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Christian lesbian, 37, hetero marriage ... searching for answers

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myjourney316
 
Joined in 2010
May 21, 2010, 12:19 pm

confused … is just one word, of many many others, that describes me at this point in my life.


I am a lesbian. married 15 years with 3 beautiful children. I adore my family and from the outside looking in we have ‘the perfect family’. I feel I made all the ‘right’ choices in life, according to my faith and the environment I grew up in. I got married at the young age of 21, when I should have still been trying to figure out who I was. I knew then that I was gay but chose not to believe it. and believed that finding a man that loved me, in spite of my past, was the only way to go. and here is why, my faith, my family and my community taught me that being homosexual was a sin. I couldn’t live who I knew I was so I chose to masquerade as a “normal” woman. I know now what a hurtful choice that turned out to be, not only for me but for my husband and now the kids. I realize that getting married was NOT part of the cure (thanks AVB)


I have been trying to use my blog as a journal, and if you are interested the link is below.


http://thejourney316.wordpress.com/


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Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
May 21, 2010, 3:32 pm

Hi myjourney316


Welcome to f2b!


You tried your best to do what you thought was right according to what your community and faith were saying, and at the same time, suppressed who you truly were in the process. This is such a common experience… I’ve definitely shared this as have countless others so you’re not alone.


Thanks for sharing and I hope we hear more from you. I’m about to look at your blog link now.


Blessings,


Ann Maree


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Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
May 21, 2010, 3:59 pm

Hi again myjourney316


I’m so glad you found us. 🙂 Having read the first page of your blog, you sound like a lovely, ‘normal’ woman who’s just trying to reconcile her sexuality and faith with minimal hurt to others. Your husband sounds great too BTW.


As someone who’s come out the other side from these issues, I can say it’s a challenging process but I don’t regret any of my own journey. And being in a place of peace and freedom in these areas (as I am now) is a price worthy of paying. I promise – you’ll get there too and there are lots of us here to support you on your way.


We have some great stories, people and resources at f2b. Have you seen the dvd called ‘For the Bible Tells Me So’? I highly recommend this as a positive representation of LGBT and faith. It gives alternative interpretations of scriptures commonly used to ‘clobber’ gay people. I found it very comforting and normalising. What supports do you have? And have you heard back from Peggy?


I look forward to hearing from you.


Blessings,


Ann Maree


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myjourney316
 
Joined in 2010
May 22, 2010, 2:54 am

Hi Ann Maree,


thank you for responding. it is great to know that i am not alone. i was for so long. i have not spoken to Peggy yet but am sure i will be hearing from her soon. i sent the letter just a few days ago (via snail mail 😉 ) and she is in PA, USA and i am in CA, USA and that takes a few days.


as for my husband, he is truly amazing. the amount of unconditonal love and support and respect he shows me goes above and beyond what i could have asked. but that doesn’t diminish his hurt. do you know where he can find support?


there are two areas that i find myself getting hung-up on the most … one being the kids. they are still so young (8,9,11) i am not that person to rock their worlds as well. and two, the spiritual piece. i am not sure if what i am feeling is the deep deep impression that all my years of being a Christian or if it’s God’s spirit telling me that i can’t live it. so i wrestle with that A LOT. i know God loves me and i was made this way (for a reason) but that doesn’t mean i can live it, does it? the constant feuding within is paralyzing some days.


i must run to work now. i look forward to further dialog.


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Guest

May 22, 2010, 9:58 pm

I was married and had my first child at 19, so was young too.

I have and still am to a point, experiencing the difficulties of being Christian and lesbian. Sites like this are a great support. I am now 47 and have been divorced for about 10 years and I am in a better space now about my orientation now that I am living an almost totally authentic life, and as others have alluded to, it is a journey and different for everyone. Be blessed.


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Guest

May 22, 2010, 10:03 pm

P.S…I just read your latest blog entries. What an amazing husband..God is so gracious, and how very brave of you to share your heart in that way. Thank you 🙂


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Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
May 23, 2010, 1:07 pm

confused … is just one word, of many many others, that describes me at this point in my life.


I am a lesbian. married 15 years with 3 beautiful children. I adore my family and from the outside looking in we have ‘the perfect family’. I feel I made all the ‘right’ choices in life, according to my faith and the environment I grew up in. I got married at the young age of 21, when I should have still been trying to figure out who I was. I knew then that I was gay but chose not to believe it. and believed that finding a man that loved me, in spite of my past, was the only way to go. and here is why, my faith, my family and my community taught me that being homosexual was a sin. I couldn’t live who I knew I was so I chose to masquerade as a “normal” woman. I know now what a hurtful choice that turned out to be, not only for me but for my husband and now the kids. I realize that getting married was NOT part of the cure (thanks AVB)


I have been trying to use my blog as a journal, and if you are interested the link is below.


[url=http://thejourney316.wordpress.com/


]http://thejourney316.wordpress.com/


Welcome welcome welcome…..so glad to have you here. I trust that this site gives you lots of support and lets you know you are not alone on the journey.


