Ha i’ve thought long and hard about what to type on here for my story and even what to title it.

My story doesn’t begin like some others of always knowing they were gay, in fact i had never had any feelings of attraction to females at all or so i thought. I had people tell me they thought i was gay, but i just laughed it off. I joined the church when i was 15, now i am 31. I went to bible college and along with one or two others just stood out. I was as a youth, one of the rebellious ones, ones to not let your kids hang around.Then i met one of my friends, who helped me become the Christian i thought i should be. I got off the drugs, booze etc. I was very involved within the church (AOG) and was a head youth leader for a number of years, even when other leaders dropped off. It was decided after another leader and i had been doing the youth for a year nearly on our own, the pastor decided to bring in a married couple as youth pastors, as they were more suited.

I guess i didn’t take it well and or months i tried to ignore that they were there. I had several “talks” (or got yelled at lots by the pastor) about not respecting leadership. So after several months i decided to give it a go and let these pastors into my life. Anyway story cut short, the pastors wife hit on me when i was at a very vulnerable time in my life. One thing led to another and we began a relationship, physically it went for 9 mths, emotionally for over 6 years. I broke things off when she became pregnant with her second child, as i was heartbroken. She wanted to leave her husband but i couldn’t ruin her marriage. My life has been a living hell for the past 8 years as there was number of other stuff that happened within that relationship (way past the word count to tell you), for a number of years just feeling like i had lost me. Lost my identity. Friends tell me i am not gay and i was just taken advantage of. but to me it was just love, i’d do it again in a second

So i spent 5 years trying to figure out if i was gay or not…. in the end after much conflict within myself with what was “right” i gave up and now i just don’t feel anything. None of my family know what happened, and only a few close friends do. Funny thing was i always thought my friends would ditch me for even thinking i was gay, but it wasn’t that it was cos i now don’t wanna go to church…

I guess i did feel a bit sidelined…. however that was not what made me vulnerable at that point. I was dealing with past abuse and rape issues and i finally worked up enough courage to tell her, and she took that moment to be the one to kiss me and tell me i deserved much better and she would never hurt me.

I guess for me now i see people i think are completely hot (mostly women) yet i just have no interest in either males or females. I just chose not to feel, which is no way to live…. i’ve been living to make others happy. Last Dec when one of my closest mates died, i have just decided to be me, whether people like that or not….once i figure out who i am

I think what i struggle with most now is i’ve had years of being told that gay is wrong etc through church and bible college. That when i was in a relationship with my pastors wife, i was still very much in love with God. I guess previously i had subscribed to the churches view on gay relationships, but then having one my whole perspective changed.

So now i struggle with the stuff i have been told in the past such as you can’t have a relationship with god if you are gay…..which is really hard thing to grasp. I always thought if i chose to acknowledge i was gay it meant giving up on god, which was not a step i was sure i could do. But now i’m starting to see other options…..

nah i haven’t read your autobiography….. been trying to ignore things for too long, so just been in denial! I’ll look into it though….

I’m in melbs, if i get brave enough i may come one day….