Well brothers and sisters in Christ, after many years of being who I am and having walked away from my church, music ministry, Christian Camping, school teacher, and former politician in New Zealand, I find myself being touched with God’s fellowship again.

I have known I am gay since I was 12-13, at the time I gave my life to Jesus as well. The Baptist church I was a part of was pastored by a man who preached God’s judgement on gay men with the advent of the AIDS epidemic. To this day I wonder why he preached such venom to an audience that largely had nothing to do with the gay community anyway.

I know of only one other boy at the time who might have been gay in our church and have a certainty that those sermons were not directly preached to either of us. Suffice to say I lived in fear.

In my 17th year I met David, an American who was years older than me, but the object of my obsessions. I did actually end up living with him; the both of us with a dual life- us as a couple, the other as single, appearing to be straight, young men, each involved in the music ministry, and our volunteer work with a Christian Camp. David and I were together for almost a year when he fell seriously ill; we didn’t know the cause of his illness till much later. He recovered the first time with no diagnosis as to why, but months later fell ill again. This time he just wanted to go home to the US and thankfully had the means to fly us both to Ohio, where we both ‘came out’ as boyfriends to his mother. That first week was traumatic enough with his illness playing havoc with his life. His mother and I took him to their family doctor and he immediately asked us both if we lived a homosexual life, words were not required, the look we gave him of embarrassment and shame was enough. At the time the US had thousands of reports in the news of an epidemic in San Francisco, New York, and other major cities taking the lives of gay men, no mention of HIV back then, it was simply put as the ‘gay cancer’ or AIDS. I was to hand in my passport and report to the Ohio health Department on a weekly basis while David was hospitalised, treated like some kind of evil that had visited their city. Four months this went on till eventually David’s mother forbid me to live in her home, and see David in hospital. I never did get to see him again in those last few days of his life.

Returning to Australia I was determined to not be gay. I fell before God for hours, days, and weeks to excise this evil from my soul to no avail. I could never share with my family what really went on, never tell my church what the root cause of my sadness was, try as hard as I could to put on a ‘face’ of joy and spirituality and completely bury the agony raging in my being and the grief of loosing David, the fear of dying from AIDS-even though I knew I did not have this disease.

I met a wonderful girl while at the Christian Camp that year and we were the best of friends. We ultimately sinned, and the guilt of doing what we did was added to the already heavy burden of sin I held so close to my heart. I couldn’t deal with this at all and had a chance to break free with a job in New Zealand. It didn’t take a lot of thought to make the move and I left my home again to escape. New Zealand was far enough away to live my life alone, but close enough to see my family whenever I wanted to. For the next few years I led a life totally engrossed in my work and the church. No relationships, no thought of ever loving and being loved by anyone. I still battled with thoughts, I still would gaze out from the stage of our church and now and again see a guy I would fall for, and then repeat the same agony and prayer, and self hatred for even thinking like this let alone doing anything about it.

Four years had passed and one of my girl friends pressed me for more than ‘just friendship’, I can’t explain why I let this happen but we dated for 18 months till she proposed to me and within months we were married. For quite sometime I actually lived without looking at another man without a single ‘gay’ thought. I began to believe my wife was the one who made it possible for me to be normal. It didn’t last. After the birth of our son I changed career. We moved to the city and it wasn’t long before I come across gay men on the street every day. At this time I was also involved in the political world and was thrust into representing an electorate that was very Bible Belt territory in New Zealand. I again battled with a public persona whilst the internal ‘me’ wholeheartedly felt the opposite. For 3 years I portrayed the wholesome married Pentecostal Christian politician. Some here may have heard of Georgina Beyer a prominent New Zealand MP- the worlds first transexual Mayor and MP, we both stood at extreme ends of the political spectrum but I’m certain she knew the truth of what was my ‘cross to bear’. During that election year journalists quietly questioned me about my sexuality although thankfully never reported it. Of course I vehemently denied any notion of being gay and stooped so low in my denial I would viscously attack the gay community at every opportunity, Georgina being the public face of that, and I blamed her for the journalists probing into my personal life.

Eight years of marriage turned to a farce. I was so disengaged from being a husband and father that I yet again made a rash jump to escape. I returned to Australia and again sank myself into a new career trying to be a-sexual, having no thought or inclination to be near anyone. I left the church, my wife, my son, my business, my politics. I changed my name, and took myself into the outback of Australia where I could live anonymously. it was to be another 3 years before I finally came out to my family. It took me all of that to ready myself emotionally with the expectation I would be rejected, unaccepted, and judged. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I am one of the lucky ones! Yes it took my family a while to come to terms that I ‘chose’ a gay life- what ever that means. I talked my family through an edited version of my life and the struggle I had waged for so long. Ultimately they accepted me and continue to love me and at the time the partner I had. The absolute knowledge I have as evidence my family did accept me was when my partner and I separated and my parents cried at the loss of a son in law. My ex wife and son on the other hand, have very different views and the price I am paying to live ‘out and proud’ is not seeing them at all.

For the past several years now I have only set foot in a church for fellowship or worship once; I want to go more, but have not been able to reconcile who I am with the doctrine I was taught as a youth, and espoused as an adult. A work friend invited me to a church in Adelaide many years ago to hear the message of a former gay man who has been set free of his sin of homosexuality, married, has beautiful children, and a ministry to help other gay people to be free of their gay life. I went, very convincingly acted the part of a full on Pentecostal Christian (even my friend was shocked at the performance) I could have led praise and worship despite the years away from it all. However, the message from this reformed gay man was empty, it reeked of ‘soulishness’ rather than spirituality. Three thousand Christians attended that service. I doubt that 5% were gay, none came to the front during his pleading for those to be set free, while the usual Pentecostal ‘mood music’ played. This experience was the nailing of my spiritual coffin.

