I have been struggling to come to terms with my sexual identity since I can remember. I am 45, divorced, have 3 children & have lived a lie all of my life. As a child I regularly attended church (not with my family, but with one of my friends & their family). This continued into my early teenage years. The time in which I began to question my sexual identity. Having been physically, verbally, psychologically & sexually abused at the age of 7, 16 & throughout 18 years of marriage, my faith, belief & trust in 'others', I feel, had never been developed. I grew up experiencing these occurrences as a 'normal' part of life. Upon being separated, I began to go to church again, albeit sporadically at first. This was nearly 7 years ago now. Over the past 7 years, I have used this time to try to heal from the trauma of the past. Through part of this healing process, I have read, in great depth, about Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity & other forms of spiritual faith. Trying desperately to find a spiritual path that would allow me to be me, to live my truth & to not be shunned, ridiculed or judged for who I truly am. I feel that no matter where I turn, any faith I felt I had a connection with, was short lived & ultimately brought me to another state of despair. I am feeling very much like a lost soul & that I will be 'on my own' for the rest of my life, especially without any true spiritual connection to a greater source. To live my truth, ultimately seems as though no matter where I turn, no one of any faith will accept the whole me. Individuals & groups of faith have had such an impact on me throughout my life. To not have a deep sense of connection with faith due to my sexual identity, past experiences & being divorced was part of what lead me to attempt suicide more than once prior to 7 years ago. My life has changed in many respects, including being a single mum, which has in a true sense kept me 'safe' as I could not imagine where my children would be without not one, but both parents not in their lives. It was beyond belief how difficult it was to 'come out' to my children. 2 of my children attend church & all the church activities, groups etc etc. I am afraid that this is going to have a major impact on my children & their 'acceptance' of who I am. I guess I crave acceptance, not only from spiritual faith, but also from my children & others. How is one supposed to live a life of faith & devotion when all is against homosexuality? I have begun again to read the bible & have so many conflicts going through my mind. I just don't know where to turn when it comes to talking about & living a life of faith, that is not condemned due to my sexual identity. I apologize if I am ranting or repeating myself. I am feeling very confused.
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