Hey Amila,

Hmm your situation is a really tough one.

And wow, I didn't know you could be jailed in your country for being caught in the act :O here I thought me coming out to my parents was tough in New Zealand (one of the most homophobic countries on earth because it's "God's Zone" and most *disclaimer: not all* Christians here frown upon it). Much respect Amila. We're all here for you.

Firstly I don't have a degree in giving advice – there are way more helpful people on these forums who can offer you some ideal tips for your particular situation. I'm only relatively new here, but I can give you some ideas as to what worked for me 😀

For many years my parents shouted homophobic slurs whenever they saw a gay person/s on television. They'd shout out things like 'ew gay' and (excuse the language) 'ew faggots'. You know, all the steriotypical ignorant comments. It hurt me because they were talking about ME. After years of hearing all that, I snapped (and it takes A LOT for me to snap). I decided enough was enough, and got to works on a coming out letter (I still wasn't ready to come out, but I probably would have topped myself if I heard those comments any longer from my own family – luckily I didn't top myself because things DO get better). So in terms of ideas/advice here – only YOU will know when the time is right.

My coming out letter was eight pages long in the end, with the last page having a few links they could go to, to understand where I was coming from and to help them understand a bit better. So in terms of advice here, I would suggest writing down every single thought and feeling you've ever had. Right down to things like 'when did you know you were gay?', 'is this just a phase?', the type of questions parents would ask. I would also recommend some YouTube videos which may help them a bit more to understand where you're coming from.

These 'Real Christianity is Accepting' videos from Pastor Rob Buckingham helped my parents a lot in particular, as they are Christian, and have always thought that being gay was both a sin and a choice, until now:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DPfql9A_vc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIez3WErnfw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M62T4czN8SY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iv7EwO4f6G8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slfprUmzNVI

Your mum may find those videos particularly helpful – it did with my mum!

Now the video below speaks in a weird sort of manner/tone, but it has some amazing points, including the fact that homosexuality is found in nature, and that it is NOT unnatural. It talks about how ex-gay programs don't work, and that there are scientifically proven results as to how people are born gay, and that it is NOT a choice. Worth checking out anyway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSQSx3OCrXQ

Further ideas would be to watch A LOT of "coming out" videos and "it gets better" videos on YouTube. You would be amazed at how much support there is out there and how many people are going through the same thing. It has helped me in coming to terms with myself and who I am. It has also lifted my confidence up a few notches.

Perhaps mentioning these forums will help your parents a lot too (particularly the "Straight Friends, Family and Supporters forum"). I think the most important aspect of coming out is letting the other party fully understand 1) What you're going through, and 2) Accept the fact that being gay is completely normal, and that you are still the same person before AND after you come out.

Reading some coming out letters may also give you some great ideas as to what you could write – should you come out to your parents in a letter. I found by writing down everything (my thoughts, feelings etc.), my parents were able to soak it all in at their own pace. Who knows, you may be more comfortable speaking to them face to face. It depends on which you think would be better. I personally can't give public speeches very well and I always forget about things I want to say, so writing everything made it so much easier. You can always edit it and perfect it too.

I hope some of that was helpful 🙂

God Bless Amila,

~Jordan

Hey, no worries 😀 I'm glad it helped, and WOW about your prayer – God works in mysterious ways!

Indeed, I have seen some videos where coming out to their parents resulted in them being physically abused. Something no one should ever face. One thing is for sure though, God is the only one you need validation from, and if your parents or anyone else for that matter don't understand where you are coming from, either way, you would have done your utmost to get them to understand where you are coming from and what you've been going through. When I told my parents though I felt liberated, like literally this massive burden lifted off of me. The only way I could describe it was you know that sinking feeling in your stomach (or heart) when you're told bad news? It was like that, for TEN years. Then when I came out, I was completely at peace with it all and that heavy feeling, that double life I was living, just went away. Sure it was the most terrifying and nervous day of my life (couldn't sleep that night in fact) but it was so worth it.

