Phil's Story

Page:   1 2 3

Joined in 2007
September 30, 2007, 14:43

I did promise in Iain’s thread to post my story, and I’m not sure if I ever did although I have discussed thing in part all over the place. So here is my humble attempt at sharing my journey thus far.

Who knows why people are homosexual and others are hetrosexual. I guess this statement is a little like, who knows why some are born in developing countries and others in more developed countries. I have come to the conclusion in my studies of literature that we are all equally blessed no matter who we are, where we are born or who we are born to.

I preface with these remarks because I observe that we have all found our walk as homosexual men and women difficult at some point. Some have expreienced every kind of evil, some of us just a few. Ginny Owens, a wonderful Christian artist once said, “It is never the trials in life that make us stronger, it is what we choose to do with those trials that make the difference”. And I have come to agree.

I was born to two great parents, each with their own baggage. Mum is highly strung, Dad is too relaxed and stayed in his ways. God love ’em. I first remember having a crush on my grade 3 teacher, Mr Dawe and then wondering what Mr Blacky would look like in the nude. I used to have little crushes on friends when all the boys were playing kiss chasey with the girls, and I usually found myself joining in so I didn’t appear different.

I tried to fall in love with girls though my schooling, but to no avail. I did love them, but only from the neck up.

My mother realised that I was interested in performing arts at an early age and before I went to school I was enrolled in ballet and vocal lessons. My first recolection of primary school was being surrounded by a group of grade 6 boys who were calling me fairy, and fag and poofter. I didn’t get it, but realised it wasn’t meant to be a compliment. None of my friends from preschool ‘got it’ either, but understood that it meant, keep away from Phil or you’ll get picked on.

I asked Mum what a ‘poofter’ was one day, and her response was frightenly honest. I would from that day on be frightened that someone would try to put their private parts into my bottom. But that didn’t deter me from wanting to know what other boys looked like in the nude.

I think I was about grade 4 when I saw my first pornographic film, and that confimed how interested I was in the male form. A little early to become so sexually aware perhaps, but I was aware alright. I would look through Mum’s trashy woman’s gossip mags for a glimps of a TV star in speedos or a bare chest, and I’m sure you know what young boys do with images that arouse them.

I knew very early that I was gay but couldn’t tell anyone. I used to dream that one of the men I fantasised about would ask me to do things with him. I don’t know if that is normal, but its how I knew.

I was singled out by guys as being different because I danced and sang, I would have been good at sport, but they never let me play. So I find myself out of the sporting loop and more of a misfit when I made it to Highschool. The new friends I made there soon decided it was better for them to keep their distance too, so I made my ‘girlfriends’ and kept to myself.

It was when I finally had enough of the ridicule and wanted a change that I moved to the Senior Campus in Mildura to finish my Higher school certificate that I finally got a girlfriend. I kissed a few girls uncomfortably and found it hard to pretend to be excited about them. The first girl to offer herself to me, I kindly refused, not the reaction she was bargoning for.

I did become attached to her in the 9 months we were together. We never had sex, and I tried to avoid kissing her. She broke up with me and returned to her boyfriend and I decided to return to smoking drugs up the back of the oval. An escape I found comforting when I made it to Senior college.

Turning 18 brought heavy drinking and lusting after more of my male friends, a heartbreaking and confusing time. I had to break out. Shortly after discovering ‘party’ drugs, I had to move to the city and so headed to Melbourne. I went to Raw – my first Gay dance party, loved it, and that began my downward spiral of drug abuse and partying.

I finally came out to a friend, a very liberating experinece and began to finally kiss boys and not feel bad about it. I hid it from my family as I hid my drug taking and finally met my first boyfriend – who I totally regret.

It was after my close friend was murdered in 1999 that I started to search for spiritual meaning in life, and when I had a miraculous conversion to Christ on the floor of my loungroom, I believed, I had found the answer to all my confusion about who I was, and believed, as I was told, that God could turn you away from your sin.

I will have to do a part II, we have to take the dogs for a walk on the beach – sorry – back soon…

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
September 30, 2007, 18:39

thanks for the cliff hanger

Joined in 2006
October 3, 2007, 18:55

Yeh thanks!!!!!! ? wink I love your openess and frankness so far, very refreshing.

Joined in 2007
October 4, 2007, 16:38

So after Hilary was tragically taken, the parties just weren’t fun anymore. Not just because Hil wasn’t there, but because I felt differently. I realised how quickly life could be taken away and that I needed to be totally fulfilled in the life that I have. I realised for the first time that all the drugs and the parties hadn’t made me whole. And the confusion of being half in the closet, and half out made me feel translucent.

It was one night, while stoned on my loungeroom floor that God revealed himself to me. He asked me why I had never pursued him, or given him a chance in my life in what what like a weird vision. It sobered me that night, right up to who I am today. I realised there was a supernatural being, who was all loving and wanted to embrace me.

It has perhaps been this unique first encounter with God that has held me grounded in the desire for simple Gospel meaning. Even though the Churches fed me, this change so you can be a Christian garbage, there was something inside me that was very conflicted by the teaching.

