returning poster

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Joined in 2005
July 25, 2011, 00:12

Hey guys,

I’m Brunski, I was a member here under a different username many, many years ago, but kind of got side tracked with life, struggles and more struggles and simply haven’t posted in many many years. Anyway, Anthony “convinced” me to come back to this community forum thing, so here I am 🙂

My story, well without wanting to make this too long as I tend to write “too much” I’ll stick to the main points of my story (at least I will try) 😉 I have been a Christian for about 22 years, I was raised as a catholic but found God through personal sickness and started attending a Baptist church & did so for about many about 15 years of so. I first discovered that I was gay when I was about 14 initially, I just thought I would grow out of it, it was part of growing up, I was told, “all kids go through that stage” maybe they do, the difference here was that I never grew out of it! I was born with epilepsy and had enough trouble coming to terms with that, understanding it and excepting that, in that regard I was different to other guys. In primary school I was often teased and beaten up because I was seen as being a “freak” even my older brother referred to me as a “spastic” anyway … thing were hard enough without having to deal with my unwanted homosexual desires. I was always taught that gays were sick, perverted, not normal and evil, gays would go to hell if they didn’t repent and turn from their wicked ways, blah, blah, blah … as with I guess, all you guys, I struggled to accept that I was gay, I didn’t want to be gay and believed that I was abnormal and a bad person, I was going to hell! At 16 I attempted suicide by overdosing on my epilepsy meds, I couldn’t cope with my illness, it took its toll, on top of that I was gay and didn’t want to be, I believed that God hated me and I was going to hell! A few years later, I again attempted suicide by overdosing on my meds, when the room started spinning and I heating up inside and struggling to breath I realised that I didn’t want to die … ended up in hospital got my stomach pumped … my parents couldn’t understand why I attempted to kill myself, I couldn’t tell them that I was gay and didn’t want to be, they blamed it on my medications. Doctors had been changing my medications for years trying to find the right one that would control my seizures, some of the side effects included depression, psychosis and suicidal tendencies … by this stage I was attending church I was born again and this wasn’t meant to be happening, I was a new creation, the old was gone and the new had come! But I was gay, something wasn’t right, I became all the more depressed, my mum got my pastor to talk to me, eventually I told him that I was gay, his response was that I should pray and surrender to God and confess my sins and turn from them. I did but nothing changed, in time I was told that I was demon possessed, I had allowed the demon of homosexuality to come into my life, I opened the door to Satan! I was lead into a back room with the pastor and other church leaders, they laid hands on me and prayed. After that I was “cured” God had set me free. But my sexuality didn’t change, I was still checking out guys and looking at gay magazines while my friends were looking at straight magazines, I still looked at other guys my age in church and thought, “damn, that guy is hot!” I still felt drawn to the same sex. Again, I confessed and sought help from my pastor, he told me that I was possessed and again had opened the door to Satan, I had to be strong! I had to continue to confess and turn from my sin. I would go to hell if I didn’t and then it would be too late. I underwent three more exorcism & each time I was told that I had been delivered from the demon of homosexuality. I was set free from the bondage of homosexuality, I was now normal! Sadly, I believed it until I started checking out guys again and masturbated over gay magazines. I become all the more depressed because I believed that I was no longer a child of God but a child of the devil. I was evil! I continued to struggle for many years, sought counselling, was sent to a shrink, was given more drugs, had further exorcism’s and eventually sent to Hillsong to the exgay program Living waters. For a while, it seemed to work, I was “changing” I becoming stronger and able to resist the “demon of homosexuality” I was able to resist temptation and turn away from the sin of homosexuality, but inevitably I “fell into sin” my same sex attractions continued, I became more and more depressed, started having suicidal thoughts again … I went into a different ex-gay ministry in Sydney, but that only made me more depressed. I was made to feel like I was living in sin, I was choosing to be gay, choosing to turn my back on God and refusing to confess my sins and surrender to God. I was “holding onto my past” and God wouldn’t help me if I held onto my gay tendencies, God gives us free will and I was choosing to remain gay!

It has taken me over 35 years to “accept” that I am gay, I prayed and prayed asking God to make me straight, but he didn’t! Its only been in the last 4-5 years that I have “accepted” that I am gay and that God loves me! But in recent times I am realising that I haven’t really accepted it! I have come out to a few close friends but not to my parents, my parents are divorced, mum is a born again believer and dad is a catholic and they both see Homosexuality as sin.

In recent years I have had 2 meaningful gay relationships, but they ended up going nowhere because I am not totally out. I’m currently seeing someone, I love him and he loves me, he is out but I am not at least not to my family, so I guess this relationship will end up like the rest. I cant bring myself to telling me parents even though I am now in my 40’s!!! bloody hell!

