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Parents your advice needed

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Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
November 15, 2011, 13:53

Hi there


I have been communicating with a young man in his early teens who was referred to me for help.


He wants to rid himself of his homosexuality. As he has said several times he wants to be DELIVERED from homosexuality. I have suggested he post here but I dont think he feels comfortable with that.


I am assuming that he is from another country where Christians have not come to the new understandings we have about sexual orientation. If I did know where he lived I wouldn’t want to post it here anyway to protect his privacy.


He has just written to me again.


To my church went this psychologist that worked with cases like mine. I would like to tell my mom about this so that she could take me to him. My fear is that she would get depressed and although I know she wouldn’t reject me, I am still afraid. She would’ve liked for me to tell her first than anyone but I don’t know if she would understand. I do not know the exact time to tell her. HELP?


I thought the best people to answer his questions would be Mums here on this forum. I will send him the link to this thread so he can read your helpful responses. Maybe he might feel comfortable posting here hiding behind a username and dialogue with you.


Thanks for your help.

Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
November 15, 2011, 14:47

Hi avb


Well although I’m not a mother I really feel for this young man and his situation. When it comes to timing of coming out, I think most of us here can relate with that dilemma. Firstly, I think it’s great that he’s so positive his mother won’t reject him. That suggests a close and loving relationship which is such a gift. Not everyone has that and that’s a great strength and potential support.


I think planning is important with regards to coming out. Writing a letter can work well in getting thoughts and feelings on paper. The letter can then be edited until the message best expresses the young man’s heart. Having some positive resources available for his mother might also be helpful, such as a dvd of ‘For the Bible Tells Me So’ for her to watch. The following link also shows a moving response from the father of country singer, Chely Wright, who came out. http://www.freedom2b.org/topic/1071 It might be helpful for the young man’s mother to see positive examples of how other Christian parents respond. And if he does decide to write a letter, he could include suggested supports for her like this site, http://www.freedom2b.org, and Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbian and Gays (PFLAG). Of course we are also very willing to help him draft a letter or prepare another way of coming out if he prefers that.


I wish him all the best,


Ann Maree

Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
November 15, 2011, 15:09

Thanks ann maree…..as always your thoughts are very helpful and kind.


one of the problems this young man is facing at the moment though is not so much coming out…..but disclosing to his mother that he is gay….so that he can get help to try and change it.


You are so right about all those resources you mentioned……they are perfect for him…..and also his mother.


after I offered some help and resouces to accept his sexual orientation including links to Bryans story here he emailed back to say


Thank you, but I don’t want to keep this sexual orientation lifestyle.

I do consider your concern very helpful, but I want DELIVERANCE,

not to be accepted as Gay (Which God did not chose for me). Thank

you anyways.


My heart goes out to him…..I remember being in that state myself at his age. I suggested he read this. http://gayambassador.blogspot.com/2008/07/how-different-my-life-would-have-been.html

Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
November 15, 2011, 18:05

Hi AVB and to the young man you are referring too. 


 I can only speak about my own personal situation, my son and the unconditional love I have for my son. As mother all I ever wanted for my children is for them to be happy, safe, feel loved, financial ok and know that they could come and talk to me about anything. Above all I wanted them to know how much they are loved. As much as I understand my son’s reasons for not coming to us first, as his parents we really wished he had. I grieved that I was not able to be there to support him in his time of struggles, times he felt depressed, that he had to deal and come to terms with being gay on his own, that at times he felt so alone. As a mother I would of done anything to support him through these times. In saying all that I also know my son became confident, happy and accepted who he is and likes who is he because he did go through these tough times and came out the other end a better person for it.


When our son told us he was gay, we both got up and hugged him and told him we loved him unconditionally and accepted him for who he is. Our grief was mostly that we weren’t able to be there to support him through the tough times.


I think Ann Marie’s idea of writing a letter at least at first to gather his thoughts and work out what he would like to say to his mum is a good one. From what has been said it sounds like his mum won’t reject him and will love him. It also sounds like he wants his mother’s support through this time. 


As to the timing of when to tell his mum, from a mother’s point of view, as soon as possible. From the young point of view whenever he feels is the right time.


Allow the mum to be the mum, it’s mum jobs to look out for their children, to care for them, love them, support them, encourage them and a lot more. Don’t be afraid for your mum, she will be pleased that you have trusted her and have such a wonderful relationship that you were able to come to her. 


My encouragement to the young man would be to accept and love himself, to also know that god loves him and knows him. That whatever his decision God will walk with him and love him.


God bless.

Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
November 15, 2011, 19:31

Hi Anthony


Oh I forgot about that – he’s not wanting to be gay and cannot accept the idea that homosexuality might not be evil.


