My story is so similar to many that I’ve read that I’ll not bore you with the details. Suffice it to say that growing up in a loving, but very conservative pentecostal church (non-denominational, but similar to AOG), going to college and seminary and eventually being ordained and pastoring for over 20 years, being gay was a secret I tried to keep…well, secret.

I know the pain. I know the games and mental gymnastics we do to balance our faith and our sexuality. I went through the ex-gay thing, spent countless hours in prayer and/or therapy and have had enough anointing oil poured on me in deliverance attempts to supply a small nation.

Ten years ago, at the point of crisis and the end of my ability to hide (which really involved fending off all the rumors. “Oh, did you know that your pastor is one of ‘them’????) I blocked out the people, the voices, my family, my upbringing, even the cries of my own mind and heart and sat, totally vulnerable and open before God. It was there that the reality got through all the BS.

I had had a relationship with God almost all of my life, but had ignored it, failed to take advantage of it and even questioned its existence, yet, the relationship remained.

In the floatsam that was my life I began to find valuable tidbits. Successes, profound and positive effect on lives that my ministry had touched, even a very present and clear anointing from God, all the while being gay. Best of all, God already knew all about it. I didn’t have to rehearse my past or recount success of failure, I just had to begin to participate in this wonderful relationship. As I did, little by little, the questions were answered and the doubts disappeared, taking with them the guilt, shame, fear and pain that had so scarred my life in the past.

I’d love to tell you that it was all smooth sailing from there, but there were the normal bumps along the way. Rejection from those you’d most given yourself to, but also, acceptance by some you never expected! For every negative, there have been waves of postives. For every friend lost, there has been a deepening of the relationship with my lovely Lord. For every church-member who turned their back, two have stopped long enough to see what God was doing. For every time someone ‘just couldn’t believe it’ there were many, many more who realized that we are who we are by God’s boundless and amazing grace and that unconditional love doesn’t love in spite of real or perceived wrongs, rather, it loves without making those judgments.

Ten years into my new life, I have a deeper connection with God and with those around me than at anytime in the days of keeping secrets. No longer can anyone threaten me with ‘outing’, or blackmail me by threats and fear. I am no longer a victim and will never be again. As has been said so eloquently by many others, I have no need for deliverance because I’m not in bondage to who I am. I don’t need healing because my sexual orientation is not a cold or the flu, it is who I was created to be. I don’t need forgiveness for my sexuality, although there have been times when I’ve failed to live the life of integrity that I want to live, those are but failures of my flesh, not failures of who I am or of my faith!

In the end, this is my theme: God did a great job and it would be offensive not to live in the wonder of divine life ‘just as I am’, continuing to that place where, from before eternity past, I was purposed in Christ to be!

Wherever you are on your jouney of faith, God is there. Regardless of how people, clergy, friends or family may or may not have treated you, God is present and a constant help in your time of need.

Further, I am there too, as are the millions of others who have fought this good fight of faith and come out victorious on the other side. We walk together, men, women, straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, curious, questioning, and unsure, we are part of each other. Rather than waste time trying to figure out who is right, or who is wrong, let us leave those questions with one who knows the end from the beginning and spend our time productively loving and supporting each other!

That my friends is my story, my song, my desire.

In the end, this is my theme God did a great job and it would be offensive not to live in the wonder of divine life ‘just as I am’, continuing to that place where, from before eternity past, I was purposed in Christ to be! ( i love your theme Ken.)

Ken what you wrote was absolutely beautiful and very encouraging…..

I want to be all that God purposed for me to be ) Thankyou for reminding us all about that………….

Your right, He knew my life before I ever was, what I would do if went to the left and what would happen of i went to the right. Its so good to hear all the “positive” love scriptures, I dont ever recall reading anything negative out of Jesus’ mouth except toward the “religious” people of his day. The “church” for centuries has been brilliant at “tearing down and stepping on” i think it would be great if a revival came through where the church would ” build up and affirm” and stop trying to find everything that is wrong all the time.

Maybe as it was written to one of the churches in Revelation, too many have moved away from their first love “Jesus”, since if we are trully following and in love with Him, how can we not but be loving and gracious ourselves. You have certainly helped settle my mind down some more.

yes Ken……its such a simple thing isn’t it. …….and so difficult for us to comprehend………even though we preached it………we are loved unconditionally. It justdidn’t seen possible that included our same sex attraction….after all abomination is such a strong word.

For me…….I found that out first…..after 6 years in a spiritual void while i embraced the true me (the gay me)……..then some time later i looked at the bible verses with a more educated view.

Hey Marc…….thanks for popping in…….feel free to share yours with us as well…….its great that we are connecting with others……..we used to be so alone.

i remember thinking, when I first left the ministry that I must be the only pentecostal minister in the entire world who was gay………how funny is that. I’ve connected with so many…..but i’m sure there are those who are out there feeling that terrible feeling of shame and failure i did.

we need no longer be alone.

Like the old song says (I KNOW I’m dating myself here)’we are one in the Spirit, we are one in the Lord…’ and, we are one in our freedom 2 b[e]!

very cute ken……that brought back memories…..one of the original charismatic songs i believe.

Since my autobiography came out i am connecting with others who have been in the ministry and had to leave becuase they were gay or discovered like Ted Haggard and Paul Barnes. some that i connect with are very much still lost in hurt and anger and faith seems to have vanished like a mist…….others have come to resolution……the more of us who speak of our journey to reconcilation and peace the more it gives others hope.