Over the past few weeks my church has been dealing with the issue of sin, habitual sin and sexual sin and even though in recent years my theology and views on homosexuality have changed, I continue to doubt. I take 1 step forward and 2 step back. Just when I believed that I have finally accepted that I am gay, I know find myself asking have I really?

I’m finding it hard to let go of past views, I can’t seem to move away from what I have always been told and what I have believed for so many years that homosexuality is a sin. I tell myself that I dont believe that anymore and I tell others that I dont believe that. I get really pissed off when I hear other talk about homosexuality as being a sin, an abomination or that God hates gays or as the Westbro Baptist Church would say, God hates fags! But deep down, I think there is still are part of me that just cant let go of that belief that some how, being gay is evil, wrong and sinful. I have read all about “what the Bible really says about homosexuality” I have read Mal Whites books, I have read Anthony’s book which led me to tears. I am familiar with “gay theology” and the view that the Sodom and Gomorrah story is not about homosexuality, that the passages in Leviticus dont talk about homosexuality, that the Apostle Paul doesn’t really talk about homosexuality as we know it today or the view that he doesn’t mention homosexuality period. I know that Jesus never spoke a word on the issue of homosexuality and all the other stuff, but still there is a stumbling block for me. Still I cant get my head around being gay and Christian.

I cant go on living like this, just when I think I have reconciled myself with God, just when I think I have fully accepted that I am gay, something is mentioned in Church, I find myself in an intimate relationship with my “boyfriend” or I meet other gay Christians and hear their stories, but there is always that lingering voice saying “this is wrong” I am “sinning against God” I am a Christian and “should be doing this” what the fuck! I am a grown adult, surely things have to get better, surely it is about time that I am able to move on and get over this!!!

Sorry guys, this is way too long. To those of you who have read this far, thank you! and again, sorry for writing so much!

Can anyone offer any advice? is anyone in the same boat?

Joined in 2005
July 25, 2011, 16:47

Today is a new day, yesterday has gone, today things are looking up, I don’t feel the same as I did last night, when I posted this original story. But having said that, nothing has really changed, I’m still very much in the closet, still struggling to move forward and accept completely that I am gay. Surely, things get easier …

Chapter Leader
Joined in 2008
July 25, 2011, 23:44

Brunski – G’day! Sorry, I usually check the Forum more regularly. Only just saw your posting. Will respond in more detail tomorrow. Plenty of guys on the forum with similar story to yourself. We are all a different points on “the journey”. But we all eventually find that ‘there’s light at the end of the tunnel’ and things to become clearer. That’s certainly my situation. Overcoming ‘the lie’ we have been told IS possible. Even when it is deeply embedded in our minds. It takes time to ‘untangle the web’. And this Forum is a great place to help the process. God bless.

Youth Coordinator
Joined in 2008
July 26, 2011, 00:18

Hi Brunski,

Welcome back to Freedom 2 b[e]. It’s good to have you here and I hope that you find some confort, strength and encouragement here. 🙂

My story is in some ways similar to yours. I also had several suicide attempts and went through ex-gay ministries.

When you talk about how you find it difficult to reconcile your faith and sexual orientation I think this may be related to possible post traumatic stress. After all, the bible has been used to condemn us and to damage and abuse us…and so to pick up something that has been used against us and to trust it again is often very difficult. This took me a while to be able to do….I still cringe whenever I hear the clobber passages :~

It seems like you are having good days and bad days?

I think one thing that helped me was to give myself grace….not to rush back into things and to take little steps over time as I started to walk with God, as an openly gay man. I have found in the last 3 years that my faith in Christ has become even stronger and I feel like I am unshakable in my beliefs.

Look after yourself…ask questions here and if you live in Sydney, Mel or Bris then come along to a meeting and get some support and encouragement.

Have a great week Brunski!! 😀

Shane Cathcart
Event Coordinator
Joined in 2009
July 26, 2011, 09:44

Hi Brunski,

Firstly, thanks so much for coming back onto the forum. The one thing I’ve learned from what I’ve gone through is that we can’t do it alone, and being here reading other people’s stories and also posting your own and having others reply is the best way for us to find much needed answers.

In terms of religion, I see myself as being saved and the relationship and trust I put in my saviour means that all my sinfulness, past, present and future has been forgiven when He died for me. And I know He also did this so I wouldn’t be a slave to guilt or worry…not even the kind I experienced in church when I heard similar things to yourself.

We all go through the same doubts as yourself, but please also remember that God thinks you are fine the way you are. It’s only other people’s opinions that tell us otherwise. Hope that helps, and please keep in touch on the forum.

Mother Hen
Joined in 2011
July 26, 2011, 10:16

Hi Brunski,

I am a mother of a gay son, I was very moved when I read your story, in fact moved to tears. I am so sorry you suffered such needless suffering at the hands of the church. I think Ben hit the nail right on the head, you have suffered trauma through the handling of the situation by the church. I believe you have suffered emotional and mental abuse, this is not easy to get over on your own. You need the love and support of friends, a good support group and I also believe counseling. You mentioned you had some counseling trying to ” not be gay” have you had counseling to deal with the past trauma and abuse suffered at the hands of the church. I’m sure F2B could help you find a counsellor in your area that deals with issues of homosexuality who would have experience and understanding of the struggles gay Christians go through.

