No Hope! 26y; Immigrant; new Christian; Hand cuffed by culture 🙁

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Joined in 2014
November 4, 2014, 23:50


Thanks for this site. Thank you that I too can share my story.

I am 26 now and an immigrant to Australia. I am pretty sure I am Bi or may be more Gay if it makes sense. I have read a few stories in this forum and seeing hope through others is some relief. As for me hope is something even too much to ask. Even though I live in Australia now along with my brother, I pretty much carry along with me the culture of my Native country. Coming out is not an option for me and will never be. Back home been Gay wil get you into trouble with the Law of the country. It has nothing to do with religion, the best treatment you can expect is psychiatric help.

At 22 I was really down in life. It necessarily did not have to do with me been Bi but more of me been lost and alone. Frustrated and alone in a foreign country with my parents back at home I was thinking of committing suicide. At the time the only reason which stopped me was I could not let my mom get hurt as she loves me a lot and has done so much for me. But it came to a point where I thought I am going to find away to end it. But life took a complete twist as I found Jesus Christ. I did not come from a family with a Christian faith and at the moment where I thought my time was about to tick off I found the love of Christ. While that brought new hope into my life and a new life with a new start it also did not go well with my family. It hurt my mom very much that I became a Christian and upto date she is trying to teach me with love that I am wrong. She has even taken me to meet individuals from her faith so that I will change my mind. But she does know that Jesus is the reason I am living even today. But with all this going on my feelings towards other guys did not change. At the beginning I thought I will be healed and if I am been honest I still hope it will go away someday.

After becoming a Christian I gave up even having alcohol even socially. Not that I believe it is not Christian to have alcohol but more like I am not giving my self to be able to get drunk and not be in my sensors and sin against God. But what I could not give up is been attracted to other guys. The only way I could deal with my frustration was by watching porn. Well I guess I got addicted to it in the meantime as well. I felt like such a hypocrite in saying I love God in one side and going to church but then I would come home and watch 'GAY' porn. If you did not know the church loves 'converts', so I was known by all and was loved more than I could ask for (Even though it was not the real me they loved). LGBT was not welcome in the church and they even have preached against it and I had to listen through it all. Now my new fight was with my own guilt not only feeling like a hypocrite but also I didn't want to let down the people who loved me in church. But at 23 things took a new turn when one day the police came charging into the house I stayed. They said that I had down loaded child ponography. My blood in my body went freezing cold. I used a software called 'LimeWire' and I did realize that I had downloaded child ponography by mistake which I deleted. I explained to the detective what had happened and I had to tell him my struggles. He asked me whether there is anything on the computer after a short interview in my bed room and I was pretty sure I had deleted all and that is exactly what I told him. But he took away my computer and said I am free to do what ever I want until the investigation finished which would take at least 3 to 6 months. Well the investigation took a bit more than 6 months where I received a call 3 months back Which was a couple years later. But it was not good news for me as I had not deleted all and had missed a few. I went the police station and learnt that there were 12 photographs left which I had not deleted. The detective said he went through my computer and as I had not deleted my history he had checked it all. He believed my story but had no choice but to charge me of possession of child ponography. But during all this time he was extremely extremely good to me and he said he is not going to arrest me but I will have to face courts in the near future. He said I won't go to jail and he is pretty sure of that and advice me to get a lawyer to try explain my story to avoid a conviction but did admit that it is a long shot. Which means I will be included in a sex offenders list for life and will be seen as a 'monstor'. The only good thing is no one knows about this and hopefully I can keep it that way. For now I am awaiting a date to appear at the courts.

The worst for me in all this is that I am seen and been a problem solver for many others. Whether it's family, relationships, finances many others I have had friends and family come to me and take advice. Even married people I have been able to help as God has blessed me to be able to talk to others and help them out when in need. I have had so many people share so much personal things in their life in trust and thanked me for helping them out. But little that they know I can't help my own self out and only wish I could talk to them free and as who I really am.

