I’m Brunski, I was a member here under a different username many, many years ago, but kind of got side tracked with life, struggles and more struggles and simply haven’t posted in many many years. Anyway, Anthony “convinced” me to come back to this community forum thing, so here I am 🙂
My story, well without wanting to make this too long as I tend to write “too much” I’ll stick to the main points of my story (at least I will try) 😉 I have been a Christian for about 22 years, I was raised as a catholic but found God through personal sickness and started attending a Baptist church & did so for about many about 15 years of so. I first discovered that I was gay when I was about 14 initially, I just thought I would grow out of it, it was part of growing up, I was told, “all kids go through that stage” maybe they do, the difference here was that I never grew out of it! I was born with epilepsy and had enough trouble coming to terms with that, understanding it and excepting that, in that regard I was different to other guys. In primary school I was often teased and beaten up because I was seen as being a “freak” even my older brother referred to me as a “spastic” anyway … thing were hard enough without having to deal with my unwanted homosexual desires. I was always taught that gays were sick, perverted, not normal and evil, gays would go to hell if they didn’t repent and turn from their wicked ways, blah, blah, blah … as with I guess, all you guys, I struggled to accept that I was gay, I didn’t want to be gay and believed that I was abnormal and a bad person, I was going to hell! At 16 I attempted suicide by overdosing on my epilepsy meds, I couldn’t cope with my illness, it took its toll, on top of that I was gay and didn’t want to be, I believed that God hated me and I was going to hell! A few years later, I again attempted suicide by overdosing on my meds, when the room started spinning and I heating up inside and struggling to breath I realised that I didn’t want to die … ended up in hospital got my stomach pumped … my parents couldn’t understand why I attempted to kill myself, I couldn’t tell them that I was gay and didn’t want to be, they blamed it on my medications. Doctors had been changing my medications for years trying to find the right one that would control my seizures, some of the side effects included depression, psychosis and suicidal tendencies … by this stage I was attending church I was born again and this wasn’t meant to be happening, I was a new creation, the old was gone and the new had come! But I was gay, something wasn’t right, I became all the more depressed, my mum got my pastor to talk to me, eventually I told him that I was gay, his response was that I should pray and surrender to God and confess my sins and turn from them. I did but nothing changed, in time I was told that I was demon possessed, I had allowed the demon of homosexuality to come into my life, I opened the door to Satan! I was lead into a back room with the pastor and other church leaders, they laid hands on me and prayed. After that I was “cured” God had set me free. But my sexuality didn’t change, I was still checking out guys and looking at gay magazines while my friends were looking at straight magazines, I still looked at other guys my age in church and thought, “damn, that guy is hot!” I still felt drawn to the same sex. Again, I confessed and sought help from my pastor, he told me that I was possessed and again had opened the door to Satan, I had to be strong! I had to continue to confess and turn from my sin. I would go to hell if I didn’t and then it would be too late. I underwent three more exorcism & each time I was told that I had been delivered from the demon of homosexuality. I was set free from the bondage of homosexuality, I was now normal! Sadly, I believed it until I started checking out guys again and masturbated over gay magazines. I become all the more depressed because I believed that I was no longer a child of God but a child of the devil. I was evil! I continued to struggle for many years, sought counselling, was sent to a shrink, was given more drugs, had further exorcism’s and eventually sent to Hillsong to the exgay program Living waters. For a while, it seemed to work, I was “changing” I becoming stronger and able to resist the “demon of homosexuality” I was able to resist temptation and turn away from the sin of homosexuality, but inevitably I “fell into sin” my same sex attractions continued, I became more and more depressed, started having suicidal thoughts again … I went into a different ex-gay ministry in Sydney, but that only made me more depressed. I was made to feel like I was living in sin, I was choosing to be gay, choosing to turn my back on God and refusing to confess my sins and surrender to God. I was “holding onto my past” and God wouldn’t help me if I held onto my gay tendencies, God gives us free will and I was choosing to remain gay!
It has taken me over 35 years to “accept” that I am gay, I prayed and prayed asking God to make me straight, but he didn’t! Its only been in the last 4-5 years that I have “accepted” that I am gay and that God loves me! But in recent times I am realising that I haven’t really accepted it! I have come out to a few close friends but not to my parents, my parents are divorced, mum is a born again believer and dad is a catholic and they both see Homosexuality as sin.
In recent years I have had 2 meaningful gay relationships, but they ended up going nowhere because I am not totally out. I’m currently seeing someone, I love him and he loves me, he is out but I am not at least not to my family, so I guess this relationship will end up like the rest. I cant bring myself to telling me parents even though I am now in my 40’s!!! bloody hell!
Over the past few weeks my church has been dealing with the issue of sin, habitual sin and sexual sin and even though in recent years my theology and views on homosexuality have changed, I continue to doubt. I take 1 step forward and 2 step back. Just when I believed that I have finally accepted that I am gay, I know find myself asking have I really?
I’m finding it hard to let go of past views, I can’t seem to move away from what I have always been told and what I have believed for so many years that homosexuality is a sin. I tell myself that I dont believe that anymore and I tell others that I dont believe that. I get really pissed off when I hear other talk about homosexuality as being a sin, an abomination or that God hates gays or as the Westbro Baptist Church would say, God hates fags! But deep down, I think there is still are part of me that just cant let go of that belief that some how, being gay is evil, wrong and sinful. I have read all about “what the Bible really says about homosexuality” I have read Mal Whites books, I have read Anthony’s book which led me to tears. I am familiar with “gay theology” and the view that the Sodom and Gomorrah story is not about homosexuality, that the passages in Leviticus dont talk about homosexuality, that the Apostle Paul doesn’t really talk about homosexuality as we know it today or the view that he doesn’t mention homosexuality period. I know that Jesus never spoke a word on the issue of homosexuality and all the other stuff, but still there is a stumbling block for me. Still I cant get my head around being gay and Christian.
I cant go on living like this, just when I think I have reconciled myself with God, just when I think I have fully accepted that I am gay, something is mentioned in Church, I find myself in an intimate relationship with my “boyfriend” or I meet other gay Christians and hear their stories, but there is always that lingering voice saying “this is wrong” I am “sinning against God” I am a Christian and “should be doing this” what the fuck! I am a grown adult, surely things have to get better, surely it is about time that I am able to move on and get over this!!!
Sorry guys, this is way too long. To those of you who have read this far, thank you! and again, sorry for writing so much!
Can anyone offer any advice? is anyone in the same boat?