Hey everyone, thanks for all the great advice, and I agree. I sent him an email this morning already though :-/ so if he gives me his views and questions and I answer them and he still won't budge, I will then cut the conversation off.

What I sent to the churches found below in the quotation marks, gave various links and my own personal story. I would like to have hoped it was enough, but I suppose some people are already set in their ways and not open to other views. I am disappointed that after almost two days only 1 person has responded, and it has been negative, but I cannot change minds. It's like what Morpheus says in The Matrix – which is appropriate here. "I can only show you the door, you're the one that has to walk through it".

Since I already offered to answer his views this morning, I will answer them, and if he still won't listen, then I'll have to end the conversation because it is the wise thing to do. Thanks for the help you guys, I'll let you know what he (Nick) says. Here is what I wrote:

To the churches of New Zealand,

If you have eyes, may you see, and if you have ears, may you hear. I would like to take a moment to tell you my own personal story and what it means to be a Christian. It would mean a lot to me if you read the entire email before passing judgment on me. Amen.

As far back as I can remember having a conscience (Age 13), I knew I was different. This particular ‘different’ I could not vividly describe however. It was something I knew others would not like about me, but what was it? I only knew what this ‘different’ was when I realized I wasn’t attracted to the opposite sex, when other guys in my class were.

Hi, my name is Jordan. I am 22 years old, and I am a gay Christian. For as long as I can remember I have always been gay. Not once did I ever ‘choose’ to be gay. Likewise, I am sure many heterosexuals never made the choice to be straight. Now growing up in a Pentecostal Christian upbringing, I was told that being homosexual was sinful, wrong and an ‘abomination’.

Over the next (almost) 10 years, these words lead me to 2 suicide attempts when I was only 15 years old. Simply because every time I stepped into my own church I was bombarded with pastors preaching eternal condemnation for being gay – for being myself. For something I have only recently realized is a part of me I cannot change, and not through a lack of trying either.

Every night I would pray to God. I would try to ‘pray the gay away’. But I never received any answers, and God would not change my sexual orientation. Over the years I became very angry. I came into church seething like a snake because not only did I feel like God was ignoring me and my prayers of why I was like this and why I had these feelings for guys, but the very people at church including pastors, and even my own parents, constantly shouted homophobic slurs behind closed doors.

In fact one time a pastor at my church said “It is ok to be in a relationship… as long as it is with the opposite sex”. Everyone laughed in agreement. I on the other hand, was completely devastated by this and my spirit was shattered beyond repair. Sure I could be in a relationship with a woman, and if I wanted to, get married and have kids, but I wouldn’t be able to love her completely, and I would never be happy because it would be denying my true self. I would be living a lie, and THAT is a sin and unnatural to me personally.

At the age I was back then, what else was I supposed to think of myself though? I had the whole world screaming in my ear saying I was useless, that I was a waste of skin to society, and that when I die I would go straight to hell. So how come, if I was so ‘evil’ and ‘possessed with demons’ apparently, God would not change me? Surely if I was such a bad person He of all people could change me?

But nothing happened. Nothing EVER changed me. I tried looking at obscene material on the internet with women. That didn’t change my sexual orientation. I was water baptized. That didn’t change my sexual orientation. I prayed to God daily to change me. He also wouldn’t change my sexual orientation. I am sure you get the picture here…

I was completely broken. The whole world it seemed said there was no hope for me. What made matters worse was the fact that, despite my best efforts, NOTHING could change me. Only now have I realized it was because there was nothing wrong with me in the first place.

Now up until I came out to my parents (who are also Christian), they were quite homophobic. In fact borderline what people of the ‘Westboro Baptist Church’ would say, minus the picketing, and with their slurs being said behind closed doors, in the family car, and at home (And by the way if you type that church in Google it comes up with godhatesfags.com). My parents even opposed gay marriage when they were young, which really hurts me to this day because, in a way, they were openly rejecting me and my future as their son.

They could not last a single day without shouting homophobic slurs such as ‘must be gay’, ‘oh a fudge packer aye?’ and ‘EW, gay’. Could you imagine how hurtful these comments were coming from my own loving parents on a daily basis? These words destroyed my soul, and to me, it was like being interrogated and brainwashed to reinforce and assure I wasn’t worthy of being a human on this planet.

