Hey guys, I haven’t posted in a while, but I will now because I have a problem. 🙁 I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I can’t stop. I keep worrying about things that I think will happen in the future, about having to deal with conflicts with other people, and it’s making me feel depressed and somewhat anxious. For example, Ellen DeGeneres is now a judge on American Idol, which I think personally is awesome, but now I know that I probably can’t watch the show with my family anymore, because I know my dad is going to make hateful comments about her and the person who is going to be hurt in all of this is me. My little sister also watches this show and I don’t want her to be indoctrinated by my dad to hate gay people. I know that he already has tried to do this, by explaining to my sister than Ellen DeGeneres is a lesbian and that being a lesbian is wrong, and of course he does this while I’m in the room, as he has yet to show the slightest hint of anything resembling sympathy or compassion for me when it comes to my orientation. I absolutely adore my sister and she adores me and if my dad teaches her that being gay is a horrible thing, what is she going to think when I finally come out to her? And our other favorite show, The Amazing Race, has a team of gay Christian brothers, which is also great, but again, I can’t watch the show with my dad -something I used to love to do and was very meaningful for me because it was one of the few things that we really did together that we both really liked to do- because he’s going to be putting them down and saying cruel things about them. I know this from experience. I once told him that two teams on one season had gay members, and he said that it’s okay if they win, because they’ll still get their reward in Hell. I know it sounds petty and the simple solution would be don’t watch those TV shows, but it’s more than just a TV show to me, it’s almost like a family event that I won’t be able to participate in. I hope this doesn’t come off as being petty… hopefully you understand me. So yes. What am I supposed to do about this? I know I shouldn’t worry, but it’s so hard to stop, especially when it’s concerning something so personal. I just don’t want to be hurt anymore, especially not by my parents… 🙁 What do I do?

gee gettingthere……that is a tough one. I’m not sure I have an answer….and it takes a lot to stump me.

hopefully some will have suggestions…..afterall that is why we have the forum

First, its absolutly okay to be thinking and worrying about this. You’re in a really tough situation living with your parents who refuse to accept or achknowledge your sexuality and add insult to injury by making disparaging comments about GLBT people in your presence. I’d be worried too.

I think it’s important to reciognise you’re not responsible for the opinions and decisions of other people. Your parents think being gay is wrong but thats not your fault and its not up to you to change their minds. They won’t come around until they are good and ready and from what you are telling me it doesn’t seem like they are. That isn’t something you can change or force. You just need to be honest, be who you are and be open to discussing the issue if it is ever broached in a respectful way. The rest isn’t your battle to fight because nothing will come of it until your parents make the decision to change their attitude.

It’s also not your responsibility to protect your sister from their comments. You’re so young and it seems to me like you are not only worrying about issues beyond your control but you’re being overwealmed with stuff that you shouldn’t be at this stage in your life. Perhaps you can talk to your sister about gays and lesbians and see what SHE thinks, without your dad present. Make a casual comment about Ellen and see what happens. Maybe she disagrees with your dad but is afraid to say so or maybe she doesnt know either way. It would be a good, casual, way to broach the idea that gay isn’t all bad without having to explain your personal reasons for wanting too. I mean Ellen is famous with millions of dollars, sounds alright to me.

I get the impression that you’re struggling with a lot of loss in this situation as well. Your parents refuse to accept your sexuality and this has placed a barrier between you which is esepically evident when you watch TV together. This must really hurt after what was previously such a close relationship. It isn’t fair that you should miss out on a significant family event that you’ve enjoyed so much. I don’t think there is a “solution” as such. Having your own TV doesn’t help because it isn’t really about the show is it? It’s about spending time with your family and sharing in the experience of watching it together. There are I think a few things that you can keep in mind to cope with your parents comments:

1. What your parents are saying about gays is not your fault or your responsibility. It was probably there long before you were born and is not a dirrect reflection on you as their son.

2. Your parents have many exelent qualities aside from the derogatory comments that make them loving parents. Focus on these and perhaps suggest ways the family can spend time together without the gay issue coming up. Maybe you can all play sport or a board game.

3. Your sexuality is not “who you are” are as an individual. This is particularly an issue during the teenage years or at least I know it was for me. Absolutly everything was about being lesbian. You have many traits, tallents and attributes that have nothing to do with being gay and from which you can further develop your relationship with your parents. Who you are as their son hasn’t changed just because you came out and they didn’t like it. Your identity is made up of so many factors which they embrace. Remember and focus on these when you feel yourself becoming effected by what they are saying.

4. Have some support avalible if you need it. Here is a good place but maybe its also a good idea to get involved with a gay community organisation or even some counselling (schools and uni’s generally have a free service) not so they can “fix” you but just so you have a safe place where you can be yourself and talk about what is happening in your life. Journaling is also a great idea to get out emotion and things that stay bottled up without anyone else having to know.

I hope that helps, keep us posted.

it was a good response wasn’t it.

wise lady is our sandy 😀

and gettingthere is not only 17 but lives with his missionary parents in a foreign country….I think its safe to say that isn’t getting there. If not please delete this.

I thought some reading your posts might not realise the additional things you have to deal with.