So here we are… with lots of support from you I have finally written my letter.. Jordan since you gave me permission I have added parts of your letter and added things that I wanted to say in the places I thought were appropriate.. Though im not very sure if the websites will be helpful I added them in case they decide to visit and read. Im actually thinking of calling a friend up and spending the night over at his place and leave the letter in my parent's room and leave. That way they could both read together and talk about it. What do u think of that idea?? let me know ok? read the letter and tell me if I shud make any edits…
Thank you 🙂
Dear Mama and Papa,
You both must be wondering why I’m writing a letter to you for the first time in my life. First of all I would like to tell you how awesome you both are and that every day I thank God for blessing me with such wonderful loving parents.
You have always supported me in everything I do, and provided me with anything I ever needed. You two were strong when I was weak, and you raised me in the best possible Christian upbringing.
Writing you this letter will be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, but I am doing it because I love you and the very thought that this could hurt you is almost enough for me to not say anything at all.
I can no longer keep living a lie however, and I owe it to you as my parents to tell you the truth. I don’t want you guys to one day come home and find me dead in my room, leaving behind a million questions as to why I would ever resort to such a thing. I know that there will never be a right time to tell you this, and it burdens me when there are so many other things going on in your life right now, but know that I am still the same person before and after you read this letter. Here goes… I’m gay.
First of all let me tell you what that means because I think that many people have a misconception about what it exactly means. Being gay doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with my reproductive system and that I can’t have children. Being gay means that I’m attracted to the same sex as me. I know that in our culture things that are outside the common have been regarded as taboo and this too is viewed by many as taboo. But after years and years of reading and research of my own I have come to understand that this is very normal in the human race as well as in the animal kingdom. Many psychologists after years of research have concluded that human sexuality is a very complex subject and that factors such as genes, environment in the uterus and many other unknown factors play a significant role in determining one’s sexual orientation.
I realize you will have many thoughts and questions going through your head right now. Why is our son gay? What did we do to make him gay? Will he ever be happy? What will everyone else think? There are probably more questions but let me answer these ones for now, and please take as much time as you need to process all this. If you want me to stay clear for a few weeks, that is okay. Take as much time as you need and ask many questions as you can, but in the end of the day there’s just one thing I’m asking from you. Accept me please.
The first thing I want you to know is that I have always been gay. I would love to tell you that this is just a temporary phase or that I can change, but sadly that is not the case. I have been gay for as long as I can remember. I don’t know why, I just know that I am. This was never a choice either. In my teenage years I thought I was just going through a hormonal phase and thought nothing of it, but my feelings never changed.
As time went on I began to realize that I was indeed gay, and that it wasn’t a phase, but was kept in silence because society told me it is not normal and morally wrong.
So why am I gay? Only God knows the answer to this question, and He makes no mistakes. Maybe it is for me to realize that everyone deserves to be loved, and that discriminating against others is not the answer. No matter what religion you are in or where you come from.
For almost 8 years I tried to “change” who I was, you both know how many Christian camps I attended and this I did partly because I wanted God to change me, to make me “normal” cause I couldn’t bear to hurt you, the people I love the most in this whole world. Since I was in grade 8 in school I began to realize that everyone had girlfriends and that I was never attracted to girls. I wondered what was wrong with me, I was so confused and scared I thought that I had some mental disorder and worried day and night. I prayed everyday that God would change me but nothing happened. God answered every other prayer of mine but when it came to this He remained silent. I never understood why, but now I do. He wanted me to be happy with who He created me to be.
I firmly believe I was born this way, and trust me when I say this. Nothing that either of you two did made me gay. This is who I am. Just like everyone who has no say in their pre-assigned gender, skin colour, hair colour, race or nationality. I cannot change my sexual preference, and up until now I have been keeping this secret from you.
Being gay is never a ‘choice’ as most people tend to think it is. I have gone through a million battles in my head, and not once did I ever ‘choose’ to be gay, as I always felt this way from the moment I had a conscience. The only choice I felt I needed to address was whether or not to tell you all of this. At one point in time I had to come to the conclusion that:
A) If I came out(told you that I was gay), it meant that one day I will be happy, but it would also potentially mean losing my entire family over something I cannot change, and furthermore, is something that is not generally tolerated in today’s society for whatever reason. I think it’s due to the lack of education on this subject.
B) If I kept living this lie and did not come out, I would never be happy, but I would probably keep my family and live in denial and suicidal depression, but ultimately end up ending this wonderful life that God has blessed me with. Suicide is not the answer here. It shouldn’t even be an option, but the reality is it happens to most gay people going through what I am going through right now.
I know that even though we never talked about it you both must always wonder why that day I tried to kill myself. Well, now you know the answer. I felt that I couldn’t live my life without hurting the people I loved and that ending life was better than to watch people hurt and be depressed by it. The sad thing is that the day Nanda caught me was not the first time I tried it and it wasn’t the last. I tried my best to bare this on my own but it only caused me more and more depression and my world just became a very dark place where death seemed better than life.