No matter what his views about homosexuality, he’s still wanting help with the disclosure method. And writing a letter might still be a good way to do that with his mother. However, he wouldn’t be interested in the resources I suggested. He perhaps wants to try an ex gay program but unfortunately many here can testify to how they cause untold damage and don’t work. Reparative therapy has also been disproven through research and not recommended by psychological boards.


So he can try prayer, fasting, celibacy and standard counselling and see how he goes with those. Being with good examples of gay Christians might also allow him to reassess what he perhaps views as the evil homosexual lifestyle.


Wishing him all the best,


Ann Maree

Suzee
 
Joined in 2011
November 17, 2011, 19:07

Well my heart goes out to this young man…particularly because he doesn’t think its okay to be gay.

He may try many methods to try and change, only to find that none of them will really change him inside. He may work on his behaviour and call himself straight, but that doesn’t make him straight. There is no deliverance from homosexuality…as you’ve no doubt told him Anthony.


I know most people here know this, but maybe the young man will read this too.


I am saddened that he cannot accept himself as he is, though it must be so hard to do that. He seems to be repulsed by the knowledge he is gay. I pray he will come to accept himself some day. He possibly thinks its wrong and evil, but its not.


He mentioned a gay lifestyle…so who knows what he imagines that to be? Maybe he needs to know that being gay doesn’t mean being immoral. He can live his life as he would being straight.


Either way…the most difficult thing is telling his mother. I like Ann Maree’s idea of writing it down. It may be the easiest way of breaking the news to his mother. Whatever way its done it won’t be easy. I do hope she won’t reject him…


Its not simple is it? There are no easy solutions. It will be a long road, and I hope he will make the right decisions.


((hugs)) to him from me

Suzee

Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
November 18, 2011, 10:43

I think the important thing here is not whether we agree or disagree with him in regards to not wanting to be gay. But to support him as he walks this difficult walk. It’s his choice if he wants to try and change, all we can do is support him, give him a place to express his concerns and feelings and offer suggestions if he asks for them.


Whether he accepts he is gay or wants to try and change its not going to be an easy path for him. If he chooses the path of trying ex gay programs then he will really need the love and support of his mother and what support we can offer them both. So many others on this forum have gone down and tried similar things. They will have a great deal more understanding of what this young man is facing.


This part of the forum is a great place for his mother to come and read the stories and to be in contact with others mothers that may have some understanding of how she could be feeling, she will find support and comfort here for her as well.


To his mother I encourage her to just love her son, be there to support him in whatever decisions he makes. Not to push him into anything, that is not going to make change happen. Any gentle loving guidance should be done with his best interests at heart and not what others think or say should be done. Love should be unconditional. Pray for him, pray to God for guidance, wisdom and understanding and to accept your son for the amazing young man he is whether he is gay or not. God is more powerful than any evil influence that others may say is upon your son. If after all the prayer and whatever else might take place if your son is still gay then maybe that is how God created him and loves him just as much for it.


I can only imagine the struggles this young man is facing and will face down the track. It’s is such a terrible injustice that the world is still not at a place where we openly accept LGBT people, some parts of the world less accepting that others. 


I pray that somewhere in his church are some wise people full of Gods word and grace that can help guide this young man into accepting the beautiful wonderful creation he is. 


God bless

Suzee
 
Joined in 2011
November 18, 2011, 12:56

You are right Mother Hen. When I read back through my comments I thought …Oooo, that’s not the best thing to write!

I didn’t need to disagree with his stance, but only offer support and encouragement. I hope I haven’t offended him, or anyone else.

I keep making mistakes and saying the wrong things….I’m learning. :~


I hope he will have loads of support and help in the days to come.


Suzee

Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
November 18, 2011, 18:24

Hi all


The young man said in reply to Anthony:


Thank you, but I don’t want to keep this sexual orientation lifestyle.

I do consider your concern very helpful, but I want DELIVERANCE, not to be accepted as Gay (Which God did not chose for me). Thank you anyways.


After re-reading the young man’s comment above as well as the other posts, I was struck by his plea for deliverance. And when you think about it, this is a very human thing to do. I can certainly relate. I think we have all asked for deliverance at various times, including Jesus before he was sent to his death. And many in the LGBTI community would understand this in terms of going through a time when they didn’t want their sexuality or the difficulties associated with it.


Counselling might help with this. Talking with a qualified counsellor in a safe, confidential space can allow you to examine your thoughts, beliefs, values and feelings. Counselling can help you feel supported to do what is best for you. And a good counsellor will work with you to honour your best interests rather than having an agenda. Some things to consider either in or out of counselling might be what you think the gay lifestyle involves and also what lifestyle or values you want to uphold.


I hope that’s helpful.


All the very best,


Ann Maree
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