The night I placed my letter down at the bottom of the stairs, I got together a bag with some basic essentials though (clothes, toothbrush, toothpaste, wallet etc.), preparing to be completely rejected and having a plan to walk all the way into the city, finding a hotel and getting a job the next day. I figured out I would survive 2 weeks maximum, but I was lucky enough to have understanding parents – and it is extremely difficult to read how your own parents would handle it as everyone reacts differently. I sure didn't know how they would respond as they were always shouting homophobic slurs, so naturally, you tend to hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

I still live with my parents and I'm 22, so don't worry about that. Everything takes time, and no thanks to society (in general), many people these days just love to put others in a box and label you as this and that if you don't follow the invisible rules of life. For example, you must have your driver's license by X age, you must be married by X age, you must have a house by X age. My relatives were always asking what I was doing next, and to be honest I had no clue, in fact I still don't (although I am looking into singing/songwriting now), I tried a few things but they just weren't for me, and the more they pressured me, the more I began to hide in my shell and become a mute. It was horrible, but now I'm going to start telling them the truth. That I don't have my life 100% sorted/planned, and that I don't know what I want to do or what I am good at, but I'm going to find myself some day soon, and that's all that matters.

I think a letter would be good. Perhaps sitting down with your parents while they're reading it would be good too. That way you can answer any questions they have. The letter should reiterate the fact that you still love them – you ALWAYS will, and that you're not trying to hurt them, rather let them into your whole life – it's a sign of complete trust in my opinion.

Here, I will show you my own coming out letter below. I copy pasta'ed some paragraphs from other people's coming out letters/stories as they explained what I wanted to say literally word for word. There is quite a bit of my own wording in there too though, which includes my own feelings, thoughts and examples of how I was treated and what I was going through.

By the way, the bit about hoping my parents wouldn't chuck me out on the street that wasn't planned that far yet – well, I had my bag packed, but I forgot to print the google map to Auckland city, and it was too early in the morning for me to print it, but figured if worse came to worse, I knew they would let me print it and I would be on my way. Luckily it didn't have to resort to any of that though.

Dear Mum and Dad,

You are probably wondering why I am writing you a letter for the first time in my life. First of all, I want to say how much I love you as my parents, and I am truly blessed to have a mum and dad that have always been there for me.

You have always supported me in everything I do, and provided me with anything I ever needed. You two were strong when I was weak, and you raised me in the best possible Christian upbringing.

Writing you this letter will be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, but I am doing it because I love you and the very thought that this could hurt you is almost enough for me to not say anything at all.

I can no longer keep living a lie however, and I owe it to you as my parents to tell you the truth. I don’t want you guys to one day come home and find me dead in my room, leaving behind a million questions as to why I would ever resort to such a thing. I know that there will never be a right time to tell you this, and it burdens me when there are so many other things going on in your life right now, but know that I am still the same person before and after you read this letter. Here goes… I’m gay.

I realize you will have many thoughts and questions going through your head right now. Why is our son gay? What did we do to make him gay? Will he ever be happy? What will everyone else think? There are probably more questions but let me answer these ones for now, and please take as much time as you need to process all this. If you want me to stay in my room for a few weeks, that is cool. If you want to chuck me out on the street because of this news, well, err, I haven’t planned that far yet, but I can’t begin to fathom anyone’s parents doing such a thing at a time when they need the utmost support.

The first thing I want you to know is that I have always been gay. I would love to tell you that this is just a temporary phase or that I can change, but sadly that is not the case. I have been gay for as long as I can remember. I don’t know why, I just know that I am. This was never a choice either. In my teenage years I thought I was just going through a hormonal phase and thought nothing of it, but my feelings never changed. As time went on I began to realize that I was indeed gay, and that it wasn’t a phase, but was kept in silence because society told me it is not normal and morally wrong.