During my first and second years studying in China, I pretended that everything was okay. Whenever you would call me I would put on an act just to make you both happy. Because I love you both so much and I just can’t bear to hurt you both in anyway. But in the third year it was just too much for me. A lot of people in class were calling me names and I just couldn’t handle the stress I was going through on my own. That’s when I decided that I was going to open up to you both.
Papa I want to tell you that, that night when you spoke to me I felt so loved by you and that I felt so much at peace cause I didn’t have to act anymore and I felt that when I opened up to you, you opened your arms wide and held me. That gave me so much strength to keep going.
Mama each time you called me before and after exams since that night, I cried after the calls cause I was so moved by your love for me and I felt that I was the most blessed son on earth.
And I think that my mark sheet proves the effect you had on me this semester. The so called hard semester was the very semester that I got the highest marks thus far in my medical studies, and all thanks to the support that you both gave me and after that I felt that with you both to love me and God beside me there was nothing in the world that I couldn’t do. But it also got me thinking and after many many days of thinking and praying I decided that I wouldn’t hide anything from you both and that from now on I want my life to be an open book before you both cause I’ve realized the value of sharing things with you during these past few months of exams.
I want to say this again nothing you two ever did made me gay. Please know that. It has taken me many years to come to terms with who I am, and many nights I cried and tried to ‘pray the gay away’, but received no answers as to why I felt like this.
For many years Shadrach has helped me stay alive in the midst of all the emotional trauma I was going through every day. We prayed many many times that God would change me but nothing happened. For 8 long years I tried everything that people told me to try, I prayed, fasted, read books that Matt and Joe gave me in China, went for conferences, camps, of course all of these helped me improve in my relationship with God but my sexuality still remained the same.
I accept who I am now. I am still not ready for the overwhelming rejection I will inevitably face in the future, but I strongly believe that I was born this way to set an example for others that are going through the same things I have my entire life. I still love God and have a very healthy relationship with Him.
Will I ever be happy? I would like to think so. Writing this certainly does not make me happy, that is for sure. I think my true happiness ultimately depends on whether you guys still love and accept me unconditionally for who I am and what I stand for. I am still the same person before and after you have read this letter, only now you know the whole me. I really don’t want to hide anything from you anymore.
What will everyone else think? I cannot say for certain as everyone’s opinions are different, but I acknowledge the real world isn’t exactly sympathetic or understanding and I have to psych myself up somehow for the shear hatred I will ultimately receive from society and probably my own relatives and family. I found comfort in a quote on the internet a few months ago though, which said:
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind”.
I know myself enough now to realize God didn’t want everyone to discriminate against and judge each other. He loves all of us, and I know that deep down inside I am not a bad person or a sinner for being myself. There was also something that hit me hard from the bible, and that was “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”. Well, this is my weakness.
Finally accepting who I am has been a somewhat humbling experience because for a long time now I’ve seen the worst in humanity and have finally learnt to take everyone as who they are rather than what they are. I have seen people being discriminated against because of their weight, height, gender, hair colour, skin colour, sexual preference, nationality, race and religion. Papa I still remember how when the two of us were at the school science exhibition you pointed at the human skeleton and told me that at the end of the day we were all the same. You taught me how not to discriminate.
It has taken an immense amount of courage for me to write this letter, and I am telling you this in writing form because to me it is the best way of jotting down everything I feel I need to address. I know all this isn’t easy for you guys to read. Not many parents have to go through this, and I am so sorry that you have to. I’ve had my whole life to come to terms with being gay, and it has still been extremely difficult. I hope that your journey of accepting and loving me doesn't take as many years as it has for me.
We now have a great opportunity to become closer than we ever have. A chance to share all my hopes and aspirations for my life. I still love you and will always love you just the same, and I hope that you can continue loving me and being happy for me as you always have.
There’s also the issue of telling family, relatives. To be honest, I have been focusing much of my thoughts to this point on telling you, and I haven’t thought much about which relatives to tell, or when. But this is something I think should be discussed as a family, and it’s a decision I want to make as a family. For now Teena Akki , Osanda Malli, and Ayya know about it, some friends from school and most people in China know too.
Ma and Pa I know the coming weeks and months will be difficult for all of us, as we struggle to come to terms as a family with the news I’ve just shared. Please understand that I’m not trying to hurt you, rather, I want to try to bring you into a part of my life that you may only now be realizing you have been missing from. This is by no means an easy thing to do, and I’m ready to be patient. There is so much else to say, so much that I will have to leave for later. But I want you to remember, that I am the same person today that I was yesterday.
Whenever you have questions or issues you feel you’re ready to discuss, please don’t hesitate to ask me. I want to be there for you, to help you through this, just as I hope you will be there for me.
I will always love you.
P. S : Here are some links that would help you understand about this more. I will send the links by e mail so that you can just click on them and watch the videos and check the websites
This is a sermon by a pastor: Mama I think it would be good if you listened to all of this
Here are some websites you could go to and read more about other parents who have gay and lesbian (girls who are gay) children.