One day whilst we as a family were watching Masterchef on television, one of the male contestant’s boyfriends came to kiss him as he was eliminated from the competition. My parents shouted utter disgust. My soul completely broke in that moment. It was make or break. If I didn’t say something soon I would have gone ahead and killed myself, leaving them with a million questions as to why I would ever resort to such a thing.

It was the final straw. I went to my computer and started researching ‘coming out stories’ and ‘it gets better’ videos. I did not realize that the final result of this would end up in me typing up an eight page coming out letter which would ultimately change the minds and hearts of my parents forever.

I poured out my heart and soul in those eight pages. Letting them know that each time they preached eternal condemnation and hatred towards gay people, they were talking about ME, their SON. I also spoke of having to come to the conclusion of being prepared for complete rejection by my own family, and being kicked out of the house for something I could never change.

At 7:15am on July the 4th, 2012, my dad knew I was gay, followed by my mum at 9:27am. My dad immediately gave me a hug and assured everything was still ok and that he still loved me unconditionally. When mum read the letter however, she was crying a river, and I thought it was because of the fact that I was gay, but it couldn’t be further from the truth.

She later told me she was crying because she was completely oblivious to what was going on in my life. I had kept this secret inside of me for almost half my life. This secret spread like a cancer, consuming my every emotion and thought. She said she was also crying because she was worried for the shear amount of hatred I will ultimately face in my life. Indeed, if being bullied at school wasn’t bad enough, this could have easily sent me over the edge, but if I didn’t tell anyone, I would have, and that was a very scary thought.

I am in a much better state now than what I was back then, because when I came out to my parents I felt the pressure of that secret leave me – it was almost like Satan had a grasp on my heart, and we all know he is the father of lies, and God is the father of truth. This burden, this feeling inside of me was quite indescribable, but I will do my best to describe it. You know that feeling when you are told bad news on the telephone and you feel like your heart is sinking? It was like that, for almost 10 years, and it suddenly lifted when I told my parents I was gay. I was then overwhelmed with a sense of peace, grace and liberation. I suddenly thought of the quote in John 8:32, ‘then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free’.

It was a huge relief, but something still kept bothering me. My parents now know that I am gay, and that’s great and all, but I still felt useless because SOCIETY told me it is wrong, sinful and an abomination to be gay. I needed clarity. It wasn’t God that hated me at all.

Now I am the sort of person that looks at both sides of a story before casting judgment on someone or something. I am always aiming to find truth in everything, so when I saw many paradoxes in the bible from a young age about the supposed ‘sin of homosexuality’, yet ‘loving your neighbour’, I thought there was much more to the bible than this. So, naturally, I started doing some research.

I started looking into why I was gay, how I was born this way, but more importantly, what the bible says about homosexuality in all of its context, also bearing in mind the laws and times in which the bible was written in and how the clobber passages have been interpreted (Or in some cases, misinterpreted) over the generations, and in particular, today’s day and age. Heck, there was once a time when people wholeheartedly believed the world was flat, because that’s what people interpreted from the bible at the time, which we now know to be completely false.

There are many more things we as humans have discovered about the bible over time, and I firmly believe that we are now coming into an age of grace, where people realize the bible doesn’t actually condemn homosexuality, and that God loves people just as they are. Another note I would like to mention here is that Jesus didn’t hang out with the rich and greedy, he hung out with the social outcasts, people which society rejected. He hung out with the prostitute and the taxpayer to name a couple examples. So would he die for, and hang out with a homosexual? I will leave that up to you to ponder.

Now I came across some amazing findings which I believe to be the truth, but I acknowledge everyone is entitled to their own opinion and personal beliefs, so please don’t feel obliged to agree with these findings whatsoever. I would appreciate it if you did watch all these videos one day however, to at least take a moment to understand where I am coming from. All of this is just coming from my own experience and journey, but questioning my faith has allowed me to gain a much deeper faith in Jesus as a gay Christian.

Matthew Vines on the Bible and Homosexuality:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezQjNJUSraY

Rob Buckingham on Christianity being transparent and accepting: [5 parts]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DPfql9A_vc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIez3WErnfw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M62T4czN8SY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iv7EwO4f6G8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slfprUmzNVI

Is being gay a choice? Religion versus Reality:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EI1_jzPEcwU

^ This video comes across as a bit sarcastic in tone, so please ignore that aspect of it. Regardless, it has some very good information which has helped me come to terms with both why I am gay and how I was born this way. It made A LOT of sense and truth to me as a gay Christian man.

