:~

My story is plain, but it’s my own, so here it is.

I was brought up Roman Catholic (did not have a choice, really, in a RC country). It was pretty heavy indoctrination, heavy on sin and hell, and light on God’s love.

As a result, although I admire people with a living faith, I can only take ‘religion’ in small doses.

I grew up much loved and sheltered (only child of older parents), and went to a girls’ school till 16.

At 11, I had a best friend to whom I was very attached. She felt uncomfortable with me, and broke the friendship and my heart.

I have never had a physical relationship with a woman. With me it always stopped at feelings and desires.

I considered myself capable of being attracted to either sex, and I chose the heterosexual way. I married, had children, then I met another man and my marriage collapsed.

After the end of that relationship, for the following 20 years I decided to ‘close shop’. I was not bitter, I believe in love and I like sex; I just felt very comfortable with celibacy,happy, not just contented, and in control.

Well, little did I know that it was all going to collapse. Unexpectedly one year and a half ago, I fell for another woman (and I felt so foolish at my age). I let my heart and my mind run ahead of reality and out of control. She did not even know of my feelings and I was already dreaming of a happy future together! She was such an interesting person to know and I had been told that she was unattached. Against my better judgement and for the first time in my life I told her how I felt and I asked her to give us a chance. When she said no, and also disappeared from my life, I was totally devastated. I do not understand why the end of something that had not even started felt to me like the end of a long term relationship.

I now had to deal with issues of personal identity as well as the rejection. There was the dismay – and shame – of witnessing my well-nurtured equilibrium and self-sufficiency shatter, and it was a pretty ‘public’ display of vulnerability, bordering on suicidal feelings at times!

I was lucky to be surrounded by very supportive people; I may not be here had they not been around.

I still do not know what I am, but I am comfortable with myself. I have been working at understanding myself more, with the help of a counsellor who respects and supports my identity. I consider this experience a catalyst for growth and change. But it hurt, OMG, did it ever!

Hi AVB,

How far have I come since this time last year? Well, no matter how I was feeling inside , I have not let that stop me from living, and I have achieved a number of my personal goals for the first year (thank you, coach!),

I have also felt strong enough in myself to wean myself off from the anti-depressant medication.

The uni subject I did last semester (Loss & Grief) has provided valuable insight and tools. What resonates with me the most is the current theory of ‘adaptation’ rather than ‘resolution’. Robert Neimeyer says: ‘closure is for accounts, not for relationships’. I am finding a place for the memory that does not interfere with the present living.

I will never be the same, but I probably do not want to be the same. Living and loving and being a complete person involve every emotion , including pain, and I recognize and accept this.

Hi Lady Jane,

Thanks for posting your story, its a brave thing to do and I hope the comments posted and the atmosphere of F2b make it worthwile for you. It’s not plain at all, in fact I find it very interesting. I tend to suffer (and I do mean suffer) from a very ridged black and white view of most things. I’m working on expanding that scope but its a constant challenge for me. I greatly admire how comfortable you are with yourself without the need for labels or ‘identities’ and to be able to give yourself the time to work through what these events and feelings mean for you.

Loosing someone you love is extreemly difficult and I’m sorry that you had to go through it. I hope that in time you emerge from the grief stronger, wiser and with a greater understanding of both yourself and others.

Again, thanks for posting. q

Hello Lady Jane, I also want to welcome you to our community here. It always lifts my spirits to see a new person posting their story. I admire your ability to live without a label. Today’s society makes it very hard for people to do that and I know many people expend so much mental energy trying to figure out what label suits them best. For many the process leads to anguish instead of answers. You are setting a good example, I think. Hopefully one day, a person will not feel any anxiety at all over feelings towards a person of a sex they didn’t know they were attracted to. Looking forward to hearing more from you soon, Lady Jane.

living with ambiguities is a great lesson to learn. People make poor decisions sometimes when they can’t come up with all the answers.

In the process of churches accepting LGBT people into their congregations they will have to live with some ambiguities……this will be the challenge….because we are so used to saying with have all the answers in the bible.