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Dear Moms and Dads, | A Letter to Christian Parents of glbt

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canyonwalkerconnections
 
Joined in 2011
May 18, 2011, 09:01

this can be found at my blog and I will copy and paste here.

The original has all the graphics that make it look much cooler. A good read that has gotten over 1.5 K reads in 24 hours.

http://canyonwalkerconnections.com/2011/05/dear-moms-and-dads/


Dear Moms and Dads,

I am one of you. I am a parent; I have two adult children, Andrew, 25 and Sami, 24. This is a picture of us, on Mother’s Day. You and I well understand the depth of love a parent has for a child; it is unmatched in any other relationship. We parents all quote from the same “handbook” saying that we would give our lives for these, our offspring. Nothing holds more value than our children.

Some of you have been given children that are not quite what you pictured on their birth day. You are a parent to a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender (glbt) child. Some have accepted your children and take no issue with their orientation. For some of you, however, things are not going very well. There’s distance, frustration, anger, shame and even fear.

You are the ones I am addressing.

First, the disclaimers: no, I am not g, l, b or t; I am straight, always have been. Both of my children are straight. I am a devout Jesus follower, no weird beliefs, got the marked-up, written-all-over Bible, was saved twenty seven years ago, have gone to the same church for over twenty years, attend weekly Bible studies and live what would be considered an admirable “Christian lifestyle”. You might even like me; I am pretty normal.

Ten years ago, I was firmly planted in the can’t-be-gay-and-Christian camp. I had the answers, kept the rules, and could go toe-to-toe with most people on any verse. And then, events in my life knocked me off that know-it-all pedestal. Concurrently, God, the Great Orchestrator, placed Netto, an agnostic lesbian, on my hiking trail. Not many people used that trail regularly and we began hiking together.

It took an additional five years for God to crack my deposit box of assuredness open so I could even consider that I might possibly be wrong about sexual orientation as it relates to Christianity. All to say, I understand the arguments and opposition when dialoguing about faith and sexual orientation/gender identity. Believe me, I have held most of those opposing views as my own.

For over five years now, I have been advocating for understanding, acceptance and inclusion of glbt Christians within the church. I am vocal, I am visible and your kids find me. On Facebook, youtube, The Gay Christian Network and on my blog.

Several times each week, I receive communications from glbt youth whose parents reject them at some level due to their sexual orientation. Your kids are coming to me because they seeking a parent figure to listen to them, to encourage them, to love them and accept them. During the single greatest struggle of their early life, many of these youth are at risk of having the three things every person needs: love , acceptance and security, withdrawn from them in varying degrees by their own parents. All because of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

This is a typical scenario. Most glbt people know between 5 and 8 years old that they are “different”. Around puberty, they are realizing they are not reacting to the opposite sex as their friends do. Times have changed since you and I were teens and young adults. We could not have labeled that “feeling” in terms of sexual orientation differences. Youth now are more aware; and even in that, they may not come out to themselves for several years. Lots of praying, denying, bargaining with God will have taken place. By the time they tell you, their parents, they have looked at this issue from every angle.

Do you recall your own teen years? I sure do. It was tough for me to find hope in the future burdened by my own issues; I could not see my situation ever changing. Now, for your glbt youth, multiply that normal teenage angst and dread.

Sadly, to the degree that the family is involved in a faith community, typically greater will be the struggle of your glbt youth. Many of them will seek answers in a church youth group where they hope concerns can be openly discussed. The subject of sexuality will come up there. Most youth leaders will speak directly about homosexuality as something that must be fixed, changed. When at home, they surely hear more of the same. You may not have been overtly angry or hateful in your language, but please consider the message your child has “heard”. The disapproving body language, the mocking tones and words you utter as you watch TV, movies, see gay people in public. This is what your child has heard, what he has clearly heard . For years. All the while, they are trying to come to grips with their own orientation and terrified to lose the love and acceptance of their own families. This can be absolutely frightening.

When you first heard your child was gay, lesbian, bisexual or struggled with gender identity, many of you immediately went to your pastors, hey, maybe you are the pastor. You’ve visited or were directed to programs/websites like Exodus, Love Won Out or Love in Action. Read the words on those websites very carefully. Not one will claim they can change a person’s orientation. Not one. And if you do find one that you think offers the results you seek, be diligent in your research. Make sure you check to see if the results are peer reviewed and check the claims of the results.

Most of us know God as the perfect Father. Could you imagine that He would create His homosexual children and tell them all the most beautiful aspects of relationship are off limits to them? Thinking about love, sex and marriage in the life of your glbt child is going to stretch you. You will be challenged to consider all of these in the context of your interpretation of the Bible while holding in tension the reality of having a glbt child. This will no longer be a slam dunk, pre-processed answer. This is your child. It is time to really think these concepts through.