Funnily enough it was the CDP Mr P Madden’s Youtube post in recent weeks and the outcry from the gay community on another social website that has roused me this day-today. If his objective was to rouse the Christian community to rally and rail against the gay community he may have failed, but has surely roused me! The thing is I will not be pushed back into a corner where I have to deny or defend who I am. I want to be able to speak with a certainty to fellow Christians who are gay, to Christians who are straight, with conviction and truth.

My God loves me, accepts me, and forgives me. I am only answerable to him. I am neither qualified nor asked to judge anyone else. I dream of a time when Christians can stand by their neighbour regardless of whether they are of a different culture, faith, or sexual orientation and be able to love, accept and forgive them in the same way God does.

My Christianity is simple: Be like Jesus! For all the sixty six books of the scriptures the whole message is reduced to this simple tenet, Be Christ like: love, accept, forgive. I have learned to do it for myself and hope Freedom 2 b[e] can be a place where I can experience others who feel the same. Perhaps I can provide a new perspective too that is well founded on God’s truth to others gay and straight alike.

Hi MarcSteel

Thanks so much for sharing your story. BTW, how did you find our site?

I found myself very moved by your journey; your struggle, grief, courage and inspirational call to love and unity. Thank you.

I look forward to hearing more from you…. and welcome to freedom 2 b! 🙂

Blessings,

Ann Maree

forest, Anne Maree, and Boi70, thanks heaps for your words of welcome, empathy, and understanding.

I learned of F2b through another web site where both AVB and I have written contributions in response to Mr Madden. Anthony has followed my writing and subsequently mentioned here. Given my Charismatic Baptist and subsequent AOG life I think this forum is a more appropriate place to share. Curiously I find The gay community as a whole is no less discriminatory of each other than the straight community is of the gay. Being a Christian and gay is as hard for non-Christian to reconcile as it was for some of us! As a consequence of much of my writing the gay community at large has struggled to understand my current rant about love, acceptance, and forgiveness. The non-Christian gay guys get the love and acceptance part but fail to comprehend the forgiveness element. They have no concept of why they need to be forgiven much less forgive.

ANYWAY, perhaps in this environment we can explore the simplicity of our faith and the concept of maintaining a relationship with our Lord and being gay. What I’m impressed with is this forum is not about changing anyone, convincing anyone of specific formula to live our lives by, or making judgements about how we have lived or the way we should live. Rather it seems this is a place where we are free to find our own way with the empathy and support of others who are in a similar place, or have walked a similar path. The posts and testimonies are there for us to share our experiences as well as gain insight as to how others have dealt with their situation. Already, in the past few hours I have read others testimony, I have gained a wealth of wisdom from what has been shared.

I have a whole lot of road to walk yet. My son will turn 15 in a months time, although he lives In New Zealand, and we have had scant communication, i have a very good friend who keeps me in the loop with his life. I know he will eventually want to contact me, I can well imagine he will simply arrive at my front door one day and expect answers. His mother has made it almost impossible to communicate with her as well as him. He is being parented in an AOG environment, attends the Christian school I was once a teacher at, and in all this he has yet to hear from my own mouth that he has a gay dad. I want so much for my son to grow up with the wisdom that he is to be Christ like, and really understand the love, acceptance, forgiveness message I want to tell. I surely don’t want him to subscribe to the cliche of ‘love the sinner, not the sin’ that I grew up with, yet maintain bigoted and judgmental attitudes to all things that don’t fit the ‘Christian’ mould.

I know it seems like I’m having a rant here; perhaps I am. Why I write this is as much about me ‘letting out’ my thoughts and frustrations as it is about sharing the things important to me that will resonate with others in a similar situation.

As one friend I have said the other day, Lord help those who have to listen to me speak let alone those who may read my words!

AVB, this is for you when and if you read this: I have known of you for many many years. I’m glad that Mr Maddens quest, while confrontational and possibly threatening to the gay community exists, He may very well have drawn out from under rocks some very articulate, intelligent, and convincing leadership (and I certainly don’t mean me) to bring into focus Christians who are same sex attracted. May those people be fully in Gods spirit in speaking the truth, at a time that is ready for those who need to hear and listen. May this be the time when gay as well as straight Christians be liberated from beliefs and behaviors that have bound the church for decades, and in doing so show the world what Gods real message means.

http://maddensaysorry.blogspot.com/ & http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Should-Peter-Madden-Say-Sorry/148387358555637 have been disappointingly slow

WOW…..Marc….what a story.

thanks for your encouragement.

have we actually met.

BTW…….was the gentleman you were speaking of at the Adelaide church ,,,,,,Sy Rogers.

Anthony, indeed it was Sy, he was ‘ministering’ at Paradise. It was a very sad time of my life and the effect at the time was quite contrary to their desired effect.

However, I now see it as one small step towers the path I now walk and gives me a resolve to be open, honest, and self accepting; it gives me the compassion to be sensitive to other gay people who are/have experienced similar lives. I am so so thankful for this forum and others that allow me to express my feelings and thoughts. Moreso, read the feelings and thoughts of others and realize how I have never been alone while on this journey.