If I summerize the day I come out it will be something like; my mom getting a heart attack and dieing, my dad committing suicide out of shame, my friends and family distancing them from me, may be my brother would kill me and save me the trouble.

I love Jesus and I pray that he will love me as he has and not reject me. It would be nice to fall in love with a sweet guy and be accepted and loved for who I am. But my only hope seems that I fall in love with a girl and these feelings will go away. I know it won't either as I have had real committed relationships with girls but I would watch Gay porn at the same time as well (I know that sounds stupid). I know I can't have a boy friend because it won't be fair on him because I can never come out. As that would mean I will have to leave my family and friends from childhood. I tried the internet to meet other guys but I have only found people wanting sex and nothing more. I don't know why I wrote all this here and I hope Jesus will forgive me for my sins. Love and acceptance is it too much to ask! No Hope – 26y, Immigrant, New Christian, hand cuffed by culture 🙁

Joined in 2011
November 5, 2014, 14:10

Hi & thank you for having the courage to share your story. It really sounds like you are stuck between a rock & a hard place. I'll be praying for you. You are loved my dear friend. Please hang in there & keep in touch.

Joined in 2011
November 5, 2014, 14:15

Praying for peace, not condemnation.

Joined in 2010
November 5, 2014, 15:49

Hi There,

I'm glad you found us here!

While you feel isolated and without hope, I think you'll find that there are many here that can walk the journey with you and help hope return.

Feel free to share more as you are able, or if you would prefer to share offline, I'm happy to chat privately.




Joined in 2014
November 5, 2014, 22:30

Thank you miss.muppet, appreciate it and God bless you!

Thanks Matt that may be of great help. Will keep in touch 🙂

Joined in 2011
November 6, 2014, 09:09

Glad to hear back from you sculler. I wish you well. I'll be around & will keep praying.

Joined in 2011
November 14, 2014, 18:21

Dear Sculler

What amazing changes you have made in your life- coming to Australia, becoming a Christian and identifying as gay. All of these demonstrate that you are a person of courage who is prepared to make decisions and live with the consequences. And now you face charges in the court.I pray you will find the same courage to deal with that situation.

You say there is no hope- there is always hope! No matter how desperate the situation may be, God can bring new life out of it. And there are people around who can support you through this hard time, either through this forum or else perhaps your friends. There are churches also which will support you. So hang in there- remember always that you are a loved child of God.


Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
November 16, 2014, 23:01

Hi Sculler

Welcome to f2b. 🙂

If you haven't sought some counselling, I would recommend doing so. You are dealing with a lot of things and any one factor on it's own would be very stressful and difficult enough let alone all together.

You can see your GP and ask for a counsellor/psychologist or contact Matt who has already posted (mrg). From my own experience, when you find a counsellor you are comfortable with, that person will listen fully and confidentially without judgment, showing understanding which can help you explore your options while enabling you to feel supported and safe. You will be helped to find clarity which will enable you to move forward.

Wishing you all the best.


Ann Maree

Joined in 2014
November 20, 2014, 01:41

Thanks again for your prayers miss.muppet 🙂

Thanks Ben and Ann for taking time to reply ….

Well Ann I might try and send a message to mrg soon. The Detective who is in charge of my case recommended a place to contact but the doctors appointment it self was given 1 and half months after. By the time it came for the appointment I just canceled it off. May be I should have spoken to someone…. Well the lady who spoke to me on the phone was very nice to me but when she said 'she understands what I am going through', I didn't feel she understood anything and it was more like she was been kind to me…. nothing wrong in her part she was a nice person but nothing felt real in the conversation – I don't know whether you get what I am saying… so just left it at that…. it kind of kills that this case is taking so long to finish too…. but it's a such a slow process. …. but I don't see any options in my situation rather wait for a miracle!

Joined in 2014
November 20, 2014, 01:43

Sorry Bev got your name wrong 🙂

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