Hi Mother Hen

My partner and i am sending you a hug right now.

He really liked what you wrote.. What wonderful ideas and support you have given me.

I will remember all the good things in life and the love i have in my life, the next time i am not right in the head.

I like your idea about changing the channel psyically in our minds when there is an image we don't like.

I am so glad i found this website and forum.

God Bless

(By Peter Dauven – moved from discussion section)

Hi again

I would like to go into more detail on certain issues i brought up about my past and current state of mind Mainly depression and healing from sexual abuse.

I would also like advice, or if other people are brave to share there experience as well.

As I mentioned in my story i was molested by my stepfather in my early childhood development at age 5. He was also a violent man. Who actually went to church each week. Funny that. I remember jumping in the car with my brother and my mum and fleeing from him to our safe place, which was the library. He also disgustingly did a detestable thing to me playing with me for his own sexual selfish gratification.

I can only remember it happening once, i dread the thought that there were more instances. If there were i was too young to remember.

( he went to prison the same year, for molesting another kid) He became my first sexual encounter with a man. Something he had no right to do. My first sexual experience should of been with a man of my dreams.

Sometimes i feel that because the incident with him only happened once it shouldn't of affected me growing up and that i should get over it.

But for whatever reason it did affect me. My innocence was taken that day and he made me aware of sex at an age when i should of just been innocent like other kids.

The event itself was bad enough, but what is worse was years of feeling that i was disgusting and sick because the event was pleasurable. It wasn't till i got to year 8 that i read a leaflet saying that i shouldn't be ashamed for what he did to me and that the feelings i had were normal.

I didn't tell my mum until i was 18.

After he went to prison he was out of my life for good as my mum divorced him. I saw him once as a teenager for a brief moment. There was so much i wanted to say to him but i froze in fear and just said hi. I really wanted to let him have it. I even wanted to kill him.

My mum still see him because she is friends with his wife, who was our neighbour when i was 5.

I have been able to lead a normal life and over come the hurt but every year i still see the images. Only occasionally now though. My brother and sister had been abused physically by him. We all lead happy successful lives now but have psychological damage.

We have healed. Some times when i think about it i hate him, other times i don't and forgive him. Overall i am at a place where i feel brave enough to write a letter telling him what he did to me and my family. I have told God that i forgive him( you don't have to forgive, only forgive if you are ready. i think we have a right to our anger)

I am ready to let him know in a letter that i forgive him. If anyone is in the same boat who would like to post something and share, please do so, it may help you.

Second topic Depression.

I have suffered depression i believe since i was at primary school. When i was teenager I would pray that Jesus would take my depression away, just as much as he would take my gayness away.

I don't understand it really, i don't know if i was born with being prone to depression.

I don't understand why even when all my friends love me, my partner loves me, God loves me, that at times i hate my self so much i get depressed and get sick of being sad and then happy, and than sad that i get so bad i lose touch with reality and think about ending it. This happens once maybe twice a year where i am suicidal. I get normally depressed more frequently.

But overall i am a survivor and there are a lot of times i am happy. i do love life, and people know me as being a person who is nearly always smiling.

Peace and love to all.

Mother Hen

thankyou for writing this for me and also not as a PM, so to be able to help other people as well.

I had tears in my eyes reading this. Such lovely words of support and understanding. Your son must be lucky to have a mum like you. 🙂

I called my mum, and told her that i was going to write a letter to my abuser. In sharing with her my trauma again we were able to bring up something that needed to be talked about, and not be a taboo subject.

In the past i was angry with my mum and angry at her not accepting me as i am, but as i have become an adult i have learnt to forgive her ( i still get angry with her in my mind when i think of my past but this is normal)

and that my mum is just as much a victim as well. I had to remind my mum over the phone that although she married a violent man who was a child abuser, she wasn't to know this, yes she made bad decsions in life and didn't warn her children about stranger danger but she was just as much a victim. We both broke down over the phone. It was very good for both of us. I think there was some healing that night.

All of her children love her, and have become the best form of broken they can be, and Jesus loves her but there is not a day that goes by where she doesn't think about the past, she blocks it out because she said if she thought about it she would end up in an asylum. it breaks my heart that she struggles to allow herself to be forgiven and love herself fully.

I was very lucky to have a mum who believed me. When children mention being abused ( in their own vocabulary for their age) it should be taken seriously, not swept under the carpet to never be talked of again, or worser believe the child is making it up.

I think i will get counselling for the child abuse, and seek professional help about depression.

I can't offer any proper advice for people only share what i'm going through and what i do to cope.

At the moment i'm majorly depressed. For me it is important to let my partner know but not drain him with it. I think that is unhealthy for a relationship. When he tells a joke, i will laugh even if i have no laughter inside, i thank him for putting up with me and reassure him that i love him.

I think of major depression as not something to fight, repress or kick its ass. It is horrible to feel so sad and empty, and drained of energy and so sick of the pain that rears its head every year that you want to end the pain for ever.

What helps me through is to acknowledge it, allowing myself to be depressed, knowing that it will pass, enjoying life when depression goes (not taking it for granted) and understanding that unfortunately it will come back. Thats life.

I think i will go to counselling, my sister thinks so as well.

One day the dark mist will be lifted and the SON will shine through.

God bless.

Hi Ann Maree

thanks for your advice it is much appreciated.

I will have to look into if it is affordable at the moment. We r paying for a wedding and building a house 🙂

Thankyou 🙂

God Bless

Peter

Dear jamesn

thankyou for your kind words,

i am so glad that you appreciate my courage to tell my story,

i hope that my story will help people.

I need a lot of courage at the moment because I will be going to therapy soon for the first time in my life and i found enough courage to go to the police. 🙂

God bless 🙂