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My son told me he is Gay.

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Blondie64
 
Joined in 2014
January 13, 2014, 00:50

My son just told me he was Gay yesterday. We were sitting on the lounge talking and he just let it out BOOM there you have it. He told me he had been in a relationship for about 4 months now with who I thought was just his flat mate & friend. I took it very casually however deep down it really hurt me. I have to admit I was not totally shocked and had my suspicion, but never once asked him, I guess I was afraid of hearing the truth as I did yesterday. I felt like a nail was put in my coffin, like I had lost my boy, who is 19 by the way but still my boy! I love him and always will, however I don't know how to handle this, it's so hard and would I believe of been hard for him to finally tell me the truth even though he just went bam there it is. What kind of mother am I? I'm crying while I write this? I can't talk to anyone about it because I promised my son and also partly because I can't tell my family and friends for fear of embarrassment & ridicule. I think I'm a horrible person, I'm not coping and don't know how to?



ShadowBoxer
Moderator
Joined in 2005
January 13, 2014, 07:58

Hi there


Thanks for your post.

This news can be a shock – but can I say that he hasn't changed in anyway – he's still the same person – he's just chosen to share more about himself with you.

You haven't lost him.

I know this is probably not what you want to hear – but time helps ! When I told my father – he was quite upset and it took him about 6 months to get his head around it. In the end though – he called my partner (and still does) his other son. (We have been together almost 14 years now)

He proof read my Partners Phd.

Some times he would ring our house and want to talk to my partner not me. (hes 95 now – doesnt ring anyone nowadays but we visited him yesterday and he called us "his boys to the staff where he lives")


BUT that takes time. I never told him about my first partner – he just thought he was a friend …..

and that its a terrible strain on people to hide that – although its a shock give it some time.


Also I dont know where you are – but Ive had no ridicule in coming out – Im now out at work and have been for years and with all my friends.

A few of my friends i dont see so much any more – and I have many new friends that like me for who I am – so all over its been positive thing for me – but everyone's journey is different. I work in white collar industries however, although I have worked in Australia, the USA and Europe and been out with my work colleagues.


Hope this helps and Im happy to answer any specific questions

Hang in there…..



Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
January 13, 2014, 08:27

HI Blonde64,


I'm a mother of a gay son also. Please know the feelings you have are normal and it's ok to have them. I can understand the tears, I cried for a week, I understand the shock. When my son told my husband and I we had no idea, zip, not a clue. I knew he was hiding something. Our response to him was to get up and give him and give him a great big hug, we all had some tears and we told him how much we love him. Our love for him hasn't/didn't changed as I'm sure yours for your son hasn't. It's really important he knows you still love him. Tell him you just need sometime time process the information, be supportive and accepting of him.


Like you I felt I had lost my son but in reality I had got my son back. I know that sounds strange at this point. But when you think about, your son and mine at the time, like so many other gay people have to hide who they really are. So much is done in secrecy, they watch every word that comes out of their mouth in fear of letting something slip and you finding out. They limit telling you what things are happening in the life, everything is guarded. If your son had been dating a girl he would have most likely told you there was a girl he liked he was thinking of asking out there would have been no need to hide that relationship from you.


For me now I really do feel i have my son back, he is more open, honest, less guarded and we are now closer. He can truly be himself around us.


You ask what kind of mother am I. Well I can tell you are a wonderful, loving caring mother. The fact that you can on this site asking for support is proof of that. You are allowed to feel the things you feel, some you might not be able to share with your son but you do need someone you can share those feelings with. Please feel free to PM me if you would like to talk in private.


I found this site helpful http://www.pflagaustralia.org.au/


You can read my story here http://www.freedom2b.org/forums/a-proud-mum-my-story-t1544/


God bless 🙂



Blondie64
 
Joined in 2014
January 13, 2014, 10:27

Thank you both for your kind words. I read them a couple of times through the many tears! I can't stop crying and I have to because I have to go to work in a couple of hours. I'm just hurting and trying to process how I feel about all this, as selfish as that may sound! The words he hasn't changed, he's still the same person hit me hard because to me he has changed, he's not the son I thought I knew, he's the son who kept secrets from me, who told others before his own mother – this hurt me deeply, I feel like I've been punched in the guts, but I'm supposed to be happy because he is and it's his choice. Look I love my son, but I just don't know how to cope with this. I'm struggling and that's the honest truth. He told his eldest brother today who messaged me to tell me and I told him he had told me yesterday & that I was very upset. My eldest son has told me I am disgusting for being upset, so now I feel like I have lost both my boys in a couple of days! This just gets worse, and I'm not supposed to talk about it, yet it's okay that my son can tell others just not me – I have no one to talk to and feel like I'm imploding and my world has just fallen apart. I better go. Thanks



