I have been at work today until just now, helped to keep my mind busy and off the situation at hand. I feel totally exhausted now, spent, numb! I still feel hurt, angry and resentment towards some, I can't help that and even after a full day & night of crying, the tears still flow as I think about things. My head hurts so bad, worst head ache ever, I feel like my brain may explode but mostly I just feel exhausted now. Thanks for your kind words again, it helps, and thanks for being a little understanding where my sons have not been. Also thanks for not thinking I am some vile disgusting human being for being hurt and angry and not able to help how I feel. I haven't spoken to my sons again as I'm too upset to talk and just too spent to argue how I feel and why I feel this way – I just do! Also after texting my boys and being told I'm disgusting by one for being upset & that I should be happy for him cos he's happy, well hell no I'm not happy about it I can't get past hurt at the moment and my son this is concerning has told me I am just mean and made him feel like shit – I didn't mean to but I was just so angry at him for hurting me like he has and not telling me but felt it was okay to tell others & leave his mother excluded for so long – that hurt! I know it's selfish, probably unrealistic and irrational but it's how I felt at the time! I wish I could stop crying, I need a plumber because my orbitals keep leaking. My eyes are swollen and so sore I can hardly see out them even with my glasses – I'm a total shipwreck! I'm hoping tomorrow will be better although somehow I doubt it – perhaps too much damage has been done all around? I feel like the family unit has been shattered beyond all repair, confused and exhausted now – better go & thanks for listening to me when no one else would. Nite all xx

Thanks Mother Hen,

For checking in on me today, your thought is appreciated. Had a bit better day today, not so many tears, just a couple. The upset is subsiding, the hurt is still there and very real, and some anger and resentment still surfaces now and then. I'm unable to help how I feel. I have been trying to keep myself busy at work so as to give my brain a bit of a break from all the thoughts in my head. I'm exhausted a total shipwreck! I did manage to get a few hours sleep last night which mass me feel at least a little sub human this morning. Perhaps if I didn't love my son so much, I wouldn't feel all this hurt like I do? Maybe it will ease as the days pass? Maybe in time I will have my son back? Maybe he will be able to be more open, honest and less guarded in time so that we can become even closer and maybe in the end we will come out of all this okay and be stronger for it. I guess all I can do now is just hang in there?

Hi again Mother Hen,

OMG! It's like you are right inside my head, reading my thoughts, it's kind of weird like you know what I'm thinking and what's happening! I sat up late last night till the early hours of this morning writing a letter to my son on my iPad, telling him just that, that I loved him, always have & always will and that he is my son whether he likes it or not? Also went on to try and explain my thoughts and feelings to him and why I felt that way. I also explained that I hadn't been able to talk to him since that day he told me, because I was upset, hurt and angry and that I had needed time to sort through my issues and why I felt that way. I sent that message to him in the early hours of this morning, but as I'm writing this, he has still not read it and maybe he won't? Maybe he is mad at me too for feeling the way I did, and possibly hurt as well, but I'm not a robot and I couldn't control the upset and hurt I felt at the time and then later the anger and resentment towards those he had let in and trusted before his own mother. I think I really hated them as crazy as that sounds and irrational and unrealistic, it was how I felt. That has eased a little, however there is still a touch of resentment there if I am to be totally honest. I have woke up the past two days in a bit of a fog, partly due to lack of sleep and total mental exhaustion, and I find I keep saying to myself "my son is Gay" and " I have a Gay son" I don't know why I keep doing this? It's like if I say it enough, perhaps I will finally believe it and maybe even be able to accept that this is my lot in life? It's still really raw, and I just don't know what to think or feel anymore, I'm tired of thinking so much it just hurts my head, I feel like my brain is on overload and I wish I could just turn it off for a while and make it all go away – like I know that won't fix things being an ostrich and sticking my head in the sand, yet that's exactly what I felt like doing – running away from it all. I have had my tail between my legs, hiding and licking my wounds for the past two days. Yes I have gone to work, on automatic pilot I must admit, lights were on but nobody was there, I've not talked much just thrown myself into work to try and busy my brain and give it a rest from all the thoughts – it's like I can't stand it sometimes but I can't run away from it either! How I wish I could? Still the occasional tears when I read stuff and think about things but not the continuous floods like the first 24 hours after the bombshell was dropped on me! Stupid thing is, even though I had my suspicions, when I finally found out that was so, why did it still hurt and upset me like it did? The whole thing has been strange and foreign to me, my circle of life has suddenly become square? Perhaps Ned Kelly summed it up best when he said "such is life" a young man wise beyond his years.

You are going to be OK 🙂 you are doing great. Ha ha I told you I would wake up every morning and say I can't believe my son is gay. It does sink in after a while and you know it's not all that bad it's ok. I know your perspective of your son has change, but deep down he is still the amazing young man you brought him up to be. Give him sometime as well. He will have a lot to digest with your letter, it's great you reached out to him. Let him also react and feel the way he needs too. It's a pleasure for us on F2B to help other's who find themselves in need for a period of time. In time you might be able to help some other mother who is going through a similar experience, you will know what it's like and will know that there is hope and you do come out the other end. Remember take one day at a time 🙂

How did you come across F2B anyway?

Hi Shadow Boxer,

Thanks for the offer of PFLAG offer, however I have hardly been able to talk yet without the tears, so that's why I have written instead, doesn't matter if tear drops on the iPad, bit better than listening to someone upset on the other end of the line, besides I don't think I'm ready yet to talk to anyone. Also there is no way I would turn up to a meeting, incase someone there knew me – no way! I also am not one that is big on talking in groups, it just doesn't sit comfortable with me. If I am not meant to be on this site I am sorry, I probably picked the wrong one, I don't know, I was just desperate to talk to someone anyone anonymously, and the name caught my attention and I just thought I had nothing left to lose. I was literally grabbing at straws at the time. Besides I have had responses from some that have really helped me on here, I know you keep trying to push PFLAG to me but I don't feel ready for that, not yet, feels like it may be a bit too much in your face kind of thing, and I'm not sure I could handle that right now.