So why am I gay? Only God knows the answer to this question, and He makes no mistakes. Maybe it is for me to realize that everyone deserves to be loved, and that discriminating against others is not the answer. No matter what religion you are in or where you come from.

After almost ten years of being in denial and struggling with that very question of ‘why am I gay’ myself, I have finally accepted who I am. When I was thirteen (this being as far back as I can remember having a conscience) I always knew I was different. I couldn’t describe this particular sort of ‘different’ though. I firmly believe I was born this way, and trust me when I say this. Nothing that either of you two did made me gay. This is who I am. Just like everyone who has no say in their pre-assigned gender, skin colour, hair colour, race or nationality. I cannot change my sexual preference, and up until now I have been keeping this secret from you.

Being gay is never a ‘choice’ as most people tend to think it is. I have gone through a million battles in my head, and not once did I ever ‘choose’ to be gay, as I always felt this way from the moment I had a conscience. The only choice I felt I needed to address was whether or not to tell you all of this. At one point in time I had to come to the conclusion that:

A) If I came out, it meant that one day I will be happy, but it would also potentially mean losing my entire family over something I cannot change, and furthermore, is something that is not generally tolerated in today’s society for whatever reason. Personally, I call it ‘ignorance’.

OR

B) If I kept living this lie and did not come out, I would never be happy, but I would probably keep my family and live in denial and suicidal depression, but ultimately end up topping myself. Suicide is not the answer here. It shouldn’t even be an option, but the reality is it happens to most gay people going through what I am going through right now.

I did not want to have to choose between the two, nor did I want to keep living a lie and top myself, because I want both my happiness and my family.

Nothing you two ever did made me gay. Please know that. It has taken me many years to come to terms with who I am, and many nights I cried and tried to ‘pray the gay away’, but received no answers as to why I felt like this.

God would not make me straight or ‘cure’ me no matter how many times I prayed or read the bible. He seems present in so many circumstances (getting me through rough times at school like when Kayne was miraculously moved from my graphics class after wanting me to join some satanic band at a time when the timetables were already set in concrete, and watching a soccer ball hit that Kerryn kid on the head from out of nowhere when he was hurling abuse at me for example), but it’s almost like he just leaves me alone to deal with my sexuality.

This is the real reason I started to hate going to church. It wasn’t because I hated God or anything, it was simply because I felt judged and unaccepted by the very people who are supposed to be role models of love and acceptance in today’s society (yet ironically condone and passionately hate those who are Gay, Lesbian, Bi-sexual, or Transgender), and I wanted answers so desperately from God, and I never received them.

I accept who I am now. I am still not ready for the overwhelming rejection I will inevitably face in the future, but I strongly believe that I was born this way to set an example for others that are going through the same things I have my entire life.

Will I ever be happy? I would like to think so. Writing this certainly does not make me happy, that is for sure. I think my true happiness ultimately depends on whether you guys still love and accept me unconditionally for who I am and what I stand for. I am still the same person before and after you have read this letter, only now you know the whole me.

What will everyone else think? I cannot say for certain as everyone’s opinions are different, but I acknowledge the real world isn’t exactly sympathetic or understanding and I have to psych myself up somehow for the shear hatred I will ultimately receive from society and probably my own relatives and family. I found comfort in a quote on the internet a few days ago though, which said “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind”.

I know myself enough now to realize God didn’t want everyone to discriminate against and judge each other. He loves all of us, and I know that deep down inside I am not a bad person or a sinner for being myself. There was also something that hit home for me from the bible, and that was “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”. Well, this is my weakness.

Finally accepting who I am has been a somewhat humbling experience because for a long time now I’ve seen the worst in humanity (probably why I am not a people person), and have finally learnt to take everyone as who they are rather than what they are. I have seen people being discriminated against because of their weight, height, gender, hair colour, skin colour, sexual preference, nationality, race and religion. Take Sophie Lancaster’s story for example. She was kicked to death by a bunch of guys just because she looked gothic. To me, that is seriously messed up, and so is treating anyone else like a second class citizen just because of who they are or who they love.