I think one of the good things about posting our stories here is that we can see the progression also in peoples journeys…….some began here very confused…..but over the weeks months or years have found levels of resolution.


Each individual has different layers (eg culture and/or faith etc) and variables (eg finance, relationship with spouse, health etc), to work through. I’ve worked with lots of poeple who are gay or lesbian and in a heterosexual marriage……when sorting out what is the right thing to do right now…….children and their ages can be one of the variables we take into consideration. There probably is no perfect time to tell the kids of come out…..just probably a better time and manage and minimise harm.


you said “I made all the ‘right’ choices in life, according to my faith and the environment I grew up in”


this extract might be useful.


http://www.facebook.com/pages/GLB-Coaching/69395748049?v=app_2347471856#!/notes/glb-coaching/gay-married-what-to-do-faqs/72010016023


Mixed Orientation Marriage – What to do?


A mixed orientation marriage is where one partner is heterosexual and the other is same-sex-oriented (gay or lesbian) or bi-sexual.


The situation we find ourselves in was not one of intentional deception. (In some cultures, families and geographical areas this maybe different however, as it is a matter of survival). For most of us though, our marriages were the result of us conforming to a society, who at that time, believed homosexuality was crime, perversion and mental illness. We married thinking that it was the right thing to do and that it would help to change what we perceived was faulty within us. I know this was the case for me. I wanted to do the right thing. Having a wife and family was everyone’s goal. There are also a number of people whose same sex orientation did not become obvious or awakened till after they married. You, I, and 1000’s of others are the products of an uninformed society. We are at the fault line and our generation is the one caught in the transition.


Had the current knowledge on sexual orientation been available to us growing up, our choices would have been different. If we were born 40 years earlier we wouldn’t have ever considered coming out. If we were in this current generation we would have realized our sexual orientation is natural and normal and wouldn’t have married to help fix it or felt it necessary to conform.


Making a decision about what to do, being gay or lesbian in a heterosexual marriage, can be quite complex. It has many consequences that can include firstly our partner of course but also children, families, employment, business, friends, church, faith. The decisions we make will impact several or all of these.


Living with the internal conflict (dissonance) will eventually impact (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stress-symptoms/SR00008_D) us either psychologically (e.g. depression), emotionally (distancing and unable to have intimacy or strong friendships) or physically (stress related illnesses e.g. high blood pressure, insomnia, ulcers etc). We need to put strategies into place to manage the stress and resolve the dissonance.


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myjourney316
 
Joined in 2010
May 26, 2010, 6:21 am

Hi Tony! thank you for the links. this battle within me is constant. what am i suppose to do? how am i suppose to do it? when is the best time? …. are questions that i know have no direct answer. i am glad to have found this site. my journey will be long, but is one definitely worth taking. thank you for your support and thank you for this site.


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myjourney316
 
Joined in 2010
May 26, 2010, 6:39 am

thank you for reading. sharing my heart is something i do very easily but i’ve been stiffled for so long. but now that i am TRULY able to share it … what freedom!! i’m not totally ‘out’ but God has surrounded me with so much support since dealing with this. i, too, have a surname for my blog (and here) and most people on my facebook have no idea what i am going through.

i pray your journey is going well.


journeying with you on Freedom 2 b[e] …


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Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
May 26, 2010, 11:07 am

Hi myjourney


I’m glad you’re starting to feel a sense of freedom and support with sharing at f2b and beyond.


Keep us posted as to your journey onward.


Blessings,


Ann Maree


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Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
May 26, 2010, 11:34 pm

Hi Tony! thank you for the links. this battle within me is constant. what am i suppose to do? how am i suppose to do it? when is the best time? …. are questions that i know have no direct answer. i am glad to have found this site. my journey will be long, but is one definitely worth taking. thank you for your support and thank you for this site.


when I work with people in these situations we look at all the relevant variables….eg age….age of kids….health of the marriage and relationship….finance……many factors to weigh up and balance against each other.


the thing to work out is what is right for right now.


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myjourney316
 
Joined in 2010
May 27, 2010, 12:55 pm

does anyone think it’s possible to be ‘healed’? this is a point of tremendous confusion for me. how can two groups have such conflicting views?

i don’t believe i can ba ‘healed’. but in order to save my marriage do i try? because i don’t think it’s fair to my husband for me to stay if i can’t ever give him what he needs.


just what i’m struggling with today.


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HillsBen
Youth Coordinator
Joined in 2008
May 27, 2010, 2:30 pm

Hi there,


Just wanted to say a big welcome to freedom 2 b[e]. This community of people on here have given me tremendous support over the years and supported me in my rocky journey, just as we will be there for you.


Just in relation to your last comment, I do not believe people can be healed (ie. turn from gay to straight). There is no substantial evidence proving that conversion is possible. However, saying that I do believe that God CAN change people if he wanted to, but the fact is…there is nothing wrong about you to be changed. Jesus was a healer, a redeemer, a Saviour. There is nothing to heal in regards to homosexuality. Contrary to what you may have been told….you are NOT broken, you are NOT a mistake. You are made by God, for his purposes as an amazing woman…who just so happens to be a lesbian.


