions as you can!! The groups listed above will be helpful, but don't discount some counselling to help you work through things if it gets to be really difficult.

I'm in Eastern Melbourne. If you're anywhere close by, I'm happy to meet up and chat. Alternatively, we can talk on the phone. Just send me a private message if you're interested.

Many folk here will be thinking of you, praying for you and walking the journey with you. Don't feel like you're doing it alone.

Peace and hope.

Rev Matt Glover

Joined in 2012
March 23, 2012, 14:10

Thank you both for the advice, i really don't think i am ready to speak to someone at the moment as i am quite emotional and cannot stop. I feel like such an idiot, but it feels like a part of me has died, if you could understand that… it's just so hard!

I love my son and will support him always, but i think i just need some time to let this sink in? I have searched that site and have saved their hotline number for when i am ready to speak about it, why am i feeling like this? I can't understand.

I found this site googling as i just wanted to read other peoples experiences, i thought that might help.

Mother Hen
Joined in 2011
March 23, 2012, 14:32

Hi Anonymous73,

First up I’m so pleased you have found this site, I commend your courage in posting and seeking help, that really is the first step of trying to get your head around all this. Also wow that is so wonderful amazing that you showed your love and support for your son. Not all mothers do.

I’m also mum of a gay son, I’m on this site to support him and all the other wonderful LGBT people on this site. I really know where you are coming from, so please know I do have some understanding of what you are going through. Feelings are not logical, they don’t make sense but you feel what you feel and that is ok. If you have not read it already can I suggest you read my story of my son coming out to my husband and I, it was 15mths ago. It’s a place to start and then I’m more than happy to answer any questions you may have and help you through this difficult time. Feel free to Private Message me on this site if you want to talk more privately. There are also some other mother’s on this site Helen her story is here

Everything you are feeling and thinking is normal and ok, I visited the PFLAG site when my son came out to us and just knowing all the thoughts and feelings I was having was normal and other parents had them and I wasn’t going crazy was such a relief.

One mother to another, I’m here to help you, you will get through this, the first week is tough, I cried on and off for the week like I’ve never cried before, it gets better, the fog clears, confusion leaves. You will get through this.

God bless

Joined in 2005
March 23, 2012, 14:45

Hi there

Well where my family live everyone knows everything about you before you do (sometimes I seriously can't work out how they find out things but they do). I have to say its become more urbanised since I was a kid but it's still small and everyone still pretty well knows everyone else. I know quite a few gays that live in the country happily.

It took my dad a year to get his head around my being gay. It probably didnt help that I have no dress sense, My idea of a great holiday is to grab a backpack and hike through the snowies for a week or so, rode a triumph motor bike and drove a 7 litre V8 car and and was in bed when the sun went down and up at the crack of dawn… not what people tend to think a gay man is like. However he did in time. In the end he would look forward to coming to stay with us or he would ring to talk not to me but my partner. He introduces my partner and I as his two sons.

I do know that its not a choice to be gay – and it's nothing you did. Later we can recommend many books etc if you want but for now just hang on to the fact that it's now accepted by the Medical profession that its NOT A CHOICE.

Your son hasn't changed. He's exactly the same as he always was so focus on that.

There is a Victorian chapter of PFLAG

VIC – PFLAG Victoria

Contact: Kerrie

Email: [email protected] – Phone: 0412432760

and one in Shepparton

VIC – PFLAG Shepparton

Contact: Shepparton

Email: [email protected] – Phone: 0409626647

Address: PO Box 1697 Shepparton Vic 3632

and one in Melbourne proper of course

and we are here of course !

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
March 23, 2012, 14:53

Hi Anonymous73

Welcome to f2b! You have found a supportive, loving place here. There are many members and visitors who can relate to what you are going through.

This is a time of grieving and adjustment for you, and as Mother Hen said, it's not logical or easy to get your head around. Please know that you won't be in this place forever and things will get better for you. Mother Hen and other parents here can attest to that too.

PFLAG is an excellent organisation. If ever there was an example of God's love on earth, it's personified by that group, in my opinion. I'm glad you have their number and can only reinforce that you call them when ready to do so.

As others have said also, there are many here who will be only too happy to discuss things with you, to listen and share experiences so do take up any offers to send a private message. You can message me too.

I echo what shadow boxer said, that we have plenty of resources you can access as you need them. However I imagine that at this time when you're feeling totally overwhelmed, it might just help to engage with others here who have been where you are and come out the other side.

We are here for you in whatever way we can be of support.


Ann Maree

Joined in 2008
March 23, 2012, 22:25

Hi anonomous73,

Can I guess you are about my age?! I have a 16yo daughter (as well as a 13yo daughter and 12&14yo stepsons) and my situation is in reverse to yours. I'm the one who 'came out' as gay 6years ago. My children had to travel their own journey of how they might reconcile the mum they knew and the now out and proud one. I suppose as a parent it's difficult regardless of where you stand but we offer love and support as unconditionally as we can 🙂 at the end of the day your son knows you love him and hopefully appreciates that this will take you some time to process.

Take a deep breath and concentrate on what binds you together as a family.

Warm regards


Joined in 2009
March 24, 2012, 01:23

Hi Anonymous 73

You have found a wonderful place where people really do understand and are very supportive.

We feel for you in processing this. While it is important to give yourself time, I am sure you will grow closer to your son through it all. In some ways what you are going through is a grieving process and that will pass in time.

I am gay myself, medically proven, and I came out to my children (40 and 37) a year or so ago. That was not easy, but I am so glad I did it. It cannot be changed. Many other parents have learned, they would not want it changed for their children either. It's a wonderful part of who you son is. He has taken a big step and isn't it wonderful he felt he could tell you.

You are definitely not to blame. Your son will be fine. I was most encouraged to hear you say he is still your son and that you love him just the same. Try to learn to be proud of him as your gay son. I'm sure that would mean the world to him to know that.

Another wonderful person is Mrs Shelley Argent, President of a group called Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. When you are ready, if you wanted to, Shelley has helped many parents through just what you are dealing with. Her son is gay and he was in the Qld Police force for many years. But Motherhen here is a very special Mum of a gay son here too.

We have a great group of gay Christians here. They include several doctors, a school principal, an accountant, a computer programmer, manager in a large electricity company, several ministers, an architect, several high school teachers etc. We are just ordinary people who just happen to be gay and it is just fine.

Thinking of you

David (Rev)

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