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An older crush?

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JR
 
Joined in 2008
April 17, 2009, 19:55

So I was hanging out with a friend today who I strongly suspect is gay or bisexual (no ulterior motives I promise), and we were talking about various things like friends that have been hooking up lately, and he informed me in a matter of fact way that he is “probably more interested in women a few years older”… He being 20 years old right now.


I thought back to when I was 20 and remember that I too thought that I could manage being married to a woman, BUT, only if she was just a little bit older than me… such as 5-10 years…


And then I thought of another friend who is now gay but who very nearly married a woman 6 years older than him when he was 23! And then another friend who has recently separated from his (older by 3 years) wife and who I casually bumped into at a large gay event.


And so now I’m wondering if there’s some psychological/Freudian/”need to be taken care of” element to this. I mean, is this something reasonably common among young gay men, to have a minor crush on an older woman?


Looking back with some hindsight there’s no way I could have ever made the bisexual thing work (girls germs, etc) but at the time I thought it was totally do-able with an older woman!


Thoughts? I would ask my sister who is a psychologist but she would realise immediately that I did in fact have that crush on her friend that I have expressly denied having for 9 years…



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
April 19, 2009, 13:35

I’ve observed that is quite a common thing. Men who are gay or questioning can often form a romantic attachment to an older woman. Not sure the exact reasons for it though…..just observed it happens regularly.


Possibly something about safety.



Shane Cathcart
Event Coordinator
Joined in 2009
April 21, 2009, 11:50

Hi J,


I agree there could be something to it, I have an older female friend who I am close to, and before she got married, people suspected we were a couple. Perhaps gay guys feel they can confess issues to older women a bit more freely than they can to guys or girls their age, older straight women have been through things with guys that alot of younger gay guys are finding out about when they first start seeing people.



Sandy
 
Joined in 2007
April 21, 2009, 11:58

Thoughts? I would ask my sister who is a psychologist but she would realise immediately that I did in fact have that crush on her friend that I have expressly denied having for 9 years…


πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜† Gotta love sisters



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
April 23, 2009, 16:44

is it something to do with an Iodipus complex?…..he asks the psychologists amongst us.



Sandy
 
Joined in 2007
April 23, 2009, 19:22

is it something to do with an Iodipus complex?…..he asks the psychologists amongst us.


For those like myself who aren’t psychologists here is a general definition of the Oedipus complex that might be useful when theorising on this topic.


The Oedipus complex, in psychoanalytic theory, is a group of largely unconscious (dynamically repressed) ideas and feelings which centre around the desire to possess the parent of the opposite sex and eliminate the parent of the same sex. According to classical theory, the complex appears during the so-called ‘oedipal phase’ of libidinal and ego development; i.e. between the ages of three and five, though oedipal manifestations may be detected earlier.


The complex is named after the Greek mythical character Oedipus, who (albeit unknowingly) kills his father and marries his mother. According to Freud, the Oedipus complex is a universal phenomenon, built in phylogenetically, and is responsible for much unconscious guilt. Speaking of the mythical Oedipus, Freud put it in these terms:


β€œHis destiny moves us only because it might have been ours –- because the oracle laid the same curse upon us before our birth as upon him. It is the fate of all of us, perhaps, to direct our first sexual impulse towards our mother and our first hatred and our first murderous wish against our father. Our dreams convince us that this is so.”


Classical theory considers the successful resolution of the Oedipus complex to be developmentally desirable, the key to the development of gender roles and identity. Freud posited that boys and girls resolved the conflicts differently as a result of the male’s castration anxiety (caused by oedipal rivalry with the father) and the female’s penis envy. He also held that the unsuccessful resolution of the Oedipus complex could result in neurosis, paedophilia, and homosexuality.


Classical theory holds that ‘resolution’ of the Oedipus complex takes place through identification with the parent of the same sex and (partial) temporary renunciation of the parent of the opposite sex; the opposite-sex parent is then ‘re-discovered’ as the growing individual’s adult sexual object.


In classical theory, individuals who are fixated at the oedipal level are ‘mother-fixated’ or ‘father-fixated’, and reveal this by choosing sexual partners who are discernible surrogates for their parent(s).



Sandy
 
Joined in 2007
April 23, 2009, 19:27

Oh I should also point out, I didn’t write that, its from Wikipedia. πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜† Is it just me that finds it halarious?



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
April 23, 2009, 23:03

just some more psychobabel to give some academics justification for their existance…. πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†



iplantolive
 
Joined in 2008
April 24, 2009, 19:57

Classical theory considers the successful resolution of the Oedipus complex to be developmentally desirable, the key to the development of gender roles and identity. Freud posited that boys and girls resolved the conflicts differently as a result of the male’s castration anxiety (caused by oedipal rivalry with the father) and the female’s penis envy. He also held that the unsuccessful resolution of the Oedipus complex could result in neurosis, paedophilia, and homosexuality.


Wouldn’t this therefore contribute to the “competitive” nature that seems to be apparent in gay circles?



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
April 25, 2009, 10:38

Classical theory considers the successful resolution of the Oedipus complex to be developmentally desirable, the key to the development of gender roles and identity. Freud posited that boys and girls resolved the conflicts differently as a result of the male’s castration anxiety (caused by oedipal rivalry with the father) and the female’s penis envy. He also held that the unsuccessful resolution of the Oedipus complex could result in neurosis, paedophilia, and homosexuality.


Wouldn’t this therefore contribute to the “competitive” nature that seems to be apparent in gay circles?


please explain…..I dont get it 😳 πŸ˜₯


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