I don’t really know where to begin with this. I found this group after talking to my best friend about my sexuality, and my struggles with it, and she suggested I look on line for some support.

I’m a 28 year old still-legally-married mother of two amazing people, and have been struggling with many aspects of who I am, and how that conflicts with the way I was raised.

My parents are quite liberal Christians, but have become more conservative with age. My father is now a minister of an independant Anglican church. Throughout my Christian life I attended a variety of churches from traditional presbyterian to pentecostal AOG. This understandably left me with lots of confusion and doubt that only grew as I got older and logic set in.

From I think early puberty or a bit before I remember feeling attracted to girls in the same way I felt attracted to boys. I never wanted to admit this to myself, but it was unmistakeable and I went to great lengths to hide these feelings or explain them away to myself as admiration or friendship. I think I first started to admit my ‘tendencies’ to myself at 16 when one of my friends started sleeping with her boyfriend. The thought of her beauty, and her in bed with her boyfriend, really upset me and made me quite hurt and angry. I slowly distanced from her and started hanging out with other people I wasn’t attracted to.

I then met the father of my children at 19 and fell pregnant not long after. In my family, we didn’t date or have relationships with boys, that was off the cards. We were expected to wait until God brought along a husband for us.

When I fell pregnant it was a big shock to my parents; I had been homeschooled for most of primary school, attended four years of high school then left home to go to Uni. I’d studied for a year, gone on mission trips, (during which time my mother hoped I would meet a Godly husband) and then studied for six more months.

In all that time I’d never had a boyfriend, or any boy contact outside the church groups I attended. I was deeply depressed and confused, and felt completely detached from myself to the point of feeling outside my body watching myself interact with people. Relationships were terrifying to me, and any relationship with a girl was very confusing as I often felt myself attracted to them in uncomfortable ways. So falling pregnant, and the resulting ‘shotgun wedding’ (both our fathers were elders at a local church) was a relief as I felt all that boyfriend stuff was out of the way, and I could now settle down into my God ordained role of wife and mother.

Unfortunately my new husband had serious mental health issues that he self medicated with drugs and alcohol. He tried, but we really didnt have a chance. In a rural area there is very little support for that, and in a small town people are very unlikely to seek help, as even with official privacy laws people inevitably find out things like that, and gossip like mad about it. Our relationship disintegrated into violence and abuse, with myself and the kids at the receiving end.

After five years I’d had enough, secretly got counselling to help me leave, and left. I left much stronger than I had been, and much more cynical about the things I had accepted as truth previously. I also left with the belief that my husband was deeply conflicted about his own sexuality, and I feel sad for him as he is unlikely to ever resolve this due to his background.

After two years I started dating someone who was much more open minded. He helped me work through my sexuality and was very accepting of who I was in many ways. He even encouraged me to start dating women, but with the proviso that he be allowed to ‘join in’ or ‘watch’ and I wasn’t really comfortable with this. As the relationship progressed, and after I allowed him to move in with us, he gradually became more controlling and dominating, and it became clear he just wasn’t coping with the demands of my children. He had a very unstable family life and just did not feel safe in a family environment; to him it was a scary, unstable place where he experienced rejection and hurt, and he transferred these associations on to us.

So about two months ago I left, and have my own place with my kids. I have over the last month come out to several of my closest friends about my sexuality. I still find this very hard; most of my friends are straight and I worry they will see me differently. Fortunately my best mate is openly bi, and she has helped me a lot.

I have also decided the spiritual path I feel most comfortable in is the wiccan side of things. I don’t know how much you all know about that, but my belief is that I relate to the Divine (whom I still feel close to, pray to and listen to) as a female presence. Many times the Bible talks of the feminine aspects of God, and it is this side I feel closest to. I relate to God through this female ‘theme’ and through spending time in the natural world. I believe God is very much present in Nature and in women, and at this time find wicca to be more accepting of my spirituality than most Christian churches.

I still have trouble with the thought that, according to the church and my parents, I would be classed a witch. And a bisexual witch? Phew, I’m definitely on the path to hell! I’ve discussed homosexuality with my mother, and her opinion is that homosexual people (for girls) become gay because of abuse, and boys become gay through not having a strong male role model. I kind of didn’t know where to start with these opinions, so I gave up that conversation.

