Yes, I agree with you that we are not the sum of the choices we make but in a manner those choices do define who we are. I hope to find a spot where I am confident that acknowledging my sexuality was a positive decision to make. In time. At the moment it is like swimming in an ocean…’drowning not waving’. LOL

You have typed how you think your father was brave… I suggest that you should show him this posting!! 😉

I for one can empathize with such feelings, wondering whether or not acknowledging your orientation is a good thing. I grew up (and still am) in a conservative Christian home. Being gay is bad. Very, very bad. So as a young kid (not too long ago) I knew I was attracted to guys. I knew it in my head. But I didn’t want to think I was gay. It’s the whole coming out to yourself thing.

An anology would be like this. Imagine you work in an orchard where every crate is full of apples. Then one day, you find a crate full of oranges. You say to yourself, this isn’t full of oranges. This is an apple orchard, there can’t possibly be oranges here. That’s just wrong. And so you take it upon yourself to explain how the oranges are, in fact, not there – they are, rather, a figment of your imagination. Or perhaps, it is actually a crate of apples after all. It is a crate of apples that simply, on occasion, can make itself appear to look like a crate of oranges. Deep down, they are really apples, you are sure of it. Very orange and round apples, but apples nonetheless. You think all these things despite the fact that said ‘imaginary’ oranges are currently staring you right in the face. It takes you a long time to accept, but over time, you finally stop your wild imagining and slowly, very slowly accept the idea that maybe there is a crate full of oranges at the apple orchard. Maybe. Your certainty grows – certainity? No, not certainty. You knew the facts the whole time. It’s only know that you recognize them for what they are. You begin to recognize that the crate of oranges is in fact, a crate of oranges. There is a crate of oranges at the apple orchard. Not a wild imagination or a crate of apples with obscure mystical properties. It is, in fact, a true blue, honest-to-goodness crate of oranges. Recognizing the truth with no denial, excuses, or explanations. That is what it means to come out to yourself.

We wonder if that is the right decision. Kind of an odd question. I can look in the mirror and see I have black hair. I don’t have to wonder, am I making the right decision by describing myself as a black haired person? No, I would not wonder whether or not that is a good decision to make. I know I am black haired, therefore, I should describe myself as a black haired person. Equally, I know that to describe myself as something else, say a blonde haired person, would be lying. So if we think that, why do we sudenly have a problem when it comes to our orientation? The answer is shame. We have heard the stories. Gays are presented to us over and over again as immoral, horrible people. We don’t want to be immoral, horrible people. We also don’t want to be rejected. Unfortunately, much of society has believed the horrible lie that sexual orientation is tied to morality. It’s not. Not in any way, size, shape, or form. You can be a gay saint or a straight sinner. Unfortunately, many people, including those who are gay themselves and struggling to accept themselves, have failed to understand that fact.

I could go on and on, but I don’t want to write too much. Just know that you are not alone in feeling as you do and you are not the only one who has walked down this path. Again, we are here to encourage you. Much love. 🙂

It takes you a long time to accept, but over time, you finally stop your wild imagining and slowly, very slowly accept the idea……

The apple orchard analogy written by gettingthere is very apt AND humourous. You feel like saying “Can’t you see that are they not bloody apples! Accept the truth” But..we know it is not that simple. I find it very difficult to get people to understand that I repressed my thoughts & emotions. Sheesh… I find it difficult to rationalise it to myself now that the lid is off! 🙄

Not sure why it takes so long…. for me 20+ years! Silly me 😆

Actually, I do know why. As gettingthere wrote… fear of rejection. Not wanting to be ‘different’. Also, in my case, not identifying with any ‘gay’ people. I grew up in rural Victoria and did not know one gay person. My world was totally heterosexual and all I knew was stereotypes. Back in the 80s these stereotypes were not at all positive. “The Grim Reaper” springs to mind. See this youtube clip: –

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=U219eUIZ7Qo

But despite all these societal and family pressures not to accept who I was, in the end I had to embrace the reality. The alternative was not liking who I was.

Recognizing the truth with no denial, excuses, or explanations.

A Succinct idea!!. I will write this down…. to help me survive the storm.

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and reflections. “Gettingthere” I can tell that you are a thoughtful and good person!

that analogy of the box of oranges in an apple orchard…..do you come up with that gettingthere

Sheeesh, this makes me sound like an inhibited middle aged recluse!

If it makes you feel any better my dad was well over 50 by the time he came out! 😆 😆

really good description Sandy…..i ignored the spelling mistake

Oh shut up would you?! 😆 😆 😆

I can’t spell, I’ve never been able too. I read and read and read and you would think I could spell but I can’t. I spelled “does”, “dose” up until my HSC when my english teacher told me she would go through all the papers until she found the one that was spelt in this way and take a mark off for every time I did it. 😆 😆 😆 For someone who ended up getting 97.8 in the HSC this was very serious and I had absolutly no sense of humour about it.