Now the following may hurt you, but know that it is never intentional. I just want to tell you how I feel and hope to sort these issues out as a family so that one day we can all get along, long after this letter has been read.

Mum, it hurts me when you shout out homophobic slurs such as ‘faggots’, ‘must be gay’ and ‘ew gay’, because that is me you’re talking about.

And Dad, it hurts me when you say things like ‘Oh a fudge packer ey?’ like the other day when a contestant and his boyfriend were on Master Chef, because that is me you’re talking about.

I don’t expect anyone, including you guys, to understand the millions of thoughts, feelings, and psychological crap I have had to deal with on a daily basis for the past ten years, but I hope that one day you can tolerate me to the point of not making any homophobic slurs in front of me, because it is truly hurtful and makes me suicidally depressed coming from my own loving and supporting parents.

It has taken an immense amount of courage for me to write this letter, and I am telling you this in writing form because to me it is the best way of jotting down everything I feel I need to address, because as you know I am not very good with speeches.

I know all this isn’t easy for you guys to read. Not many parents have to go through this, and I am sorry that you have to. I’ve had my whole life to come to terms with being gay, and it has still been extremely difficult. I hope that your journey of accepting and loving me doesn't take as many years as it has for me.

We now have a great opportunity to become closer than we ever have. A chance to share all my hopes and aspirations for my life. I still love you and will always love you just the same, and I hope that you can continue loving me and being happy for me as you always have.

On another note, there’s also the issue of telling family, friends and relatives. To be honest, I have been focusing much of my thoughts to this point on telling you, and I haven’t yet thought much about which friends and relatives to tell, or when. But this is something I think should be discussed as a family, and it’s a decision I want to make as a family.

Mum, Dad, I know the coming weeks and months will be difficult for all of us, as we struggle to come to terms as a family with the news I’ve just shared. Please understand that I’m not trying to hurt you, rather, I want to try to bring you into a part of my life that you may only now be realizing you have been missing from. This is by no means an easy task, and I’m ready to be patient. There is so much else to say, so much that I will have to leave for later. But I want you to remember, Mum and Dad, that I am the same person today that I was yesterday.

Whenever you have questions or issues you feel you’re ready to discuss, please don’t hesitate to ask me. I want to be there for you, to help you through this, just as I hope you will be there for me. Mum and Dad, I will always love you.

Your son,

Jordan

—————————————————————————————–

P.S. I came across a couple things which may help you guys, as well as me, in coming to terms with all of this.

http://www.bennygresham.blogspot.co.nz/

Since accepting myself for who I am, and deep down inside knowing that this is a part of Gods plan in finding myself, I am trying to find answers as to how I can balance the revelation of my sexuality and religion at the same time, and the above site was great.

It talks about how Brian Houston from Hillsong understands where the LGBT community are coming from, that it is not ok to discriminate and hate on others in the name of God, and that encouraging gay people to change who they are by going through these ‘ex-gay’ programs (which are now banned and discouraged) seriously messes with their mind psychologically – to the point of suicide, and that it does not work.

There are many gay Christians who are living a life of love, equality and acceptance, but most importantly, God.

Here is also an important message from Ellen Degeneres talking about bullying, and that people dealing with being gay need to stay alive to know that it gets better.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBUMugqDRHg

If there was anything I could have done differently in my coming out letter, it would have been to provide more links, perhaps some coming out stories and it gets better videos to help my parents understand a bit more, and provide links to places like this amazing forum where they can ask questions and receive answers from parents who have gone through the same thing, but either way it worked out well in the end.