Prayers for Bobby movie trailer: (In my opinion this is a must see movie all Christians need to see)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSee8On2lEQ

And here is the full Prayers for Bobby movie on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZT9b9xp2DU

I would have loved to have bought and sent you the actual DVD of Prayers for Bobby, but as you can imagine, sending hundreds of DVD’s to various Churches of New Zealand, well… let’s just say first of all I am not a millionaire, and second of all, I am not God who can work wonders! 😛 but if this movie touches you, I encourage you to purchase a copy and get others to watch it too!

Below is a romantic comedy about a gay couple who want to adopt. They have the same family values as the average heterosexual couple (As many LGBT people value as well), but they find out there was an error on the adoption papers and instead receive a troubled 15 year old teenager who is extremely homophobic. It is a funny but moving movie (If you can withstand the guys kissing that is – though many people can withstand guys holding guns in movies, so if people can handle that, then this shouldn’t be uncomfortable). There are subtitles which are a downside, but it is a great movie for those questioning whether gay couples can be good parents. It also makes you question what a ‘normal’ family is. If it is a family filled with unconditional love, then that to me is normal:

Patrik 1,5 Trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ag5jPiu-Keo

Patrik 1,5 full movie on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqmqYkjYNa4

I sincerely hope this email has been helpful, informative and humbling. Please do not feel obliged to respond or agree with anything in here however, rather, consider the other side of the story and what LGBT people are facing in today’s society, and the complete context of the bible and what it says about homosexuality.

I thank you very much for your time in reading this email.

Peace and Grace,

Jordan

Sorry for the long post. It was uncanny how you mention Matthew Vines too :O that is one of the links I sent which is extremely informative and thought provoking ^_^

Beautiful letter Jordan – well done.

should you receive any hateful or challenging replies, please know you have the thoughts, prayers and encouragement of the f2be community on your side.

You write very well

congratulations,

Sarab

HHmmm Adobe reader not opening a document – thats odd – You could try uninstalling it – and reinstalling it.

If that doesnt work – try googling the problem – (i.e. any errors etc)

Im not much of a windows person myself Im afraid….

Sorry everyone, I don't think I will try emailing a further 50 churches. I haven't received a single email back from the first 50, apart from Nick's, which was negative (although I was expecting that), and he hasn't responded ever since when I offered to talk about his views (which may be a good thing because he sounded set in his anti-gay stance).

Maybe one day I will move to Melbourne and listen to Rob Buckingham's sermons in person. Bayside Church, which accepts LGBT people. Otherwise I can see no hope in going to any church here in New Zealand. Even the church I go to, they as Christians, make everything seem so lovey dovey, and their love can be packaged so nice and sweet, but in reality they don't accept homosexuals, and that's not only conditional love and in my opinion, a bunch of pharisees, but it's also really sad.

I may have to resort to praying and being a Christian only at home :-/ because I cannot afford to be hurt at my church any longer. Especially that time a pastor said "it is ok to be in a relationship… as long as it was with the opposite sex". It's funny how you can think you're quite strong, but there's always that seed of doubt that brings you down a notch or two. Maybe it's just because I've grown up in a homophobic environment so I can't think positively enough. I don't know…

Anyway I'm sorry to disappoint you guys. I tried. 50 churches seems good enough I guess, and despite their silence, maybe one day they will change their minds. Until then, I will have to give up on them – just as they have done so with me and the whole gay christian community in general. Sorry everyone </3

~Jordan

Hi Jordan

I don't feel you have disappointed anyone. Far from it in fact. I think it's wise that you have taken a back step from making ongoing contact with churches for now. It's good that you have reflected on the hurt this issue causes you and sought to protect yourself from further hurt. I also feel that your heart is in the right place and the desires of your heart will be satisfied but for now these might manifest differently to what you were hoping for. Why not contact one of the gay affirming churches in NZ for some fellowship? http://www.gaychurch.org/Find_a_Church/foriegn_nations/new_zealand.htm

Your letter is brilliant – some of the churches just aren't ready to hear it yet. But that's their doing not yours. I also agree with Mother Hen that you never know what will come of the seeds planted from the letters already sent out.

Your enthusiasm and actions are inspiring. That's part of who you are and doesn't change just because of the disappointing responses from the churches. In my mind it only means that your actions are diverted for now.

Keep your chin up.

Blessings,

Ann Maree