Hi

Thanks for the support with my story that I posted this week. I've had another session with my counsellor. I'm feeling a strange combination of terror and peace.

Tonight I'm telling my wife the whole truth. No more lies. No more deception. I've written a 13 page letter explaining it all because I know that if I just blurt it all out I'll miss important stuff. Once she's digested it we can start the conversation about, "where to from here?"

I'm hoping it goes well. Not praying because to be honest, I've lost all faith in answered prayer after so many years of bad experiences. I don't want to give god another chance to fail me. My son died in my arms in spite of our entire church praying for 4 hours for him (he took critically ill right at the start of the church service), my best mate and my first ever true mate died the same year, again we pleaded with god to save him, and then there's the 25 years of begging god to take away these evil feelings I was having where I felt attracted to other men but they never went away. I think I've got a lot of work to do here when it comes to faith and prayer.

But for now, telling my wife is the next step. After that, the kids. I'm not thinking any further as yet which was some wise advice my counsellor gave me yesterday.

Again, thanks for the support.

JJ

Thanks Michelle,

She knows already that I've been struggling with my sexuality. We started talking about it last year after it came up when I was talking to a psychologist about the sexual abuse I experienced as a kid. But after I initially brought it up I lost my nerve and back tracked so it's been this awkward thing just sitting there that we haven't talked about.

She's emailed me her thoughts here and there and even said that if it's more than just a struggle, if I am gay, than she wants me to be happy, even if that means negotiating a new life where we are no longer married. So that's good, I know she's not going to lose the plot and kick me out. She's begun the grieving process already and has been able to express her anger and hurt to me, via email though because I've felt too ashamed to talk face to face since the first conversation months ago.

I've reached this point of actually talking after having a couple of sessions with Matt Glover. He's the first person who I've told about my struggles who hasn't responded with, "let's pray it out of you." I've even had people try to slay me in the spirit and exorcise me. To be heard, validated and told you're perfectly fine the way you are is so incredibly beautiful. I feel like a weight lifted off my shoulders.

I am trying to remain positive and not think about how others will react (extended family, friends etc). The most important thing right now is beginning some meaningful dialogue with my wife and then working out how we tell the kids. That really scares me, but I am trying not to spiral in to negative thinking about how they will hate me and never want to talk to me again.

I'm actually glad I'm on this journey now. I never thought I'd say that. I was confident I would take this to my grave with me.

Cheers,

JJ

Hi Michelle,

I have 3 boys, 14, 18 and 21 and a 12 year old daughter. The two older boys have often said they don't have a problem with anyone who is gay and my 18 year old's best friend is gay I'm pretty sure. The 14 and 12 year olds were at youth group last year where one of the elders addressed the issue of homosexuality (not sure why, my wife was there and said it was really bizarre and poorly handled). She was very unimpressed. It was all fire and brimstone and going to hell stuff unless they repent.

Good news is that both the kids in the car on the way home initiated a conversation about how they didn't agree and they both support the LGTBI community and marriage equality etc. They both were concerned that if there were kids in the audience who were struggling with their sexuality that they could have been really hurt. They're amazing kids really.

I guess the unknown here is how thy react to their dad telling them that he's lied to mum for over 25 years. I'd like to think that they all cope well but I really have no idea.

I have a really good relationship with both the older boys so that gives me hope. I feel more confident about the younger kids, but again, who knows?

I guess the only way through this is to go through it and hope for the best. The alternative is more years of depression and self-loathing and now not only living my own lie, but sharing it with my wife who is VERY uncomfortable with that. She wants the kids to know so that they understand why it is that mum and dad have never been really affectionate in front of them and why dad has been so depressed, especially over the last 18 months since I started to face it and spiralled down.

Anyway, thanks for the message Michelle. I'm finding it so helpful to have an outlet where I can talk about this.

Cheers,

JJ

Hi,

I want to encourage you, that based on what you said, I think your kids will be fine in the long run. There may, as you seem to fear, be some anger, but that is often a normal part of getting used to a new idea.

I'm sure Matt can give better advice on how to talk to them.

It is also perfectly normal to be unable to pray to God at times. I will pray and I'm sure others who read your story will too.

I believe that your life will get better now.

Take care,

Renee.