When my children were small, I did what all responsible parents do, and taught them the difference between a good secret and a bad secret. I told them that a good secret is okay to keep, because it makes them feel happy and excited about something special. A good secret might include keeping quiet about what they will give someone as a gift for Christmas, or a birthday, or it might mean keeping quiet about some other special and happy occasion that is planned.

A bad secret is one that makes you feel burdened, depressed, ashamed, or afraid. Keeping a bad secret is never a good thing to do. It’s not good to keep quiet about things that make you feel bad. A bad secret is something you don’t want to tell someone, because of fear or shame. It is something you keep quiet about because you don’t trust anyone to receive your secret in a way that will make you feel good.

The sad thing was, that in all that time, when I taught my kids about good and bad secrets, I was keeping a deep dark secret of my own.

I was keeping the secret of my sexuality, from them, and from others around me and it was not a good secret to keep, because the longer I kept it, the worse it made me feel.

I remember struggling on a daily basis with feelings of shame, worthlessness, fear and self loathing that, pray as I might, and plead with God as I did, they never went away.

I sank deeper into depression with every day that passed while I clung to my guilty secret.

Then, one day I had a moment of revelation. I am not sure, if I saw this on Oprah Winfrey’s show, or on Dr Phil, but I can clearly remember when I first heard the phrase “Secrets have POWER!” and the impact it had on me as it was explained that keeping a thing hidden, no matter what it was, if it made you feel bad, then it had far too much power over you.

The impact of that statement shook me to the core.

I realized that I was inside a prison of my own making. I had voluntarily walked inside, closed and locked the door and swallowed the key to my own release, making sure that no one could get in, and for sure, I could never get out.

True freedom for me, came when I decided to unlock the door of my prison and stop keeping the secret of my sexuality hidden away. I was able to walk out my self-imposed cage and feel the warm light of freedom on my face.

One of my favorite passages of Scripture, and one that always brings tears of gratitude to my eyes, is Psalm 139 which speaks of how well God knows me, even the deep secret places inside of me that no one else can know, are revealed to him. The darkness of night in my soul is like daylight to him, and no matter where I hide, he will always find me out.

This Psalm is not talking about an angry God who searches me out so that he can punish, or push me back into a cage. Rather it speaks of a loving father who hovered over me and was intimately involved in my creation, who knew every part of me, even when I was knitted together before I was born.

He already knew everything there was to know about me, so there was no secret from Him. He knows me, and He loves me. It was just up to me to open myself up and trust him enough to let my secret be revealed and then the true healing freedom could begin.

I love the last two verses of Psalm 139. Especially how they’re given in the Basic English Version.

O God, let the secrets of my heart be uncovered, and let my wandering thoughts be tested:

See if there is any way of sorrow in me, and be my guide in the eternal way.

(Ps 139:23-24 Basic English Version)

I want the secrets that make me feel bad to be revealed. Because by revealing them I am set free from the burden of having to hide a part of myself away from God and away from others.

When they are revealed, I can find my path on the eternal way.

When they are revealed, they lose their power to cause me sorrow. That is when I am truly free 2 be!

I’ve been reading back through my journal dating from 2002-2006 and found an entry the other night which I thought I would share here. I think this is the first time that God broke through my defenses and began to tell me that he loves and accepts me just as I am…I was on a bit of a downer this particular night, so please forgive the sob story! 😆

A little background, this was a few months after I had separated from my ex-husband for the last time, I was living alone for the first time in my life, working, having to walk everywhere and, unknown to me at the time, the glasses I had were the wrong prescription and they were behind my constant falling over.

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Journal Entry 2005-07-27 04:28:00

I fell over again today! Walking home from the shops with some things I had bought for my dinner etc and I rolled my ankle and fell flat on my face. My shopping was scattered everywhere and I had the wind knocked out of me for a moment. Thank God I fell on grass and not pavement so I wasn’t injured, because with my hands full of shopping I couldn’t do anything to stop myself just sprawling on the ground. I was so angry though. Frustration welled within me in a way that has not happened for many years and I sat on the grass and fumed until I was in tears with the utter humiliation and frustration that just built and built until I wanted to scream! I am so sick and tired of not being able to keep my feet under me. I got up, gathered my things and put them back into the shopping bags and went on my way, but I was fuming with anger and frustration all the way.

When I got home, I sent M an sms and told her I had fallen and I was so angry about it. I was shaking with it! I was also crying, but not because of pain, because of anger.

M sent back with her usual silly humour:

“What was it this time? Glasses? Inattention, misjudged height, drunk? Old age?”

I laughed, but I was still too down on myself to respond very well, I sent back “All of the above, + fat, stupid and clumsy.”

“Don’t be ridiculous!” She sent straight back “Just because I am being silly…probably it was just tired, mind on other things, and darkness. Let me know if you need a lift tomorrow. Love you!”

After settling down a little bit by sms’ing back and forth to Marilyn, I had a good old complain to God about it. I told him that I think I am fat, stupid and clumsy, too, and the gentle response that came from him brought me to tears again.

“All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.” Songs 4:7

He has been using the book of songs a lot to talk to me lately. Breaking down the years of being told I am stupid and worthless and fat and lazy, unacceptable and all those other negative images.

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There was more to that entry, but it is not really relevant to this post so I clipped it there, but it was wonderful to be reminded of how gentle and loving God was with me on that night. I was so angry and frustrated. I’m glad that I have since got the problem with my specs sorted. It’s been years now, since I have fallen over like that!

I think Song of Solomon tends to be neglected. Maybe we’re all a bit embarrassed to think of God speaking to us in such intimate language. 🙂

It is a beautiful book, though.

True about it being beautiful and neglected. I know of some churches who used to have that part stapled together in te pew bibles because it was considered too racy!! 😆

😆 😆 😆 That’s funny! Can imagine it happening, though.

Yep! Thanks AVB should I change the age in my subject line here? 😀 I am 47 today.