ShadowBoxer
Moderator
Joined in 2005
January 13, 2014, 10:52

I dont know you – or your Son

I dont know what country you are in or if you are from a city or country etc and these things matter a bit


However – Can I say that I didnt tell my parents. Someone ELSE told my parents,

Many People dont tell their parents for a long time (for fear of rejection) They are scared of how their parents will react.


Whilst the news is a shock – can I say that its a great credit (to you and to him) that your son has chosen to tell you so young.


I would also like to point out that whilst being Gay is not a choice (Im glossing over a LOT of research and science their that Im willing to discuss later but for now – go with – its Not a Choice) – there is a Journey that People need to go through


And the thing is – whilst you are Born Gay – You arent born knowing you are Gay. Everybody's Journey is different – but your son's Journey could well be something like

Knowing he is a little different –

Learning that that difference is bad (hearing things at school – and from others that make it seem a bad thing) so learning to hide that difference.

Learning to understand that difference is he is same sex attracted.

Putting a word to that. – Gay –

Trying to convince himself he's not Same Sex attracted

Eventually accepting that you are Gay. and that its NOT BAD.


Thats A BIG Journey to do by the time your 19.


Times ARE different now – and I dont know your Son's Journey – BUT I was seeing someone (and sleeping with them) for a while before (and I remember this day Vividly) I accepted that I was Gay


IT was a long time before I told anyone (and then In my case – my "friend" didnt want me to tell ANYONE.) and I was terrified when I told my first friend. Funnily enough although they were surprised ( Im a little rough, and not very stereotypical) – they were basically totally supportive and it was really a non issue for them . BUT I had lived in fear for months before I worked up the courage to tell them…


And the closer you are to someone – the harder it is to tell them – because you risk more (of a loss). So I would guess the reason he told others before you is probably complex but in part its because you mean more to him. Hes needed time to work himself out – and at 19 – he may well still have things to work out – but the fact hes told you now is pretty amazing.


Its OK you are finding it hard to deal with – it usually is – but his telling you is a sign of deep trust and love.

Give your self time…..its a big thing to process.



Blondie64
 
Joined in 2014
January 13, 2014, 11:25

Hi Shadow boxer,


You are right you don't know me nor my son. We live in Australia in a country town, at least I do, my son had moved away to a city for a while. He came home & told me just the other day as you now know. As for the word choice, that is his words not mine. He told me it was his choice! If you choose to call it a journey then that's your words. Life in General is a journey. I find it offensive and hard to stomach the words he is born Gay. I gave birth to him, I did not make him Gay! He was not brought up that way either. Although his father and I split and divorced when he was 7, I raised him the same as his eldest brother who is straight. As my son said in his own words, it's my choice. Either way it is what it is and I am just trying to process all this and how I feel, at present, I'm upset, hurt, facing truths I didn't want to but kind of suspected but never asked for fear of hearing that may be so, and it is apparently. I'm dealing with a sense of loss of my boy, the one I thought I knew that obviously held so many secrets, I'm trying to deal with many emotions right now, I can't help how I feel – hurt! Even though I realise I love my son and perhaps this was hard for him, it's still hard to stomach that he trusted others more than his own mother, and even through many accusations in the past year, I defended my son, he knew this, yet both he and his partner must of had many laughs at my expense at my being such a dumb ass to wake up to the fact – that hurts, and I feel great resentment towards the people he confided in, and shared more with, than his own mother, I feel like I don't like them at all. I know that's horrible and unrealistic but it's how I feel – I'm hurting! In more ways than one, perhaps in ways only a mother can, it's kind of like mourning loss.



ShadowBoxer
Moderator
Joined in 2005
January 13, 2014, 11:54

Im going to leave the "Its a choice thing alone"

Theres a lot that can be discussed on that – but I think this isnt the time for that but Im certainly happy to discuss it some time.