The first church I ever went to was a little church in Melbourne’s east. A church where I circled the carpark the day of Hilary’s funeral. I never made it to the funeral, but I made it to this church, and months later I found myself there again, for a very different reason. It was kind of spooky.

I found that the theology of works that is airbrushed into the fabric of may evangelical churches was very present there and once I had learned the basics of Jesus’s life story, I found the services dull and sad. Part of it was the enthusiasm of being new to Christianity, having that spark or wanting more of God, and looking around at the bored, generational Christians who didn’t seem to understand that there ought to be a celebration.

I quickly learned that denominations like to be distict, they like to be separate, and there is plenty of ‘bitching about the neighbours’.

Realising that baptism by emmersion actually doesn’t kill the real person inside of you and bring on an angelic and other self, I finally confided in a youth pastor who helped me to connect with some Christian counselling. And to my suprise it wasn’t to be what you or I might have suspected. The early thirties guy who met me in the little room overlooking Collins street listened intently to my ‘problem’ and then offered me his disclosure statement.

He told me that he didn’t disclose matters of his personal life unless it was absolutly neccessary and asked for my permission to do so. In a state of confusion and without preparation for what he was about to tell me, he revealed that he was a Christian Minister who was openly gay and living with his partner of 6 years in a committed relationship.

Wow. My jaw dropped and I basically thanked him, said I’d make another appointment, but rushed out the door as fast as I could. This was not what I was expecting to hear. I truely believed at that point that it had been a sign from God, that this man was a trick of the devil and that I was to do this step by step with God. So off I went to make myself straight through denial and false belief.

No. In all honesty, I do believe this began a real journey towards coming out to God, as funny as that sounds, and to myself. I opened my heart for God to change me and do his will. Something that is a very big part of my testamony. God can do all things. Ge can make a man or a woman straight. The real questions are, does he need to, and does he want to?

I may have shared my struggle with a few other people throughout the years, but finally I decided to take myself off to college in NSW and become a school teacher. I was faciinated by the way that children develop and learn.

While I was at college, I was to live in a dormitory for men, and share showers with other guys and my struggle was sometimes intense, and other times less of a struggle. I had crushes on plenty of guys, and only dreamed that we would accidently fall in love. Silly me. I finally surcummed to looking at pornography again.

Late 2004 a friend’s brother came out to his family, and at this point I finally told two close friends about my struggle. I said that I would talk to the brother and help him ‘through it’. A promise I couldn’t keep.

Things reached a climax in 2005, my final year, when there was a lot of Spiritual warfare on our campus. There were people having all sorts of crazy things happen, lots of false prophesy and occult style meetings. The worst of it, was that they believed it was in the name of God. Some of my close friends were involved, and thanks to God, have been released from it and can now talk about it. It was a dark time. A time when I was spiritually harrassed by people I trusted.

Some information about my sexuality was disclosed through a prophetic session they had, and the enemy gave information about me they could not have known. It very nearly brought me down. For the first time, I wanted to take my life because I was so open to God changing who I am, but he didn’t. Not a single flicker of straightness.

I couldn’t minister to my friend’s brother, becasue I had nothing to tell him. I was a fake. I wasn’t different, I was gay and in hiding.

I graduated, alive, and took a job at a school based close to my uni, and was able to remain friends with those still completeing their degrees. I moved in with a close mate out near the lake. It was good.

Then It happened. I was in a wedding party for a good college mate in the South Island of New Zealand. Poor Jamie told his family and friends that when they meet me, they might think I was gay, but that I wasn’t. I had never told many of my mates about being gay.

Well when I met Michael, the bride’s brother. I realised I was in for some trouble. We avoided each other most of the day. I was there to serve as the best man anyway. But later that night we finally got to talk. It was really amazing. He shared about his Christian experience and his love for God, and it was like God was speaking to me though him. God was telling me, I was loved, just the way I am.

He ended up crashing out next to me on the bed made in the lounge, along with a whole bunch of other left over party goers, and the next morning we exchanged email contacts as I left to catch my flight. I was so torn. I emailed him at the airport, and when I got home, there was already a reply.

We kept in contact three times a day, every day and I realised it was a chance meeting that was about to change my life. After a few days I told my flat mate and he was really supportive. Well seemed to be. He had to deal with it in his own way.

I kept it to myself at school, but everyone pestered me so much about getting a girl friend, it made me feel like I was lying. I confided in a few friends at my old uni and at school, but it didn’t take long for it to circulate in the community.

The big long story that can be discussed at a later date, due to a Human Rights and Equal Opportunity Commission enquiry is that my contract wasn’t renewed at that school.

Michael moved here in June last year and we still live together.

It has been tough for him as we have both gone through the rejection of his sister, my school (indirectly), and some of my friends as they have tried to reconcile faith and sexuality. It shows that lots of people have to undergo a ‘life of unlearning’.

