My grandmother is a very sweet loving lady. And I am really not sure what to do about this situation. I have told nearly everyone else in the family that needs to know and they have been loving and accepting which has been really great.

In any other type of situation I would tell her. But my grandmother has been very stressed out and in poor mental shape. Not like she has dementia but she just eats herself up over other issues that are happening in the family.

Basically her daughter, who is the “bad apple” of the family, gave up custody of her son. It was over easter break to make things worse. This was a couple of years ago. Anyhow my grandmothers daughter, the now current caregivers of her kid, my aunt and uncle to whom I just came out to, and my cousins sister, all live in the same mile long stretch in a very religious, old, and strict community.

It gets more complicated. My cousin who’s mother gave up custody of him is now a hardcore atheist. He is the type of atheist who hates jews, blacks, mexicans, and probably gays as well. He is one of the nasty types. And not all atheists are evil like my family thinks. So it is sad that he is the highlight stereotype atheist.

Well my cousins sister who is still living with her mother on the same mile long stretch between grandma and her brothers plus his caregivers, my aunt and uncle, bare with the family details, decided to change religion from Christianity to Muslim. My grandmother is a muslim hater and hates the fact that my cousin changed religions. Obviously there is no problem with that from me. Everyone else seems to have a problem with it.

So now I have this wonderful scenario where I am gay and my grandmother is the only soul who doesn’t know. I want to tell her but I don’t want her to have any more emotional stress than she already puts upon herself. My family tells me I shouldn’t tell my grandmother. And inside of me that doesn’t feel right to hold back. If I don’t tell her I will still have to deal with her pestering me about more great grandchildren, and a wife, and a family. And what if I have all of that on the side and can never tell her because I am gay? What a moral dilemma!!! If I don’t tell her I will have to lie to her for the rest of her life. And when she dies I will have to live with the fact that I never told her. If I get married she won’t be invited… Who will I invite? If I invite my uncle and aunt and everybody but my grandmother she is going to be suspicious why everyone is gone. Everyone will have to lie. Lying is bad!!! It is such a mess!!!

So I hope I get good feedback. This is by far the greatest forum I have ever been a part of. I have been a part of a lot. I like that there are a lot of older people here who have been through these things before and are coping much better. It has been a great place for support. But in this situation I have no idea where to turn!

I know what to expect from her she is really viscous when she wants to be. And it is really with her words more so than anything else. I wouldn’t really care if I told her and she didn’t love me or just as bad thought I was going to hell. Or thinks that I “chose the wrong” path. To me it is all the same. It is all different forms of non acceptance. I like all or nothing. But I would love to have an open relationship with her. I would like her to meet my boyfriend and to see what a good person he really is. I would like her to someday meet her adopted grandkids if she is still around at that time.

I almost feel as if I have to impress her. But I know that I have come to realize I don’t have to prove anything to her as well. So that is the toughest because this will be a disappointment for her. And if she is upset I get upset.

My family just wants to avoid it. They don’t want to talk about the details or what is right or wrong to do. They just sort of want to pray for me like this will magically disappear. This is why I get so upset with prayer because it closes off communication between me and my family. My uncle suggested that I send my grandma a hand written old school letter so she can take it in and pray about it. I feel like it would me more effective to talk about this issue instead of just magically pray about it. My mom the other morning kept asking me if I was ok like I have some sort of deep depression. I told her I was fine and she said rely on God to help you. I personally would rather rely on people. I hate having discussion closed off when someone says just pray about it. Prayer can be spiritual but it isn’t going to help me sort through all these moral dilemmas I will continually find myself in. I need people to rely on. Not prayer and religion. People are what is important and I think God agrees with me there.

Side rant anyhow. But I just hate how I have opened up and am being closed off again about this issue. I want to talk about it but most the time I get negative body language response. People don’t listen because it takes to much emotional energy to handle. I am very upset with the understanding of prayer!

I think I’d ask the question JayWoods…….do you feel the need to tell her for your own benefit or for hers.

Yes, sometimes openness isn’t always the best option.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

Hi Jason

You said:

I’ve found that freedom is not always about taking action or expressing something – it can be about knowing in yourself that you have the freedom and/or the ability to choose, as well.

That’s excellent and very well put!

You also said:

And whether you had chosen to tell your grandmother or not, I am so pleased for you that you were able to decide for yourself what is your best choice, and also know why you have made this choice. And now, you are free to move onto something else.

Yes there’s something about living consciously and owning our decisions that is freeing. Thanks for your thoughtful comments, Jason. And good for you, JaydWoods!

Blessings,

Ann Maree