Hey freedom2b'ers, Jordan here. It's been a long time since I last logged on here so I thought it was only appropriate to give an explanation.

These last few months have been both a long and painful journey, and to be frank, I didn't really want to give the illusion that everything was ok and that I still believed in Christianity, because I wasn't fine, and I no longer identify as Christian, so I decided to just take a long break from freedom2b instead to gather my thoughts and to come to my own conclusions.

Being raised Christian, and told that being gay was 'wrong' or 'sinful' lead me to a lifetime of depression, self loathing, and suicidal thoughts and attempts, because those closest to me, including my own family, and even my hairdresser it turns out, have said many hurtful homophobic statements which literally felt like a dagger piercing my heart each and every time they would say something untrue and nasty about gays, because they were talking about me (whether they knew it or not). I suppose this has lead me to major trust issues.

Because I was raised to believe a certain way, I think naturally, this made me skeptic (though this could just be my personality). I've always been the type to question something rather than taking something I hear as pure fact, and to look at the other side of things. I remember the time the pastor at my church said 'it's ok to be in a relationship… As long as it's with the opposite sex'. Half the audience clapped, and some even gave half hearted laughs in agreement, I on the other hand was devastated and my spirit crushed beyond repair. At that time I started to really think. Why am I listening to this twit, as if his words are holy or sacred, when he is just another human being like me, who is simply preaching his version of the bible? And further more, didn't Jesus love everyone? (Well, apart from the Pharisees, lol – flipping tables in a rage comes to mind) Because as far as my understanding goes, he isn't coming to condemn.

Since coming out of the closet to my parents, and seeing the harsh reality of homophobia intwined in everything and everywhere I go, including religion, churches, media, movies, television programmes and more, I've come to realise that, not only have I felt like I've been spiritually assassinated by the church, and by the very people who are supposed to love me for who I am, but I also realised that I'm sick of the amount of hate in this world, and dare I say it, unchristian Christians – those who say they preach love, but do anything but love, under the guise of 'love the sinner, hate the sin' and the countless other patronising statements. Some even say that being gay is 'ok in the eyes of the lord' (of course it is, ones sexual orientation cannot be changed, therefore is permanent and also means we are 'born this way' as Lady Gaga puts it), which makes me smile, but then they ruin it by going on to say 'but the sexual part is sinful, and if you engage in that lifestyle you'll go to hell', and to that I say… who are you to tell me what I can and cannot do? And who are you to judge?

As you may tell by my sarcastic tone, I've grown tired of all the hypocrisy and judgment that comes along with religion, and mainstream Christianity in particular, and as a result I no longer identify as Christian, but now, agnostic.

I am also tired of seeing churches being built to which they do a whole lot of talking, and not a whole lot of action. I don't know whether it was a coincidence that I started getting a revelation after being water baptised, but I realised that despite what anyones beliefs are, we ALL need a hero in our lives, whether it's Jesus, or any other figure for that matter, to help us get through this mad world (and by the way, God would be too big to fit into one religion anyway, in my opinion). I have also realised, after thorough research of the bible (thanks to Jeff Miner and John Tyler Connoley's 'the children are free: re-examining the biblical evidence on same-sex relationships' book), that of the only 6-8 passages that could be interpreted as condemnation of gay related people or actions, there are more than 2000 passages telling us to not only 'love' one another, but to help 'feed the poor and needy'. So to the Conservative Christian who opposes same-sex marriage, I ask 'do you honestly believe Jesus' to-do list upon returning, would be to condemn two loving, committed people in marriage? Or would he be more focused on the real issues of society today, like war and poverty? Just a thought and a bit of perspective for you.

Oh and Jesus does actually touch on the topic of homosexuality, as he talks to a gay man in the bible. It is the story of the roman centurion and his intimate other who is a man also. He asks Jesus to heal his partner because he's very sick. Jesus asks the roman centurion where he is, but the man says there is no need for him to come see him, because his word is enough. Jesus says something along the lines of 'greater faith I have not seen in all of Israel'.

So… Jesus condemning same-sex relationships? Highly doubtful.

Long story short, I no longer identify as Christian and will never step foot into another church for the rest of my life. I am done with religion, and I now choose to live life to the fullest, free of hate, whilst also becoming who I was born to be. And to those who will put me down simply for who I end up spending the rest of my life with? I say to them 'love is worth it, and I'm sticking around to make sure I see that day – so bite me'.

I feel I am discovering more and more about myself everyday and growing as a person in my own right and mind. I hope to help other LGBT individuals with whom I can share my experience and life lessons with also. Perhaps I will write a book about what I've learnt, who knows, but I do feel more complete than I was a few years ago at breaking point. To everyone here, thanks for everything you've done for me!