We are praying for you and believing for things to get easier and for God to light your path.


Ben 🙂


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Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
May 27, 2010, 9:13 pm

Hi myjourney


I wholeheartedly second what Ben has written. I also understand that you are trying to spare your husband any further grief… Sadly, this may be unavoidable but just because things are painful now doesn’t mean they always will be. And pain doesn’t signify that you are wrong for being who you are or in need of healing.


Blessings,


Ann Maree


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Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
May 28, 2010, 11:33 pm

I just had a thought.


‘ The bible tell us that Jesus heals the sick and has power over evil – and as my sexual orientation is actually neither a sickness or a demonic spirit, that’s why he didn’t bother changing my sexual orientation even though I begged, pleaded and believed a thousand times. . I would have preferred to have blonde hair instead of dark brown as it would have shown off my blue eyes. I didn’t bother praying about that though.


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Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
May 28, 2010, 11:39 pm

does anyone think it’s possible to be ‘healed’? this is a point of tremendous confusion for me. how can two groups have such conflicting views?

i don’t believe i can ba ‘healed’. but in order to save my marriage do i try? because i don’t think it’s fair to my husband for me to stay if i can’t ever give him what he needs.


just what i’m struggling with today.


I wonder…..have you read my”>http://alifeofunlearning.blogspot.com/2010/04/most-misunderstood-concept-in-ex-gay.html”>my article in situational heterosexuality.……that might give you some answers.


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myjourney316
 
Joined in 2010
May 29, 2010, 3:11 am

thank you Ben and Ann Maree! your words are very comforting. there isn’t a doubt that God made me this way and this was not a choice. one of my biggest struggles is whether my faith allows me to live it. maybe it’s just the process of me having to “unlearn” everything that has been embedded in my being. so now i’m just waiting on my God to supply me with an overwhelming peace that can only come from Him.


Ann Maree you wrote … “pain doesn’t signify that you are wrong for being who you are or in need of healing.” … very insightful, thank you!


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myjourney316
 
Joined in 2010
May 29, 2010, 3:14 am

AVB, you make me laugh … i haven’t prayed for green eyes and have wanted them all along to go with my brown hair -LOL!. love your point!

as for reading your article, haven’t but will right now. ty!


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Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
May 29, 2010, 7:21 am

Hi myjourney


You’re most welcome and I’m glad our comments have been of some help.


This journey you’re on is a bit of a process I’m afraid so the peace you’re waiting on may take longer than you expect. However, as avb often says, the resources available now are so much more than in the past. So you will probably move along more quickly than those who had to deal with these issues many moons ago without sites/supports such as this one.


Sending kind thoughts and energy your way,


Ann Maree


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myjourney316
 
Joined in 2010
June 4, 2010, 8:22 am

AVB,

i did, finally, get a chance to read your article. and let me say WOW, right on. but that being said, it has so thrown me into a tailspin. your article is not totally to blame for this. and please let me tell you that i know that there will be MANY MANY ups and downs in this process. the following part is the part i am speaking of …


As my daughter Hannah said recently in an interview on the ABC ‘If you are gay and get married hoping it will change you, then it is a very selfish act as you don’t know what hurt you will create in the generations to come.’


These are very tragic and unnecessary outcomes for all concerned.



The person living with the false hope that one day they will be straight,

The straight partner who is doing everything possible to create the ‘miracle’ and

The children who are anticipating a lifetime of security with a Dad and Mum that will live and love together till death parts them.



Whilst I’m grateful for the years of married life and the lovely children and grandchildren I’ve had, I also have to live with the knowledge that I have been the source of the greatest trauma, pain and shame in the lives of the people I cared most about. Could I have turned back the hands of time I would not have chosen that for them or myself.





OUCH! but at the same time VERY TRUE. i’ve never thought of myself as a selfish person. in fact, i consider myself very selfless and a doormat most days. to hear this was a hard truth and i find myself making excuses and you know what is at the top of the list … MY FAITH. my faith told me that i was wrong. that i could NOT live a gay lifestyle. for this i am mad. mad at the way Christians have portrayed a very loving God. i wish i knew the consequences i would be encountering because of my choice to get married. i am still very much struggling with the issue of whether it is a sin or not. something i probably should have done YEARS ago. and i hope to come to an answer to that question sooner rather than later. but now … i still find myself VERY MUCH CONCERNED about my kids. what is best for them? i made this mess for them how am i to clean it up so that they don’t suffer all that much?


i feel in limbo at the moment. i have emailed Peggy Campolo back and forth a couple times (she is very supportive) and now wait to speak with her and a friend of hers that has gone through this.


some days i just want to give up and this week has been filled with days like that. this week has really beaten me up. I find myself completely beginning to unravel. crumbling. done with this journey. wanting it to be all over. finished … BUT i press on.


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