As a parent, you have been delegated to “train a child in the way he should go”. The Hebrew meaning here is “the way of him”. “him” small “h” “him”. The way your child was created to be. You don’t get to pick “the way of him”. God already did that for you. If God has given you a gay child and you are trying to make that child heterosexual, that is not “the way of him”. If you try to impose change on your child or reject who he is (yes, that is really what you are doing when you tell them to “not be gay”), there are some general , predictable consequences.

If you reject your glbt youth they:

• Are EIGHT times more apt to attempt suicide than those who are accepted

• May suffer depression SIX times more often than those who are accepted

• Are THREE times more likely to get involved in drug abuse than those glbt that are accepted

• May contract HIV and STD’s THREE times more than accepted glbt youth

Are you catching the key words here? “than those who are accepted” The unhealthy, risky behavior is a result of rejection. Mom and Dad, you are completely in control of that dynamic. If you withhold love, acceptance or security from you glbt youth because of their sexual orientation, you will, in all likelihood, be damning them to these statistics. I cannot imagine any parent knowing this and choosing to ignore it.

A point I must interject here. Homosexuality is not a sex act, no more than heterosexuality is a sex act. It is an orientation. I did not need to have sex to figure out I was attracted to boys. Think about your own past, did you need to have heterosexual sex to know you were heterosexual?

I want to relieve many of you parents of the guilt that has been laid at your feet by junk church/wholly discounted psychology. Absent fathers and overbearing mothers do not make a child gay. I am very sorry for the shame imposed on you by people who need to blame/assess/give answers. It’s a lie. No parent is ideal. Gay kids come from great parents and straight kids come from dysfunctional parents. So Mom, stop looking at Dad in his flaws and Dad, stop looking at Mom in her flaws. None of us parents did it all correctly. Stop blaming each other and don’t accept the burdens others try to lay on your family. About 5% of children will be glbt. You have a child in the 5%. Reject the shaming and get on with the process of healing.

Okay, now take some time and look at a picture of your child. Yeah, really, go get one.

Stare into that beautiful face, those eyes that you saw on day one, that heart that was bound to yours even before the first breath was taken. This is the child God gave you.

You may be swirling in confusion, but, can you start to love and accept your gay child from what you do know? You know you were given this child as a gift from God. You know God entrusted this creation to you, specifically. You know the essentials of healthy life are love, acceptance and security. Most of you, at the core, knew in their early life that this child was gay. This is not trivial. You cannot reject your son or daughter and then stand in judgment wondering why they are not making healthy choices.

And now, back to the statement all us Moms and Dads say, “I would die for my child”. How about we dial that back a bit? Would you be willing to die to yourself, to the possibility that you may be wrong in your ideology/theology for the sake of your child? Would you be willing to hold out to the Lord, your belief about what you think the Bible says about homosexuality?

If you are a person who only feels comfortable and operates in blacks and whites, always needing and having the answer, oh boy, you are in for a ride! The process will be a massive challenge to your ideology and theology.

With respect to faith, we all know that Christianity is a choice. Sexual orientation however is not a choice. If you force your glbt child to choose between the two, they may well make a choice that will impact their entire lives and their relationship with God. Most glbt people walk away from God because we tell them that sexual orientation and a relationship with God are not congruent. Remember, you are the ones making them choose. Not God. You. ( For a sobering revelation read “A Request to Those Who Have Used Romans 1 as Anti-Gay License” )

There are five sections of Scripture (two in the OT and three in the NT) that are comments on a form of same sex behavior. (I would encourage you to read VERSES) Simply put, all those sections appear in context of extremes: prostitution, rape and violence, abuse and sex within worship to idols. I hope none of you picture your child in any of those extreme situations when you consider his/her sexual orientation. Just as you would not consider any of your heterosexual children participating in such abusive forms of sexual relationships.

I believe God looks for malleable people, people who are willing to say, “Lord, I don’t have all the answers. I want to know You, Your heart, the depth of Your mercy and love. Teach me Your way.” I know how much I changed as a Christian when I was finally willing to doubt some of my strongly held ideology/theology. I had always been the right one, the one with the answers, the smart one. Meeting Netto on that trail ten years ago was the start of my questioning, the beginning of a transformation to grace. My view of God and of others has completely altered. All because I was willing to risk being wrong.

