Apologies to the depressing story, but I believe some things must be said, just in case anyone is somehow in the same situation. And sorry for this being too long, but I’ve actually tried to keep it as short as possible.
From an early age, I had already known about my sexuality. Despite not knowing the anatomy of the human body back then, I knew that I had a strong interest in men. In fact, my mother would remind me that back in first grade, I decided to say “I’m gay!” for show and tell. As easy it was for me to have said that; the aftermath was quite difficult.
For my family, no one responded negatively, though my dad did try to persuade me to be interested in girls occasionally but nothing like shock therapy. I guess it was possibly because he didn’t know how to react to his 5 year old son claiming he was gay. But as for my friends they began to treat me differently.
Eventually as we become older into puberty and more educated, many noticed I was different. I was often made fun of for always being with girls, not being able to play sports properly, interact with guys and because I was more ‘flamboyant’ than all those who played sports. Throughout primary school, I’d always run crying to my brother and sister to avoid the adversity. But when I reached final grade I was alone and I would always question if God has been punishing me for all those years all because I said those simple words.
So I lived as a depressed being until the eighth grade, where fate brought me to my first girlfriend. I was in love with her and was so was she, until again, everyone started questioning my behaviour and she began to notice and eventually we became apart but I would always still be crazy for her. This continued into year twelve, but this time I started to acknowledge my sexuality once more. This time it was a lot more difficult as I was contemplated, “Am I gay or am I bisexual, or maybe this is just one of those phases.”
As society was beginning to also acknowledge sexuality in relation to religion, we would also incorporate this with teachings in religious classes. I guess I was lucky to have no one objectify or say anything mean about homosexuals, but at the same time I felt ashamed because I wasn’t able to participate in fear of becoming noticed. As the days went by, I continued to question, until eventually last year I decided that maybe my 5 year old self was right and I began to accept my that I was gay.
The first person I told was my ex-girlfriend and she responded, “OH MY GOSH.!!! THATS SO AWESOME!!”. Turns out she always wanted to have a gay guy to talk to and plus she was really happy that I was being honest with myself. Soon after I began to tell all my friends and surprising they each responded the exact same way. I started to participate in various groups such as Twenty10 and Freedom2Be and found myself surrounded by pride and eventually my depressing past and regret disappeared. But there were only a few people I hadn’t told. My family.
Everyone pretty much new, but I just didn’t want to confirm it, because I felt that it didn’t need to mentioned. And also because it meant that my parents could choose from a wide range of assumptions whenever I came home late.
On December 23 2010, I went on msn and noticed a strange contact whom I never seen before. We started talking and then striked a conversation which soon led into a relationship. So I continued to live life happy and normal but one day my neighbour asked me how my boyfriend was. No one in family reacted and then I told myself that I should tell my parents soon. So I decided that I would tell them as soon as got back from visiting my boyfriend in Canberra.
I had gotten so excited, that I decided to skip my sister’s 20th birthday just to visit my boyfriend and fall in love. Canberra, as empty as it was was worth it because I got to see my boyfriend every day. On the third night as I planned how I would tell my parents, my dad called me. I was freaking out. Maybe it was a sign that I should tell him now, or maybe he found out I’m in another state just to see my boyfriend. He told me to come home and I asked him why and he simply demanded nicely for me to come home. As I was scared, I told my boyfriend to drive me to the airport and apologised for cancelling the next few days with him, but he understood.
As I arrived home, I received some very dreadful news. One that I always hoped I never would have to face. My older brother had drowned in Port Macquarie, caught in a rip. I was in a confused state and I didn’t know how to respond. I felt that I was the least close to my brother which was probably why I reacted the least. Then the grief kicked in as I began to again question religion and wonder if this was all because I chose the queer path and because I decided to choose my boyfriend instead of my sister’s birthday. It also kicked in more as we planned his funeral and it just kept getting worse and worse as reality began to settle in.
And as we had to wait for a week for his body to be delivered, I kept regretting and wishing that I had the opportunity to tell me about the real me. Tell him I was gay. Even to this day I wished that I could tell him and he’d be there to tell me that everything would be alright. All my friends were in another state so they weren’t able to be there for me. I began to feel alone and kept thinking why God would do such a thing, and the only personal thought I could come up with was because I was gay, and maybe God didn’t like gays.
Although my boyfriend was in Canberra, we kept in communication so that I would remain sane and so that I could have at least one person to talk to. Soon he remained silent and stopped texting. Turned out his lung deflated and he had to be in hospital. So now, at this period of time I was praying to God hoping that he would take my brother’s soul into heaven and also hating God for all the punishments that happened in a row possibly because I was gay. I spent the following months in depression once more, but this time it was more dramatic.
It was not until about a week ago, when my late brother’s gay friend read a DNA article that I was mentioned in and invited me to his birthday party. He pulled me apart from the crowd, and told me that he knew what I was going through and how much he regretted not being able to tell his mother that he was gay before she passed away. But what I didn’t expect to hear was that him and my brother once had a conversation about me being gay and my brother said he didn’t care so long as I wasn’t being target by anyone or making myself vulnerable.
Although it still is hard at the moment, I know that there will always be one glimmer of light of hope to surprise, whenever it is needed the most. Although I am yet to confirm with my parents, it makes me proud to know that there is an organisation to assist others struggling in their sexuality and their religion, just as I was.
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