I’m just a guy from Brisbane, doing my best to find my way. This is my story.
My parents split when I was very young (2 I think). My mother is compassionate, loving, caring and the ultimate mum. My father was very successful professionally, fun loving, also amazingly caring, with very high expectations morally and academically (incidentally he is atheist). I spent the most part of my life trying to earn his acceptance and respect (and probably still do, despite being very close these days).
I had all the normal frustrations of being a gay teen. Not knowing where I fit, wondering how the whole gay thing was going to work out. Wondering how to deal with bullies, or anyone for that matter. Wondering how to be close to friends but keep a safe distance. Everything was hard work, but I especially did my best to avoid questions about sexuality. I dated women which helped, but eventually they wanted to be intimate and I couldn’t pretend to feel something I didn’t. I ‘experimented’ with my male friends, but that led to an overwhelming sense of shame and guilt.
After high school, and after emotionally manipulating my high school friends to a point that was almost unforgivable, I found myself very lonely, confused and depressed.
A classmate from high school randomly invited me to church, Citipointe – Brisbane’s largest Pentecostal Church where I would be for the next 3 years. Similar to most stories, it was a place of love, acceptance and a strive for the good life in Jesus. Filled to the brim with morals and ethics, where talking about sexuality was probably inappropriate. Perfect.
I drove bus loads of uni students to Church on a Sunday night, volunteered two days a week at the Church as a young adults leader, became a hotel chaplain for Schoolies week on the Gold Coast and did my best to feel like a valued contributor. I probably was, although there always felt like there was this undercurrent of ‘he’s probably gay’. I lived with a bunch of Christian guys, who were all individually amazing people. Some of which I still speak with. All with their own demons they were dealing with.
On the surface, I had everything under control. I would readily give advice for people who were broken and suffering without being able to acknowledge my own brokenness and suffering. I prayed for a ‘cure’ and all that as well. I did stop eventually, mostly because I got bored with no response or change.
When I took my first job as a Payroll Manager at a post production company, I was faced with an unforgiving Australian workforce who were adamant to call a spade a spade. I made friends with people who were keen to tell me how they felt about God, The Church, and about me. I found this very confronting and difficult to manage, but upon reflection, it was the wake up call I needed. It was the ‘you’re not fooling anyone’ moment. One of my friends from work (a lesbian) moved to Melbourne to be in the arts scene. I was incredibly jealous of her bold move and thought I needed that same breakthrough in my life. Knowing that it wasn’t ok to come out, I started to plan my exit strategy from the Church.
I moved to a smaller Church in West End which had a quirky congregation. That sort of back fired with the whole ‘smaller church, more visible’ thing. So I stopped going all together but was chased by my many Christian friends (and to be fair, my only friends). At the time I was living with my best friend in an inner-city pad. He comes from a very Christian family and was quite strict in his beliefs and made this clear many times. Again, upon reflection this made things very difficult and even more lonely for me. I couldn’t possibly speak to him about my “demons”. To make things worse, I had some very strong feelings for him, which were never allowed to be discussed. Not with him, not with anyone.
I ran away to Melbourne for a long weekend and to visit my friend who had moved there. She got me drunk and we started talking about my sexuality where I confessed to being at least bi-sexual. She seemed satisfied with the progress she had made with me and over the weekend we spoke at great length about it. I had never felt so free in my life. Someone finally knew. Someone finally spoke to me about it from a place of love and caring and I was finally safe to enter into a conversation with them about it (God bless a glass of wine ay). When I left Melbourne that weekend, I remember being on the verge of crying at the airport thinking about how I had to put that freedom back into a box the second I touched down in Brisbane again.
I was made redundant from my role at the post production house about 8 weeks after that weekend and knew I had to return to Melbourne where I could finally give into the craving of freedom I had carried for so long. I called my friend who I had just visited and told her I was on my way. I packed the car and within two days was leaving my best friend, my entire support network, my upbringing, my life, my family and that inner-city pad for Melbourne. I had decided it was time to be me. From the moment I arrived I was no longer going to be anything but true to myself. Anyone that visited from Brisbane I came out to. Even my parents (who coincidentally came on the same weekend , that was one stressful time let me assure you). Telling people was hard at first. Especially my best friend in Brisbane who told me I “would never find anyone like me in the gay community”. I guess he was wrong. Eventually I enjoyed telling people and I kinda got addicted to it. I would always predict their response and was often proven very wrong.
I made lots of friends in Melbourne. I lived with my lesbian friend for over a year and we became a great team. These days we are the absolute closest of friends. My career took off in Melbourne and everything seemed to be working out great!
I since got a promotion and moved to Sydney with work. I continue my spiritual journey with a keen interest in all religions and ways of life. I have some amazing friends, albeit mostly in Brisbane and Melbourne. I have a compassionate and protective family who I now appreciate more than ever and learn to love more and more every day. I have a very blessed life and am very grateful for where everything is heading.
I’m really just a guy from Brisbane, doing my best to find my way. This story is really only just getting started.
Be bold, love life and most importantly, give yourself a break (forgive yourself if you can). It’s really worth it.
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