If you have a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender child, you have far more reason than did I to grapple with this issue. When you know the stakes are as high as they are with respect to the emotional and spiritual health of your child, are you not compelled to be sure you understand this issue both Biblically and psychologically?

Will you insist that you are right and risk pushing them from you and God? Please let God allow you to struggle with this to get His answer. Do you realize that this child, the very one that you see as a hardship, could be a gift to your family so that you might all better understand God’s mercy and love? Could it be that this very kid is your ticket to becoming more like Jesus? Yet, you may insist that they change (an impossibility) instead of letting God reshape you? The stakes in this are just too high to be lazy.

I offer you some practical steps:

• Talk with your child, actually LISTEN to him/her. Ask them when they knew there was something different about them. Really listen. Most parents tell me it breaks their heart that their child struggled for so long without confiding in them. I hurt when my children hurt. To think that I could have been absent in their deepest pain would upset me tremendously. Remember, they are scared of losing your love. They have heard every single anti-gay comment with clarity. Each poison dart pushed them further back into fear and dishonesty.

• Educate yourself. If there is an affirming church in your area, make some time to visit with a pastor to get insights and maybe even accompany your child to a service. The spirit in you will likely resonate with the spirit you find there. Here is a listing of welcoming churches. This seemingly simple action is powerful. When I first stood in a room with over 400 glbt Christians in worship, the Holy Spirit in me convicted me to the core that these indeed were my brothers and sisters in Christ. Be brave, go.

• Study the Bible for yourself. Use only a Bible, and a Concordance. Mandatory on the Concordance. Read all the verses around those in question. Get the context of the verses. Don’ t be lazy. Study it as if your child’s life depends on it, because, you know what? It does. Most versions of the Bible underwent a translation adjustment in the late 60’s and 70’s. The word that was then most often translated as “male prostitute” was changed to “homosexual”. I hope any sensible person would say the two are not the same. Why would this have happened? (If you want my insights, check out “Are You In or Out? I Corinthians and I Timothy”)

• Read anything I have written on my blog—you will gain insight from each post. I write from experience, relationships and always with my Bible. Engage me if you need help or need direction. I suggest lots of resources.

I am completely willing to listen to your kids when they come to me. I am honored to hear and share their fears and tears. I am humbled that God would let me mother kids beyond my own two. I have done this over and over in lieu of you doing it. I see broken young adults that struggle to gain the acceptance of their parents; they drag it into every relationship they have. Many do the work needed to get healthy, in spite of your rejection.

Just consider what I have written. Your kids need you and your love and your safety. Go beyond yourselves to ensure that you have God’s heart on this. Don’t lose these precious ones in your life, in your family, in the family of God. And, if you are the parent of a grown gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender child, it is not too late. They have been begging God for a healing of the rift and for full acceptance and unconditional love from their Mom and Dad. I listen to and read those stories daily as well.

I am in awe of Christian glbt people that find a way to God or remain in relationship with Him. We straight Christians seem to do all we can to destroy that bond or to ensure that it never happens. Some of the finest Christians I know are in the glbt community. I do not know any group that comprehends and exudes mercy and grace better, as a whole, than the glbt Christian community. Get to know them.

I am one of the most blessed people I know. I know my Mother fully loves me and it is a knowledge that affects me every day. More importantly, I am sure without doubt that God is crazy, nuts, wild about me. I cannot imagine living without either one of these assurances. Do not deny your child the opportunity of both of these blessings.

Please, please be humble enough to ask God to help you to love your gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender child the way He would love them. In the meantime, I do hope they find me. I want them see themselves as God sees them—wonderfully made and in His image. He desires to walk with Him; don’t stand in the way.

In His service,

Andrew and Sami’s Mom,

Roberta’s daughter,

Kathy



Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
May 18, 2011, 09:51

Wow,


It’s one thing to have us parents stand up for our own children, it’s another to have someone as wonderful as you to do so. As the parent of a Gay child people could say I am now accepting of LGBT people because of my child, they can’t use that argument with you. 🙂


I have written a letter to my mother about my son, it’s ready to go I’m just waiting for when I know the time is right which will be very soon. I know for sure her (their) reaction is not going to be good, from past experience I’m confident they will be putting the blame on me. I’m thinking I might just point them towards your blog, 😀 I couldn’t say it better myself. :bigsmile:


Well done and a huge thankyou.


May god bless you and your beautiful family.



canyonwalkerconnections
 
Joined in 2011
May 18, 2011, 10:03

thank you and it is true, people tend to be more keen to listen exactly because I am straight and have no gay children. I did not even have ONE glbt friend ten years ago. God uses THE most unlikely people!!!!!



grebo5454
 
Joined in 2010
May 18, 2011, 11:14

🙂 Wow again

What an amazing story. Go Girl and we need many more supportive people in the world like you.

