I’ve never really pondered the impact of liking girls on my relationship with God. I always acted like God was one rung higher on the ladder form where I was. I also found out that chasing God got boring, which is what some churches took me through. But giving up on the shallow chasing and experiencing God was awesome. Even after feeling like I was more relaxed, and myself with God I knew he hated that I was so sexual and into girls. 

I never tried to get rid of my feelings to girls, I just knew I asked for forgiveness for them. I somehow knew I couldn’t get rid of them without really trying. So I guess that was good that I didn’t try. 

I’ve studied at a Bible College and enjoy theology and lots of God-stuff. I’ve never been too separate from Him. But now opening up about who I really am has made me feel so relaxed, I only now realize how up tight I felt. 

I feel so free. 

This has only happened in the last few months, and I’ve been married for 2 years. 

I have always had crushes on girls, and even wanted to kiss some (they didn’t). I’m very attracted to girls. But I’m also definitely bisexual. I enjoy my husband, even though I wish he were a girl mostly. I have just expressed to him my liking of girls and he was understanding. He’d always knew I liked them at least a bit. I’ve expressed I am happy with our marriage, and sexually enjoy him. But I am also feeling so disappointed that this has happened after I’ve been married and I feel like I’ll always wonder about girls, and have a feeling of missing out in my mind what I think I prefer. 

I don’t want to leave my husband, or create any marriage issues. I even feel so much better now I have at least expressed I feel like I’m missing out on part of who I am. I’ve thought that Christians especially may be aghast that I am treating my husband and marriage in this way. But I have felt it was what was best because I feel so much better now I am acknowledging I am attracted to women. 

I guess the other thing that plays on my mind is that I am only in my early 20’s and married, and both my husband and I knew we just got married too soon, and it was because of the whole Christian expectations and what we thought God would want. 

Thank you if you read this!

x

Hi Ann Maree,

Thanks, had to ponder what you said there!

Hi gunsandhorses

I’ve just rewritten my post and hope that’s a bit less confusing! I agree – it was a bit hard to follow. 🙂

Blessings,

Ann Maree

Hey gunsandhorses,

Really glad you posted! Its really good that not only have you been honest and open with yourself, but also to your hubby! When things are out in the open I believe they have less opportunity to fester and becomes even bigger issues. It seems you have come to some resolution that your attraction to other women is part of you and in this you have found some relief. I can so empathise with your situation that you and your hubby are thinking you got married to soon because of the expectations placed on you by the church! So many of us did that (straight or gay or bi or whatever!). What I see in your post is that you and your hubby are communicating and thats great!

I suppose none of us really know where life is going to take us. We might think we do and then “boom!!!” something happens or we see another track or direction or discovery , which then changes our original course. And that really can apply to any situation.

I think …. just as long you are enjoying the journey on the way to where you are going………as uncertain or challenging or at times difficult as that may be. One step at a time.

I posted my story on the forum 5 years ago now. Its called “my story..Linda finding her way” (its on the last page the very last post at the bottom!) I can tell you as a 43 year old woman now, I NEVER thought I would be where I am now. Difficult at times yes, but overall very blessed.

Its good that you are able to talk to people who will not judge and will not say you need to do this or that because this is your journey and you, and life and God will work it out whatever direction that may be.

Take care and know that you are not alone!

Linda x

Hey Ben,

Thanks. It does take courage. It feels so true to share just what we’re thinking and feeling with other people, as much as it is great to finally be honest with God.

“I totally hear you when you talk about when you stopped chasing God and just experienced Him. I used to think that if I could just be better, be more ‘normal’, be more holy, be more… then I would finally be ok in the eyes of God. What I didn’t realize then was that I was always loved and adored by God. The bible says as far as the east is from the west, that is how much God loves you. I believe that and I know completely that God loves me and God loves you in every strength and every weakness. God loves us no more if we are 100% heterosexual than if we were 100% homosexual.”

Perfectly said. I’ve had this revelation for a few years and it doesn’t get old or burn any less brighter in my heart how God loves us all.

My husband needs time to mull over things and hasn’t expressed anything much yet. He’s okay with the attraction, but he’s unsure what it means to us, and I have just been reassuring that I want to journey together and still love him. And that it has nothing to do with him sexually.

Funny story, I got the courage to tell him the entirety of my feelings last week after he was chatting up a gay guy without realizing, he was complimenting him and the guy was asked if he was taken, as we must’ve looked like friends not a couple that day. My husband was very complimented and happy that someone thought he was cute. So I took that positively.

I’m not too overwhelmed, thanks, I guess I’ve been, like many, thinking a lot to myself and not having enough space to open up to people.

I’m feeling relieved, a little worried, but increasingly excited, and back to puzzled as to what this means.