I think thats a question we’d all like answered……my sense is there have been changes.

wouldn’t that be wonderful

It hasn’t happened yet, Justin, it’ll be next week. (I’ve been projecting the date and stuff for weeks now, gah.) Well, I managed to somehow find notes for the lesson we were going to do and I think I might be able to handle it. Homosexuality is not the major focus, thank God, so while it will be brought up, it won’t be talked about too much. However, I can’t be too sure of how I will respond. I might surprise myself and be very resolute through the whole thing. But at the same time, I’m very aware that I have a lot of emotional wounds related to my orienation, so I’m afraid that something during the class could serve as a trigger and I’ll suddenly just break. I know this happened to me before, so it is a very rational thing. I’m trying to trust that God’s plans will be worked out, so I shouldn’t live in fear as I have been for a long time. I’ve been planning out several responses, most of them have been very unpleasant. So I’m trying to just stay calm and not get too preoccupied with the future.

And btw, I have been thinking about being sick on that day. In fact, I’m mildly sick right now, so this could work. I’m trying to keep my sickness under control and then totally stop being healthy next week in hopes that I miss the day the class is… however, I forgot to note, it’s not just one day. The lecture will take two days to watch. We will then spend two days researching and writing papers (the annoying part of this is I have to listen to everyone else’s comments as they talk with their group about their research). Then, we spend a day on the test and then do the next section. So it’s really a week. I’m kind of torn though, in that I don’t want to be there, but at the same time, I do want to get this issue of my sexuality resolved and I know nothing will get resolved if I avoid the issue. I don’t know what will happen… I just have to rely God for this one.

I can’t wait for life after high school so I can go to one of those Christian colleges. Honestly, yes… I complain so much about the downsides of going to a Christian college, and then I require myself to attend a Christian college. Oh the irony of my life plans. But I know what I’m doing. I’m not like those closet cases who go to Liberty University or whatever in hopes of getting de-gayed. Actually, the hope of meeting some of those closeted Christians at a college was something that I thought of after I made the decision to attend a Christian college that really inspired me even more to go there. I gotta represent for all my gay Christian brethren out there. 😛 So, yeah. Off-topic, I know. Heh. Back to me and my problems.

Honestly, I’ve been thinking of turning my research paper into a piece of satire in order to demonstrate how ridiculous the anti-gay position of mainstream Christianity is. Meh. We’ll see. It’s an idea.

Trust me, Justin, I have a radical activist side in me too that is familiar with many arguments that could cause more than a few moments of pondering by the opposition. The only problem is said radical activist side is next-door neighboors with my vulnerable sensitive side. In short, I’m usually too emotionally shattered to be able to get my points across. I’m going to have to work on that, aren’t I? Sigh. Now I know why the Bible talks so much about peace… you don’t realize how big of a deal it is until you feel like it’s slipping away.

Guys, this is it. This is the week where my class will start. I’m a little bit nervous, but at the same time, I’m hoping that maybe it’ll start something that can help get closer to the life that I really want. You’ve got to go through the valleys to get up onto the mountain so to speak. I know it’s just Sunday, but I feel like this week is already being very gay-themed. I don’t know how this is going to turn out. Please pray for me that God prevents me from doing something incredibly idiotic if the pain gets to be too much. I’m sure this is going to be an important week in my life. Hopefully, I don’t mess it up.