45, Christian, Female........but I'm not sure about much else

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Joined in 2010
February 2, 2010, 20:23

I don’t know what I am really………don’t call me lesbian or bisexual just yet, I’m not comfortable with it. I’m on my own. I just want to be a person who can love another person, irrespective of their gender.

My christian journey began about 30 years ago (actually it doesn’t feel like that long ago). As a new christian my idealism knew no bounds – I was married at 18, a mother by 19. My own family aren’t christians but are very supportive and loving. They allowed me to make my own choices even though they had serious reservations about both the marriage and my new-found ‘religion’. I thought my marriage was safe and ‘wholesome’ (does anybody remember the magazine’ Above Rubies? Sorry for dredging that memory up!). We were the perfect family on the outside.

As time progressed and the rose-coloured glasses about church life began to fade, I began to openly challenge and question gender stereotypes and traditional pentecostal views. Often the arguments were with myself – my own narrow views that I had constructed as a new christian. Eventually my marriage disintegrated. I left my husband and we divorced about 10 years ago. Such freedom, but such a high price!! My kids hated me, my church didn’t understand me and I knew I had committed the unpardonable sin -you know, DIVORCE. I can’t say how many years it took to get over that guilt.

About 2 years ago a beautiful lesbian woman came into my life. You probably all know what happened next – I prayed, I cried and cried, I had counselling, and I finally learned to tell myself the truth, that this was love and it was too strong to ignore. I quietly began a relationship with her and once again upset my kids and my church. I have a few people around me that support me but none of them share my faith. And I found out that there IS something worse than divorce in the eyes of the church…..

My girlfriend had a whole lot of reasons to hate christianity, and after some beautiful times and some tragic, we broke up. I have lost a lot but found out 2 things. I have loved a woman more than I ever loved any man. And I still believe Jesus loves me!! So I’m in no-mans land at the moment. No church, no girlfriend and no interest in a relationship with men. But I have found out that at the darkest times I have one who cares and never gets sick of hearing me pray. I’m amazed to find that God still loves me. But even though I’m no longer in an ‘offensive’ relationship I won’t go back to church. I want to be free to be with who I want. Now if I could only find where I belong………

Joined in 2007
February 2, 2010, 20:51


Your story sounds similar in many ways to my own, but for the fact I went actively looking for a female partner after leaving my husband. But yes, I remember the magazine Above Rubies, and I remember being in that ‘picture perfect’ (on the outside) marriage.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. The one great thing we all share in common, no matter what labels we use or don’t use, is the fact that God loves us just the same despite our labels, beliefs or fears.

Joined in 2008
February 2, 2010, 21:19

Hi Luckysky,

Welcome to Freedom2b[e] and thanks for sharing your story. Here you can be free to just be yourself without any condemnation or judgement. Hope to hear more of your journey to find a place of belonging …

Joined in 2010
February 2, 2010, 21:36

thanks for that, Meg.

May I ask why you went looking for a woman? (sorry if that’s a bit forward) That’s the part of me I don’t understand. I don’t think it had ever occurred to me that that could be my path, I had always thought that only broken people were lesbians. That sounds so arrogant now, I know. A big part of why i left my church is that I was suddenly so horrified by the judgement and hostility I saw around me towards homosexuality. And through my ignorance i had played a part in that. I feel so uninformed, how can I remedy that?

Joined in 2007
February 2, 2010, 21:44

Hi LuckySky,

I am not offended by the question.

I guess because I’d always known, but did a lot of work at repressing the fact that I was same sex oriented. When I finally broke free, I wanted to put paid to the lies I had told myself, and everyone else, and finding a partner seemed the way to do that.

I didn’t find one immediately and I feel grateful for that, now. I went on a series of ‘dates’ with varying degrees of disaster.

It wasn’t until I stopped looking that love found me. So glad, now, that that is how it happened.

As far as feeling uninformed goes, please don’t think that I am any kind of expert. I’ve had a total of one same sex relationships in my life and am still in that same one and still ‘learning’ who I am. 🙂

Where is it that you feel that you lack knowledge or information?

These forums are a great place to ask questions and learn more about faith and sexuality. I’ve learned quite a lot since joining here a couple of years ago now.

Joined in 2010
February 2, 2010, 21:45

thanks, Mobileguy.

I’m so glad I found this forum. Some days are pretty hard to get through aren’t they. I feel caught between 2 opposing worlds, neither of which have any tolerance for the other. I can’t believe there are other people from the same place as me. I’ll be sticking close.

Joined in 2010
February 2, 2010, 21:47


Joined in 2007
February 2, 2010, 21:48

You’re welcome! I went back and added a little bit to my previous reply. I hope you didn’t miss it. 🙂

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
February 2, 2010, 21:54

Hi Luckysky

You wrote:

“…and I finally learned to tell myself the truth, that this was love and it was too strong to ignore”

I love this, the way you’ve expressed the journey of being who you are, as truth telling. Thank you for being so refreshing.

You are very welcome here. 🙂


Ann Maree

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
February 2, 2010, 21:55

Hey Luckysky…..great to have you here. I trust you feel safe…supported and that you can be yourself here.

I dont know if this is of any help…….but I’ve had lots of emails from women who read my autobiography and told me their story.

it went very similar to yours. Never identified as lesbian…..but fell in love with thier best friend or another lady then had a relationship…..some are still together years later. Its okay to live with the ambiguity if its okay for you. You dont have to take on a label… just have to be you.

BTW….if you dont mind telling… did you find us.

…..and….OMG…..haven’t heard about Above Rubies for decades….had completely forgotten about it. Obviously I didn’t read it……used to read the Evangel and Charisma.

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