Before my son told me he was gay 12 months ago, he knew what my reaction would be as I grew up with a girl who is a lesbian and he knew how accepting of her I was. My motto in life has always been “each to their own” as the world is made up of many, many different people. He is one of the lucky ones to have a family who loves and supports him unconditionally.

Blessings

Helen xx



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
May 18, 2011, 14:27

hey Canonwalker……great to have you here and thanks for your important contribution here and with all the work you do.


As we get over 4000 visits per month….many reading just to get info……I am sure that amongst those just reading will be Christian parents whose children have come out as gay and lesbian. Your piece here will give them some positive options they might not get from their church, pastor or Christian friends.


thinks have progressed amazingly haven’t they since we met in Phoenix in 2008…….or were you at the Ex-gay Survivors Conference in LA in 2007…….memory fading :bigsmile: ….must be my age :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile:


Love your work.



RaulG
 
Joined in 2010
May 19, 2011, 00:23

Querido Kathy,


You are truly a blessing and a wonderful sister in Christ. May the Lord bless you abundantly!


Yours in Christ,


Raul



sanguine_chick
Chapter Leader
Joined in 2009
May 21, 2011, 18:21

Dear Kathy, I just came across your letter and followed the link to your blog. Thank you so much for writing such an honest and insightful letter. I have just forwarded it to my mom. I came out to her just over three years ago and she ‘came out’ to one of her friends just a couple of months ago. We were at a family wedding when I was asked by one of the guests if I have a partner (my mom was next to me). My first instinct was ‘hmm, my mom is right behind me, I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable knowing how she hasn’t told anyone about me’ but i thought I have this unique opportunity to show her how to respond to such questions. So I responded with ‘yes I do, my partner Lesley is in Sydney right now working on HER PhD.’ The woman (who was about my mom’s age) responded with such openness and acceptance and shared that her nice is also with a woman and they have now moved to the UK (it turns out I actually know her nice, small world that it is!). In front of my mom (to recognise where she’s at with this), I told this woman that my mom still feels uncomfortable about it having come from a strong Christian background. She immediately embraced my mom and said ‘let it go and be happy for your daughter’…and continued to talk to my for the rest of the evening. My mom’s comment made me realise how else I can help her in her own journey. My mom said ‘yes it’s been hard especially when I have no one else to talk to who understands’. That’s when I realised how difficult it must have been for my mom not to have her own community of support. I had mine, I knew where to look. For a Christian mom, it’s a bigger struggle to find that community.


One week later she told me she came out to her friend. I’d like to think that my coming to that stranger helped her with her own process. That I am not embarrassed with who I am and that it’s easy enough to drop it in a conversation.


Her friend reacted positively to it. Her friend said ‘oh yes I saw Dr Phil’s show and he said….’….and that started their discussion…


This is definitely just the beginning of my mom’s journey but coming across your letter reminded me again that I need to keep forwarding her articles and put her in touch with people who can also help her in her journey.


Thanks Kathy, people like you are so important to this ongoing discussion. Thank you for taking the time to write this letter.


With much respect,

Hannah



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
May 21, 2011, 19:23

Hi Kathy


Thanks for being you and for sharing that wonderful letter. What a gift you are! 🙂 🙂 🙂


I really appreciate your ability to empathise and advocate so powerfully for those sons and daughters in our community, as well as their parents. My heart goes out to the parents who need much more support and education. The loving role that you and others are playing is vital. I’m sure you are literally saving lives, preventing needless mental and emotional torment and suicides while bringing healing and wholeness to families.


Many blessings to you,


Ann Maree



Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
May 21, 2011, 21:48

Hi Hannah,


The comment your mum made can be so true, my son,” Mr Summit”, had an idea of how we might feel when he told us he was gay and directed us to the web site of PFLAG. It was helpful to know our feelings were normal and other parents felt the same. I believe they do offer a service for parents to talk to if needed. This was also one of the reasons why I posted my story on this forum, to let other parents know they were not alone and that their feelings are normal and ok. For many parents they can’t turn to the support of the people they would normally turn for counsel so yes can often feel alone. 


This section of the forum is also a good place to direct your mum to where she can read others parents stories.


All the best. 🙂



canyonwalkerconnections
 
Joined in 2011
May 22, 2011, 00:21

thank you for the very kind comments. I have gotten massive mail on this and even a very good suggestion for “Dear Children” from glb and ESPECIALLY transgender parents. That should happen. Thanks again.


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