You are right though – you did not MAKE him Gay. There are several pathways that research shows can lead to someone being Gay. How people are brought up has nothing to do with it, There's a lot of of research on that.


Focus on Mother Hen's Post – and whilst I wanted to post something to you now as I know you are hurting – there are others who I believe are likely to post on this thread later who will be able relate to what you are feeling having gone through the same thing themselves.


In the mean time there are the links in Mother Hen's Post and I would also encourage you to reach out to PFLAG..

This might also be of interest to you – the story of one of the PFLAG Mothers (from Australian Story)


http://www.abc.net.au/austory/specials/mumsword/default.htm

(Transcript is here) http://www.abc.net.au/austory/content/2007/s2958278.htm



Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
January 13, 2014, 17:45

Blondie64,


My heart goes out to you, it goes out to you as someone who is not unfamiliar with the feelings you are feeling. I can not know how you feel, I do have some understanding though. I certainly understand how hurt your feel that your son told others before he told you. My son did the same, it did indeed feel like a kick in the gut. You love your children so much, you would do anything for them, I lost count of the amount of times I would tell my children they could tell us anything. We have always loved, supported and accepted our children. Yet my son told others first. In a way that was one of the hardest things to do deal with. Yet at the same time I do understand why he told other's. I think it was Anthony (founder of F2B) who said that people tell the people first who they have the least to lose. Eg telling a counsellor, acquaintance, friend. Then they move and tell friends they are closer too and finally the ones who mean the most to them, the ones they love the most and the ones they have the most to lose if they are rejected. I guess as they tell each person and get acceptance and support it gives them courage to tell the ones who they would be heart broken and lost if they rejected them. In this case you. For us, our son knew deep down he would always be loved, that we would not reject him but whether logical or not there is still that fear that he would be rejected. If you know anything about fear it can paralyze people, stop them from doing what they need to do. I guess when we look at it, as hurtful as it maybe that our sons did not tell their mothers first, is kind of a sign that we are one of the most important people in their lives. And if you are thinking right now a mother would not reject her child, then I'm sorry to say there are. I personal don't understand how a mother could reject the child they love but it does happen. Many of this site have had that happen to them.


I know you will be feeling all sorts of things, and will have all sorts of things going through your head. Some make sense some not. You mentioned that your son and his partner might be laughing at you. I know I don't know this for sure but I really don't think they would be. I say this because of the gay people I have met through F2B, and the stories they have told. Most likely their conversation around you would have been that you son wanted to tell you but he was afraid too.


Please don't get hung up on some of the terms, choice, born that way etc. That's not what you need right now. I have one son who is gay the other like yours is straight. They were both brought up the same way. It's hard just to get your head around your son being gay. I know I woke up everyday for weeks and said I don't believe it, like it was a nightmare. I felt deep grief, grief at what I thought was a loss of the son I knew at the time, grief that I would not see my son get married, have grandchildren from him. I know it might have seen selfish to others but the reality is that is how I felt at the time, we can't help how we feel. But with the grief the strongest which really tore me up was that my son had to deal with everything he went through on his own. I wasn't there to help him through any difficulties he went through. I also felt I had failed him as a mother, I really knocked myself up over I wasn't a good mother. I was angry, yes at some of the people he told before me, I was angry at some of the bad information and advice that he was given that only moved him further away from me. I'm still angry at those type of people that would put blame on the families and cause divide and splits within families.


You mentioned your eldest son said it was disgusting you were upset. Well he is not a mother, he can't know how you feel or what you are going through. Please don't take too much heed to what he has said. He will be reacting to the news as well, what he said was not right, hopefully in time he will realise that. You mentioned you were told not to tell anyone. I am thinking your son was meaning people who know him. You need to talk to someone, a close friend a counsellor, or PM me. You need to be able to tell somehow how you feel without fear of any repercussion on you, don't have to be logical, make sense etc. Whatever you are feeling right now is OK. It's what we do with those feelings is important. It may mean at this point in time you can't be truly honest with your sons on how you feel.


Look I've gone on enough. I just want you to know that as a mother I do have some understanding of what you might be going through, though different some things will still be the similar. You are not alone, you have me/us to talk too 🙂 And I know it might not seem like it, but it does get better 🙂



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
January 13, 2014, 22:35

Hi Blondie64

I am glad you have found our site and shared with us at this painful time. I'm really sorry you are in so much pain and hope you find the support you need here.

