I am at a crossroads in my life. I have used education to hide the deeper inner issues of sexual identity for most of my life. Now that I am in the final year of PhD studies in theology–and almost 50 years old–there’s no place else to hide. Besides, I am tired of hiding. I am trying to be at peace with the same-sex attractions that have accompanied me most of my life. I long to be at home in my own skin. Is it possible?

I am a third-generation Pentecostal in a classical Pentecostal denomination. I would not trade my heritage for the world, but I am afraid that coming out would mean automatic excommunication. In my church, homosexuality is perceived to be the result of sin–so I have lived conflicted inside for years. I am reading several books now about the so-called clobber passages, and logically I understand that contemporary, loving same-sex relationships are not condemned. But the old tapes inside my head keep replaying! Must I spend the rest of my life unlearning this?

I recently had an open and honest talk with my parents about my sexual orientation and the crossroads at which I find myself. My sister and a handful of close friends know about it as well. My parents took it well. They are loving Christians, but hold to my denomination’s beliefs. I feel that I must move forward, but I am not sure what the next step is. In my heart of hearts, I believe that being in a relationship would help me reconcile my sexuality and faith, but do I have the courage to take that step?

I dream about the future–about using my education to write about homosexuality from a Pentecostal perspective. I think a lot could be done with the themes of the freedom of the Spirit and sexuality. I also dream about finding a loving partner and finding fulfillment in a long-term relationship–embodying the love of God in loving intimacy. Are these dreams mere fantasies?

Thanks for sharing the journey…

Hi SeekingShalom,

Welcome to freedom2b[e] and thanks for sharing your story. I will echo Ann Maree’s affirmation that you can be at home in your own skin! In my mind, this is one of the greatest pursuits of humankind – to be happy and at peace with oneself. On a philosophical note, this is not something that magically happens, but is sought by each of us individually as we create our own destiny for ourselves. Your dreams and goals sound very worthwhile and are certainly attainable.

I’m reading a book titled The Way Out by Christopher Lee Nutter in which he quotes the philosopher Joseph Campbell who coined the phrase “schizophrenic crack-up” to describe the common perception that gay men align themselves with a certain “gay culture” rather than letting go of all their preconceived ideas about spirituality and God and listen to their own hearts.

My favourite movie (and a true story) is A Beautiful Mind because it demonstrates that we can overcome and conquer our fears and preconceived notions about what it means to be different, see it as a gift instead of a curse, succeed in making a definitive contribution to society, and ultimately make a positive difference to those around us.

We are here to encourage and support you in your journey.

Thank you for your responses and encouragement. I sense that this is a safe, accepting community. Ann Maree, I have found the writings of Jurgen Moltmann helpful to move Christian theology away from the patriarchal image of God into the social, egalitarian concept of the Trinity. My favorite book of his is ‘Trinity and the Kingdom’ but ‘The Spirit of Life’ also has some great sections along these lines. Pierre, I cried after watching, ‘A Beautiful Mind’. I will take a look at Nutter’s book. Ian, my reading of Anthony’s book is what led me to this community–the book is very helpful in its honesty. By the way, I’m located in the USA.

I feel led to share a series of ‘prayer images’ (for lack of a better term) that have accompanied my journey. When I first became aware of being different and perhaps needing to hide something about myself, I subconsciously created what I later referred to as my ‘chaos room’–an inner, psychic ‘space’ in which I could contain the chaotic feelings swirling around inside. After my college years, when I first attempted to probe the questions related to sexuality, it was the place where I could keep the issues safe from my daily life. I would crack open the door, go in and probe, wrestle with God about the deep questions, kick and scream, cry and be depressed, but then leave and shut the door behind me (to keep the chaotic emotions and contradictions at bay and be able to function on a day-to-day basis). I lived with this ‘room’ inside me for years. After several years of unresolved inner conflict, the image of the room began to change. After talking with my sister and some close friends about the issues (some four years ago), I realized that the room was opened up and emptied out. It was as if the swirling chaos had somehow been let loose. The room stayed empty for a long time, like an abandoned warehouse. Then after a time, surprisingly it turned into a landscape nursery. For several weeks, I had the image of Jesus helping me go out and plant trees and shrubs all around the outside and far away, until we had again emptied out the room. After recently talking to my parents, when I try to imagine the room, it is no longer there at all. There is no longer a “chaos room” inside me! What I see is Jesus inviting me to enjoy the shade of the trees and the beauty of the ‘inner landscape’ that we planted together. This gives me a great sense of inner peace and hope.

May the God of peace bless the work that you guys are doing here…

seeking shalom…..great user name BTW……so good to have you here with us and that you feel safe…..thats what we want.

its such a journey for us all.

you might not want to identify what country you live in here but if you are in Australia then you might like to know that we have about 10 people here in Australia who are doing specific research around sexuality and christian faith.

its a private group…..so if you are interested in finding our more then feel free to email me.

hope to hear more from you.

It has been a few months since I have written anything here, so I want to give an update. I attended the Evangelicals Concerned Western Region annual conference in California in July (2010). It was so helpful to meet other gay men and women who are committed Christians and who want to serve God openly. Since then, I have been concentrating on my PhD thesis, which is now completed. I still have the viva (defense) coming up in a couple of months, but the hard work is done. Through that process, I was praying for an opportunity to continue the conversation that I had begun in May (2010) with my parents about my sexual orientation. The very weekend that I finished my thesis, the pastor of my church let loose with some condemning remarks about homosexuality from the pulpit. He had been silent about the issue for several months. So I thought, Wow, here is the opportunity to talk more with my parents (we attend the same church). I told them that I would no longer tolerate being verbally attacked from the pulpit. I am praying for wisdom about the next right thing to do. Should I talk to the pastor about it? Or perhaps simply leave and go to an affirming church? At the least, I was able to assess where my parents are on the issue now–much more affirming than when I first came out to them in May. Also, I gave them a copy of the book, Coming Out As Parents. I am more excited than ever about the future. Although I don’t think that I can stay in my denomination for much longer, God knows the steps that I should take. I appreciate your prayers as I continue on this journey.

I am still…

SeekingShalom