She totally rejects the idea that people are born gay or straight; God clearly intends everyone to be straight, and then Devil has totally messed it up for us. She is very accepting of gay people, but feels sorry for them, as she believes the devil has ruined their lives and altered who God made them to be. And when I brought up the suggestion that I might be deciding not to be a Christian, she said she felt very sad about that, and felt I would be making the wrong choice. She then went on to say that she felt God would lead me through a lot of suffering if I chose not to be a Christian, until I came back to him.

I haven’t dared broach any of these topics with my father. He is very intellectual, and has lots of biblical references to back up any of his opinions. He is a very loving, but very black and white person, and although he doesn’t get nasty in arguments, any disagreement with him on theology or morals leads to a very long, drawn out and often heated discussion based on lots of absolutes, and he doesn’t give up until he ‘wins.’ I feel tired just thinking about it!

I also have three sisters who are all involved with churches, with varying degrees of open mindedness. I have told the most tolerant that I am Wiccan, but not my sexuality. She is ok with that, and I may eventually come out to her. I don’t think I could ever tell the rest of the family. I also worry about my kids, how they would react if I found a girlfriend, and my ex-husband and his family. He is very homophobic, and they are all quite conservative. I worry they would not like me ‘being lesbian’ around the kids; so far our relationship has been improving over the past years and I hate the thought of ruining that.

Pretty much it seems that every way I turn is more guilt, and more secrets and hiding who I am. I have never even kissed another woman, or admitted a relationship. I’m terrified to talk to other bi or gay girls about anything. I’m terrified I may meet someone, and start a relationship. I’m terrified I actually might be lesbian. I worry about what the expectations from another woman would be; I don’t know what to do anywhere, or what to do.

I would really actually like to be with someone, have a normal, slow, loving relationship…I have always wondered whether I would feel better with a woman than a man. I’m hoping in coming here that I can find people who have done this, and come out the other side….please tell me there is another side, right now it all just looks tangled up and horrible.

Hi seejaneburn

Welcome to f2b! I echo Pierre’s words and sentiment. As he says, there are many encouraging stories here from those just like yourself..

At the start of the journey, things can seem like a massive ball of tangled string, and it’s hard and scary to know where to start in unravelling that. But from experience, confusion and angst do slowly give way to peace and joy. It’s the kind of happiness that comes from being true to oneself and supported by a loving community.

And this is a safe and supportive community without any agenda.. That means you can explore your spirituality and sexuality without judgment or expectation that you follow particular beliefs or practices.

With your church upbringing, it’s very understandable you would have thought marriage would be the right thing. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time. I can so relate to that. And like you, I’m rather partial to honouring the sacred feminine.. That’s such a beautiful part of the divine representation that’s been lost throughout the ages.

So thanks for sharing your story. I hope you will enjoy being at f2b and I look forward to hearing more from you.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

Hi seejaneburn,

I’m a mother of a gay son, and I just wanted to offer you my support as well. Telling your story like you have done is an incredible brave thing. Maybe it’s the first time you have voiced all this to anyone, if so it’s a huge step which I know will help bring you closer to a better understanding of yourself.

F2B is a great group and their forum is a wealth of information, just reading the stories and finding some common ground with people on this forum, I know will help you.

Can I also encourage you to be true to yourself, doesn’t mean you have to tell other’s about yourself yet, it seems to me after reading what you have written you are trying to live the life you are expected to live, the life your parents wanted you to live, you have tried to live up to those expectations and that hasn’t made you happy at all and in fact I think have added to your confusion. Forget other people’s expectations and focus on yourself, there is confusion at the moment, but I know if you push aside other’s people’s exceptions of you and look deep within yourself you will find the real you, and whoever that is, is OK.

Be true to yourself, F2B is a place of love and support, and they have created a place of safety and warmth on this forum, It is a great resource.

All the best.

Thanks Ann Maree I’m still learning all the correct way to put things but I’m learning. 🙂 You have put it very well.

I agree if someone knows and is confident in who they are, they are in a much better position to be able to articulate that to other people when they are ready and if they choose too. The most important person is seejaneburn and what she feels is best for her and for her to take all the time she needs.

God Bless

Thanks Ann Maree I’m still learning all the correct way to put things but I’m learning. 🙂 You have put it very well.

I agree if someone knows and is confident in who they are, they are in a much better position to be able to articulate that to other people when they are ready and if they choose too. The most important person is seejaneburn and what she feels is best for her and for her to take all the time she needs.

God Bless

we are all on the learning journey….both gay and straight……its wonderful to support each other in this process