Hello

This is the second time I have logged on and started to tell my story. I hope I get further this time. I am not very good at talking about myself, but at the same time I really want to tell my story because I think it will help me work things out in my head and I really long to have more people to talk to who understand.

This seems to be such a lonely road!

I have felt for a long time that I think I would be more comfortable being with a woman but I have been in a complicated marriage for nearly 10 years. My husband suffers from some addictions which have caused many problems and heartbreak over the years. I finally found the courage to end the marriage as it was far too painful to continue and not a good environment for my two beautiful children to be raised in any longer. After quite some months he finally moved out and I was finally free and while it was daunting being on my own with my children I felt at last I could be me and focus on my own needs as well as those of my children,

During this time I met a girl through a single mums group and right away we connected and it soon developed to more than friendship. It was a lovely change to what I was used to but I realised that it was not the right relationship/person for me or my children,

I ended the relationship and then in a strange turn of events I decided to give my marriage a second go. My husband had sought help and had made a lot of changes and I thought perhaps we could have the family life I always wanted. Things seemed great for a couple of months but I soon realised my heart was not in the right place and we really do not bring the best out in each other. There is still a lot of hurt and pain from past experiences that is hard to let go of,

I am now in this strange limbo of being married but wishing I wasn't and while we both agree that we are better off as friends, to make any changes right now would be very upsetting to the children and financially, due to job changes, it's not really feasible, I am feeling quite lost and not knowing what to do, I feel so conflicted, I know in my heart what I want and where I would like to be but I don't know how to get there. I feel angry at myself for putting myself back here when I finally got out and could have made a new start for myself and my kids…

I am lucky I suppose, in that I was raised in a Christian family in the Uniting Church, so both my parents and my church are fairly liberal and accepting. I believe that God loves us all regardless and I do not believe that homosexuality is a sin. My family and some of my friends knew that I was in a relationship with a woman and most were very accepting but I do think a lot of people breathed a big sigh of relief when I got back with my husband and figured I just had a funny fling or some such thing. I have only revealed to one friend that I feel I would prefer being with a woman over a man and only a handful of people know that my marriage second time around is not working out and that we are only living as friends.

I am so grateful that I have found this site and that there are so many other people on here going through different but perhaps a little similar things.

I really wish to be able to trust my life more to God and not to make all these big decisions on my own and to learn how to be the person I believe God made me to be.

Thank you for listening to my story

Thank you Michelle for your kind words, I appreciate them a lot

Thank you Joy,

I think that is the hardest thing sometimes, not having people to share with and finding people who understand. I do have some wonderful friends who I'm sure will support me but I don't think they would understand all that I am feeling and how to make sense of things.

I have spent so many years not talking or sharing how things really are (especially at home) and pretending all is well when it has been far from well that this is new for me! Now I want to talk (need to) and I don't know who to talk to!

Thank you for being here and for listening 🙂

I think that is so true Joy and I really do think I lost myself for many years there especially while my children were very little and I was struggling a lot with all that was going on.

I hope I can begin to see more glimpses of myself and to discover or be free to acknowledge who I really am. I do think (hope) that God has more plans for me for the future and that I will be bold enough to embrace them.

Do you know if there are any (closed) groups, perhaps Facebook groups where people chat and can share things on a regular basis?

I feel like I need some more people in my circle who I can share things with who will understand so I'm not just bothering the same couple of people who know what I am going through…

Thank you

I'd really appreciate the company