Being gay or coming to terms with the fact that a loved one is gay can be a very difficult thing to adjust to and people may not realise that when a person comes out as gay there is also a coming out process for the parents and loved ones who receive the news. And just as it can take time for the person who is gay to come out to themselves and then to others, it also takes time for the person receiving the news to adjust their ideas of their loved one and to work out what it all means. It can be a painful process but you and your son will be OK. It may not feel like it at the moment but I really strongly feel that you will both be OK.

This is just a thought to consider but perhaps in keeping this news from you before, your son was trying to spare you pain? Maybe he anticipated that you might feel confused and hurt? No caring, loving person wants to hurt their loved ones but the truth can sometimes hurt and maybe he anticipated that and wanted to avoid it. I suspect he may have also felt hurt along the way but he has had strength to let you in to this part of him and I believe that is a good thing. He is being open. I agree with Mother Hen in what she has written too, a wise woman indeed. Like mother Hen has indicated, I feel that your opinion would matter greatly to your son and he would have had a lot to lose if you were not OK with his news. The weight of that can make it harder to tell our closest loved ones. So I can understand that you feel hurt, perhaps thinking he didn't love you enough to confide in you first but maybe the opposite is true? Maybe it's his strong love for you that has delayed him telling you until recently. And like Mother Hen, I really can't imagine him laughing at you. I imagine you feel deeply betrayed and this is what made you think this. Could that be right?

It's OK that you feel what you feel, very normal as Mother Hen has said. It is a period of mourning and loss as you have written, mourning the person you thought you knew and now having to examine all your ideas, experiences and feelings in light of this news. As grief passes though, this will too. It will get better – just give yourself time to process it and know that we are here for you. Keep talking to us.

Blessings to you,

Ann Maree



Chris
Administrator
Joined in 2009
January 13, 2014, 23:20

Quote from Mother Hen on January 13, 2014, 5:45 pm

Yet my son told others first. In a way that was one of the hardest things to do deal with. Yet at the same time I do understand why he told other's. I think it was Anthony (founder of F2B) who said that people tell the people first who they have the least to lose. Eg telling a counsellor, acquaintance, friend. Then they move and tell friends they are closer too and finally the ones who mean the most to them, the ones they love the most and the ones they have the most to lose if they are rejected. I guess as they tell each person and get acceptance and support it gives them courage to tell the ones who they would be heart broken and lost if they rejected them. In this case you. For us, our son knew deep down he would always be loved, that we would not reject him but whether logical or not there is still that fear that he would be rejected. If you know anything about fear it can paralyze people, stop them from doing what they need to do. I guess when we look at it, as hurtful as it maybe that our sons did not tell their mothers first, is kind of a sign that we are one of the most important people in their lives.


As someone who only came out a few short years ago in my early twenties, this really hits the nail on the head. This is how I went about it, and how a lot of others around my age went about doing it too. It's a bit sad, but the entire process essentially revolves around fear. Fear of rejection, or of causing grief. The first people who are told are typically ones quite far removed from day to day life – likely not within the family or circle of close friends. This way you have less to lose. In my case I first told people I only knew over the internet – people who I knew were not acquainted with my local friends, and so could not possibly spread the word. The fear was that strong, it felt like the only possible outlet.


As you get the support you need and gain confidence, you move on to the next least risky group. Get their support and when you are comfortable, you move on to the next circle of friends or family members. Each time can be another nerve-wracking experience as you feel like you are putting your relationships with these people on the line. It's like a spiral motion going inwards, and your parents are at the very centre, at the very end. They are absolutely the most important, and are likely going to be told last regardless of how healthy the relationship is.


I would say that for almost everyone who comes out to their various friends and family, their memory of the day they told their parents will be the one that sticks with them most vividly. Rest assured that despite the casual way in which it was presented, you were at the pinnacle of your son's coming out process.


On a final practical note, I would recommend not communicating to your other family members about this via SMS or other short messaging systems. Meaning and nuance can be lost almost immediately over those, leading to some pretty serious misunderstandings about how people feel. This is an emotional time – make sure you use communication methods that allow those emotions to be shown clearly. Longer emails are better than SMS, phone calls are better again, and as always, nothing beats talking in person.


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