Hope that helps 😀 feel free to copy any of my coming out letter in your own letter 😉 Note though that some parts were copied from HillsBen's coming out letter (you may want to read it – it's really good) which can be found somewhere on these forums. It helped me tremendously. We're here for you Amila, keep strong 🙂

God Bless,

~Jordan

Hey :D,

I put the 8 printed & stapled pages inside a blank envelope addressed 'mum and dad' and put it at the bottom of the stairs (I still have it all on a word document on my computer too). The links weren't clickable so they would of had to type it in the internet address bar, or search for the sites online – so in that regard an email would be more helpful, though emails can be forwarded to others, and you might not be ready for the whole world to know incase things get nasty. I have heard of stories where this guy's brother found out he was gay via some chat messaging thing and blabbed it to his whole school. In doing so, the trust he had in his brother was completely destroyed.

Pastor Rob Buckingham is a legend indeed, I only recently heard about him on these forums and since then I've wanted to go to his sermons because this guy is legit! Though he's in Australia, but if I ever go there I would definitely love to hear his words of wisdom. The world needs more pastors like him. I love the part when he says 'For God so loved THE WORLD that WHOEVER believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life' then he says 'anyone not a part of whoever?', It was brilliant. I'm a part of whoever, and I just happen to be gay as well 😀

God Bless you Amila, and I look forward to reading your letter 🙂

~Jordan

Okay Jordan.. I got the idea.. I kinda have it all planned in my head now.. just gotta put this plan into action. I feel like a detective suddenly LOL.. 😀 thank you once again for all the help…Im gonna be doing my letter today since I'l be staying in the hospital with my dad since he has to undergo a surgery so I have time to stay awake and write… I totally agree with you about Pastor Rob…. Thank God for people like him.. Im planning on moving to australia once im done with my degree.. hope that works out.. I can actually meet him and talk to him… looking forward to that.. 🙂

Ann Maree… thank you so much for the help.. well I dont live in Australia (i'm from Sri lanka) and im not very sure if my parents would be open to talk to someone they'd not even met or known.. im not really sure if that would be an option but I could provide some websites that offer help.. as for your question… I wish I had some idea as to how they would react.. Im not really sure if my mum knows what being gay means.. I might have to do lots of explaining telling them about sexuality and how its not a choice etc.. its a challenge but with God NOTHING is impossible.. 😀

Thank you for your prayers and support

God Bless you

Amila

Hey Amila 😀 that's an amazing letter. If there's anything I would change it would be this particular paragraph:

I realize you will have many thoughts and questions going through your head right now. Why is our son gay? What did we do to make him gay? Will he ever be happy? What will everyone else think? There are probably more questions but let me answer these ones for now, and please take as much time as you need to process all this. If you want me to stay clear for a few weeks, that is okay. Take as much time as you need and ask many questions as you can, but in the end of the day there’s just one thing I’m asking from you. Accept me please.

I would reword it to something like this:

I realize you will have many thoughts and questions going through your head right now. Why is our son gay? What did we do to make him gay? Will he ever be happy? What will everyone else think? There are probably more questions but let me answer these ones for now, and please take as much time as you need to process all of this. If you want me to stay clear for a few weeks, that is okay. Take as much time as you need and don’t hesitate to ask me any questions you may have.

Before I go any further, I want to share this with you. Ma, pa, know that I will always love you. My hope is that after this letter has been read, you guys can continue supporting, accepting and loving me unconditionally for who I am and what I believe in, just as you always have. Please know too that I am still the same person before and after you read this.

I included a second paragraph as it makes the letter flow a bit easier (as it builds up to the first thing you want your parents to know). It was just the last bit 'accept me please' in the paragraph which I personally felt may come across as a bit forced, rather than asking them to continue accepting, loving and supporting you as they always have – so I took it out completely and reworded it. I think parents need confirmation that they are doing the right thing for their child and this reworded paragraph comes across much easier in my opinion.

Other than that I wouldn't change a thing, that was a great letter Amila, well done ^_^

God bless,

~Jordan