Your story is similar in lot of ways to so many on this forum, so many if not all have struggled to reconcile their faith, it is hard to let go of the beliefs we have been brought up with. Pile the abuse you suffered at the hands of the church and it’s very hard to deal with all that on your own, these are not every day issues, one can just get over. You are not alone any more, your F2B family is here for you.

It’s not easy to just let go of the past or the beliefs you were brought up with no matter how hard you try and how much people tell you to do it. Neither is it easy to just let go of wanting your parents love and approval or living up to their expectations even at 40. You need love, support, counseling and understanding . Can I encourage you to not force yourself to “just get over it” accept and acknowledge to yourself you have been through a great deal, love and be kind to yourself, don’t beat yourself up over why you can’t just get over it, and accept you need some help. Writing your story here is a wonderful start. Going through counseling and having to deal with past hurts can be very hard and even traumatic in itself, that’s why so many people don’t go but it is worth it, to be free of the past and move on in your life and have a wonderful happy future where there is a long term loving relationship.

I believe once you find an understanding experienced counsellor who will truly listen and hear what you are saying and you are there for you and you alone and with the support of F2B and your boyfriend the issues of reconciling your faith will just fall into place.

God loves you, to quote Lady Gaga “God doesn’t make mistakes”. Don’t give yourself a hard time, love and be kind to yourself, take all the love and support you can get, you are not alone. As Forestgrey said “there is light at the end of the tunnel” there is also love and hope hang onto them.

God bless

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
July 26, 2011, 14:55

Hi Brunski

I’d like to also extend a warm welcome to you!

Thanks for posting your story. I agree with the comments above and wish to emphasise that you’re totally normal. The place of uncertainty you find yourself in, although difficult, is par for the course. In terms of struggling to reconcile your faith and sexuality, I’ve definitely been there as have many others here.

Anthony has talked about the stages of acceptance from denial to celebration. I’ll see if I can find it and post the link here.

My other advice is in line with what Mother Hen has said about taking your time to adjust and not expecting to resolve things in an instant. Finding the right supports is important for helping that process along. Have you thought of having counselling?

I look forward to hearing more from you.


Ann Maree

Joined in 2005
July 26, 2011, 20:42

Thanks guys, I didn’t expect so many replies. I agree with a lot of what has been suggested here, I will take my time and yes, I have good days and bad days. Today started off as a good day, then it went pear shaped for a while. I went to hospital to help some medical students and Doctors who are training to become specialist’s with their exams. Basically, they needed a person with a complicated and varied medical history like mine to study and test their skills in becoming specialist’s and or Doctors. Spent the whole day there, they asked a lot of questions, all of which I was happy to answer, but the initial examiners came in to get the ball rolling and God knows why or how, we somehow got on the subject of sexuality, I told them I was gay and it was downhill from there. It just reminded me that I am far from accepting my sexuality! Had to explain (actually, I didn’t, they gave me the opportunity to decline to answer and to leave when I wanted too) anyway, I ended up explaining how the whole stress of coming to terms with my sexuality has (in my opinion) had a detrimental affect on my epilepsy, as stress is a trigger for me and I seriously thought when they left that I may have a seizure. My heart was raising, I was freaking out & that made me realise that I am indeed far from truly accepting that I am gay.

They all said the right things, being gay is nothing to be ashamed, its not a choice, it doesn’t make me abnormal, immoral, perverted, sick … they suggested that perhaps, I should consider counselling, anyway … thanks for all the advice and the warm welcome 🙂 I know being here will be the beginning of healing for me. It may take longer I hope, it may be harder then I think, but I know that I will get there in the end with God’s help.

Joined in 2005
July 26, 2011, 20:50

Sorry, I just need to say that I really appreciate the support, this is only the first bunch of replies and to be totally honest, you guys have led me to tears! I am a bit of a “cry baby” :(( tend to take things to heart and I’m feeling the love already 🙂 thanks a lot guys.

I forgot who suggested I come to a meeting if I was in Syd yes, I am in Syd and I had hoped to come to a meeting, but not only am I a “cry baby” tend to be a bit of a “scaredy cat” when it comes to sitting in a group and sharing stuff, writing it all down here is not a problem, but sharing it out load is a whole different story. Anyway, I better quite before this turns into another “2000 word essay” 😉

God bless guys.

Mr Summit
Chapter Leader
Joined in 2010
July 26, 2011, 20:58

You don’t need to expose yourself at all by coming to a meeting. Feel free to just sit at the back and leave early. You can participate as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. I understand it can be scary though. 🙂

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