Hey Mother Hen 😛 thanks for your post. And wow, I just triggered tonight I put 'denouncing' rather than 'renouncing' in my title haha, oh what a mess…

The thing is I can't really stand religion anymore, and when I'm surrounded by it, it really does my head in. Like the other day, I didn't know why I had such hatred for the church that was down the road from me. In doing some research, I found out online that the pastor of that church had been one of 70 something pastors which signed a petition against marriage equality here in NZ.

I think if there is any help/guidance I can give to others without being too involved in religion, I could perhaps make a thread with everything that has helped me so far? Things like:

Books:

"Unchristian" by David Kinnaman

"You Lost Me" by David Kinnaman

"The Children Are Free: Re-examining the biblical evidence on same-sex relationships" by Rev. Jeff Miner and John Tyler Connoley

DVD's:

"Prayers for Bobby"

"Bridegroom"

"For My Wife"

"Out in the Silence"

"Lord, save us from your followers"

Sermons:

"Real Christianity is Accepting" by Rob Buckingham

———

I think perhaps I can be of more help (without getting myself hurt – like the time I was spiritually assassinated by various NZ pastors when I sent them an email of my testimony) by providing things that have helped me to other people this way, as I certainly don't know all of the scriptures of the bible and can no longer relate to Christianity itself.

Let me know what you think

Edit: Now that I think about it, I do think I'll write a book about my experiences. I've always had an image in mind of what the cover would look like anyway. It would be a bible in the shape of a gun, symbolising the fact that my faith almost killed me, and that the bible can be used for both good and evil, depending on how you interpret the passages – take Uganda for example, and how they actually use the bible as a weapon to encourage the murders of LGBT individuals. They even wanted to pass an anti-gay bill legalising the death of gay individuals (Similar to what we are currently seeing in Russia at the moment with the 'non-traditional sexual relationships' bill which is encouraging increased violent, and even fatal, attacks against anyone that is LGBT), but luckily through the pressure of other countries, and in particular, the UK threatening to cut any and all aid to Uganda if they passed the bill, it was scrapped – for now atleast. It's sickening.

Hi Jordan

Nice to hear from you again.

I can understand your anger towards the church. I think this is a sentiment shared by many on this forum at one stage or another.

I can also appreciate that sometimes as a way of naming this anger that it may be important, therapeutic or even a matter of survival to distance oneself, leave or renounce beliefs, association or connection with the church.

It sounds like this is important for you to do this.

It may even feel that even those at f2be – (even those who share your concerns) are just a bit close to the whole church thing for your liking and comfort.

So I get that you may just need a break – be it temporary or permanently.

I take the opportunity to wish you well and I do echo Mother Hen's comments that you may well be a great person to offer an encouraging word to any who drop by on the forum.

I also hope it wont be forever that you leave the f2be community. Even though I haven't needed support from the community for some time now, I still try to chip in every now and then, and do try to update my story, as need be, depending upon what's happening. people can learn from your story, the good the bad and the ugly.

All the best

Sarab x

Hey Jordan,

Thanks for posting an update and sharing with us. I know many people who have made the same decision as you to walk away from faith and God completely. I can understand your anger and frustration at the church and why you made your decision. I guess I'm a bit different because when I came out and reconciled my faith and sexuality my faith only became stronger and more authentic. It definitely didn't weaken or dissapear.

Somebody once told me "Don't blame God for the sins of the church". I think this is completely true. As you have managed to see, the Bible and Jesus does not condemn homosexuality. Jesus was an advocate for the poor, needy and marginalised. To many people. Jesus is the visible face of the invisible God.

I'm not sure where you are at with forgiving those in the church that hurt you. I'm not sure if you would ever want to. Regardless of your faith or religious beliefs, forgiveness is powerful and allows us to move on completely.

There are many great people in the church and many great Christian leaders. Martin Luther King Jnr and Mother Teresa are just two of the many Christians that have done remarkable things for this world. I hope you don't get into the habit of thinking that all Christians are hypocritcal bigots because my experience says the complete opposite. The church community that I am now part of are completely affirming, encouraging and loving. They are some of the most beautiful human beings I have ever met.

I wish you all the best in your next season of life wherever it takes you. Keep questioning things. It's not a bad thing to be a skeptic. 🙂

Thanks for sharing your feelings with us Jordan. It makes me so sad that you have found the church to be a place of hate, rather than love. This is not how it should be. I can understand why you are so angry with the church and so many Christians who have let you down and feel the need for your own well being to step away from the church. I will hold you close in my thoughts as you embark on the next part of your journey in the hope that you can find peace and hope.

Bev