Sorry, just sharing a bit of the ‘wall-hitting” moment. Thank you … I will get down from my soapbox now.

Don’t be sorry, you’re not only among friends here but survivors of the very phenonemon you’re describing. We’ve all been there at some time or another.

That is, I’m not sure how much I have just ‘soaked in’ and how much have been explicitly indoctrinated with from he bible. I have more questions than answers. But anyone you speak to has some glib response that makes you feel ungodly and/ or a fool.

I’m not big on answers myself these days but I can certainly understand the struggle. It’s always a consideration as a Christian. How much you believe in “truth” and how much was merely passed on as truth. I guess, in the end, it comes down to what you believe at this very moment, right or wrong, passed down or word of God. What can you say, without doubt, is true for you? At least then you have some kind of a foundation on which to approach less straightforward matters.

On the subject of homosexuality in particular I have found its wise to take your time figuring out the answer. Homosexuality is not a judgement issue, the majority of conservatives will agree with me here. Don’t panic. Who says you have to decide these matters overnight? Or at all? It’s hard to see clearly when you’re drowning. Why not rest in the strength if God for a while?

How come we have to experience loss but heterosexual can stand side by side with their ‘mate’ and declare it, have celebrations, work together to build a life together. The rest of us stand on alone,thinking how Godly that pair must be. It is so different for me who just wants to commit, love, serve and care for our lovers.

For someone who reads a lot, I’m aweful at reading the bible often enough but your comment brought to mind that story about the “devoted” man who made a big show of his faith up in the front of the temple and gave away lots of money to the poor. Then you have the scruffy guy in the back, praying silently and giving so little. The narrator (was it a parable?) notes that Mr. Scruffy is more “Godly” than Mr. Devoted even though it doesnt look that way on the outside to other people. *shakes head* geez I just read that back and it sounded aweful, if someone could come up with the actual reference I might actually have a point in all the gibberish. 😆 😆

What I’m saying is, things aren’t always as they appear. Some of the most Godly people in the world were the ones who seem the most ungodly on the outside and those that seem godly aren’t always. Also, I feel compelled to note that heterosexuality isn’t a get out of jail free card in the morality stakes. They do struggle too, or so the rumour goes. 😆 I bet they are looking at you and thinking “Geez, Sparrow is so Godly, maybe I should have stayed single like her, then I wouldn’t be concerned about my divided loyalties, lack of time for God, or guilt over not contributing to the work of God financhially.”

IS this the cost of discipleship?

I don’t know, is it? That’s a question only you can answer for yourself.

Thank you Sandy – I appreciate you responding!!!

Anthony – the problem is me. My GF is completely comfortable in her skin. She finds it hard watching me struggle and not surprisingly, finds it hard to ‘trust’ me when I freak out so frequently. I don’t blame her. Last night I thought it was the end for her. But, she is being patient and giving me the space to work out what I believe. I couldn’t be more blessed by her kindness.

I just don’t know how to reach a point of clarity. I’m sorry my posts aren’t more cheery or encouraging. This is one of the only forums I can bounce ideas around without fear of judgement.

I envy those on this sight who are convinced one way or another. It’s the tossing back and forth which is the killer.

ciao for now 🙂

did you read this thread sparrow….http://www.freedom2b.org/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=3888 …we had this discussion at our Sydney freedom 2 b[e] meeting.

Your posts dont have to be cheery BTW…..honesty works well here. You may have notices this is a safe space…..if you can’t share freely here….where can you?

there you are….wondered where you had disappeared to. 😆 😆 😆

sparrow77, it is very difficult and very dangerous to try and make decisions in the middle of a storm.

as Sandy said, try and be still, be patient, and answers will come.

Perhaps it is also important to realise we dont have to have absolute answers for even most things/questions we have in life.

Not that you need to share what those questions are, but trust me when i say we have all asked a great many questions, and i for one, who use to be so stiff and needed answers for every damn thing, now realises life is not black and white, and i can rest well each day not knowing the answers to everything.

but when you relax, and live one day at a time, one hour at a time, answers come and if answers dont come, peace certainly can and does.

not sure if that makes sense to you right now …….