Well that’s kinda it in its basic form. As you can imagine there are lots of details and things that i can’t include unless I write a novel. lol

Joined in 2006
October 4, 2007, 18:46

Phil, you could write a novel and easily too, I mean as in youre experiences really resonated with my experience as a Christian and am sure it would with many, you do write well, thankyou for sharing, youve helped me put another piece in my jigsaw puzzle ) .

I completely agree with what you said in that you dont have to become anything to become a Christian, you come as you are and just believe, all Jesus ever said was “come all ” etcc etccc… and yes what God wants changed he is capable of changing and changing when he sees fit to change it, if he wants it changed at all and usually he leads us to that change, not thrusts it on us with guilt trips and devils being present.

I could go on and on about what you have written, not that anyone elses story isnt as important but I just sense that maybe this could be another “life of unlearning” seller if ever you wanted to write a book.

(sorry if I am being frank in saying you could write a book, you strike me as a straight forward person, so I have been too wink )

Joined in 2007
October 4, 2007, 19:50

Thanks Magsdee,

Wow. It’s kind of weird to have such a cool response to something that is just my life story. I would like to write a book, and perhaps one day that will happen. There might be a few things waiting in the wings to fall into place in my life before I do though. I will have to copy and paste my post so I can keep it for reference, like someone else said, when you tell your story it is so hard to work out where to start.

Well at least someone would buy it if I did write. So thank you, humbly.

Trying to fit in now is the hardest bit. I’m not yet there no how to live this double life considering we have so few rights in employment and stuff. I’m still struggling with that I must confess. I have to keep to myself at work while everyone says husband did this, kids said that, boyfriend and I are goint to Athens etc etc… Its especially hard when everyone is so social and invites me to things and I can’t bring my partner because I’m not supposed to be ‘out’ with work.

Life is never meant to be perfect, but I feel I need a break through in this arena. Someone to lead me or for the rules to change. Hmmm that would be best.

Joined in 2006
October 4, 2007, 21:14

No worries wink

One thing I have noticed Phil, what may seem ordinary to us because we are or have been amongst it and so got used to it can be quite extraordinary to someone else. Its wonderful when we arent aware of that, we remain humble and what we say comes from the heart as we feel or think it.

Speakers or autobiographic writers (is that a word lol ) that capture the attention of people the most are the ones that speak matter of factly from the heart as it comes to mind , you can have your notes but when God steps in (if we let him) he makes it something wonderful and even life changing because he can bring to mind safely the right words or things to share, with even the right words, to help those that need it. We are all called to do something and no matter how big, open, hidden or un-noticed it may be, it is all significant. We all impact the world immediately around us, even just by being ourselves, that in itself is a calling because it helps those who are afraid to do so see that its ok. Alright enough of my preach LOL wink

I can imagine it must be hard living a dbl life, I did for a while yonks ago but dont be hard on yourself, coming out completely thankfully is a choice and when we are ready we do, no one really has the answer to what to do, all we have is suggestions and experiences to share, whatever you decide is right for you and your situation, will obviosuly be the right thing to do for that time. One day, not too far off, I hope we will all be treated better and with more equality.

Joined in 2007
October 5, 2007, 15:32

So sweet and so kind. Thank you again.

You are right. For each moment we understand what we need to, then later we learn some more. There is a season for everything under the sun…

Joined in 2007
October 6, 2007, 09:28


I just finished reading your story mate. I feel very vulnerable right now; you opened some old wounds of mine through what you wrote.

I guess my relectance to build a real solid bond with my Pastors over the years was caused by seeing a lesbian couple pushed out of the Church (Pentecostal) by the Elders, at the Pastor’s approval.

From then on l went from Church to Church…never really staying long, through fear of being ‘found out’ and shamed in the community. I don’t think l could cope with being excluded from my Church…it would shatter me, cause at times in my life, the only thing l felt l really had that wasn’t ashmaed of me, or hated me, or be discusted by me, was my faith in God. If that had been taken from me…well?? Not that one can’t have a faith that exisits outside a traditional church, but at the time in my journey, l needed the community of church…i really did.

Your bravery in taking the sysytem on serves as motivation for me…you are doing God’s work. Stand tall my friend (if l can call you that!)

Take care.


Joined in 2006
October 6, 2007, 10:38

Rural, I hadnt come out to my church for the same reason, it was the only place where I connected with God and his annointing through others, (not saying that didnt get it on my own with him) but there is something that happens amongst believers that sometimes you cant get on your own.

If you dont come out to the church or anyone else for that matter, that is ok, God knows and you know when you are strong enough to do so and the right time, you are doing nothing wrong by keeping it from people in the meantime. Some of us are called to be in the open but not everyone is, some of us are just meant to “be” and “be” with the comfort of knowing that we are accepted and loved by God and that there are others around like us and that is very ok!!! Freedom 2b stands for just that, the ”

freedom to be” and be as we are comfortable being under the creators loving hand.

Page:   1 2 3
WP Forum Server by ForumPress | LucidCrew
Version: 99.9; Page loaded in: 0.092 seconds.