Last night, I did something more terrifying than anything I’ve done in a while. I screwed my courage to the sticking place and went to visit the local AOG church.

I honestly don’t think that I have been so scared as I was last night in many years and it was so silly. I had to stop halfway across the parking lot, to remind myself I was walking into a church, not a firing squad and that these were just people inside this building…probably very nice people given it is a country church. 😆

Well, I was not proven wrong. I was greeted at the door by the pastor’s wife who laughed when I told her I was feeling a bit nervous. “Oh we’re all friendly here. No need to worry!”

I was introduced to so many people whose names I am sure I won’t remember, and they went out of their way to make me feel welcome and put me at ease.

Oddly enough, I was handed a leaflet when I arrived, advertising Sy Rogers’ Sense & Sexuality seminars on the Sunshine Coast next weekend. That surprised me a little…

The praise and worship was nice, and I enjoyed the sermon (there was a guest speaker).

One of the first songs they sang, really made me think–in fact, I am still thinking about it and it’s past 3 in the morning.

The words were something along the lines of: “I know you’re with me every moment, I’m proud to call you my friend…and they can never take you away from me.”

It kind of struck home that no matter what anyone thinks of me, they don’t own my spirituality and they can’t take it from me.

So I enjoyed it, once I got over my nerves. Was not surprised to come across people there who knew me from years ago (AOG is a small world!)

I might go back again and just take it slowly and see how things pan out. I have a lot of misgivings and a lot to be doubtful/nervous about, but I am going to adopt a don’t ask, don’t tell approach until it is absolutely necessary.

Wonder how long it will take?

it can be quite daunting can’t it Meg. Here is what i wrote about my first experience in Chapter 20 of my autobiography when I returned after a 7 year absence.

When I returned to Sydney I had a strong feeling that I should go back to church but couldn’t understand why or how, as a gay man, I could fit into a context that said I would go to hell because of who I was. I’d learnt how important it was to respond to the inner promptings that had now become a regular part of my life, so I went.

‘No,’ I replied, a little shocked by such a confronting greeting. ‘I’m very much alive and doing extremely well.’ Walking out of the building that night I knew instantly why I was meant to go. It was obvious to me that the issues were resolved, the questions answered and nothing anyone could do or say could shake the belief I had in myself and my relationship with God. The overwhelming sense of peace was incredible. I would never again allow another person to condemn or judge me—no longer would anyone have this kind of power over my life.

it can be quite daunting can’t it Meg. Here is what i wrote about my first experience in Chapter 20 of my autobiography when I returned after a 7 year absence.

I remember reading that part in your book when I first got it, Anthony and how it brought tears, and a sense of longing when I read it. I wanted to go ‘home’ leaving my church wasn’t just walking away from a building, a ritual–it was leaving my family. I’d been an active committed member of some church or other since the 1970s and now I had nowhere to go, and no place I belonged.

I felt homeless, lost, in a sea of confusion and I didn’t know what to do. Right when I needed that support system most, I felt that I had to cut myself off from it, because they would only try to smother my newly discovered truth.

I went to other churches from time to time but it never really gelled I always felt like I was a square peg trying to force my corners into a round hole.

I don’t know if I have found a home at this church or not, but I am willing to start building the bridge from my side of the divide. That’s all I can do.

Boy oh boy does anyone have a kleenex? I could use one! 😥

The gay person is stuck in the past. There are people in churches now who no longer believe the old teachings on homosexuality. For the person returning they are still in the mindset of how things were not as they are now. This can often be a hindrance to connection because they are looking for and expecting rejection not acceptance and love.

Does that make sense.

That makes a lot of sense, Anthony and tallies with a dream I had when I finally fell into bed this morning. It was not a dream about church, but it was about washing my hair with musk scented oil.

I have long had a gift to interpret dreams, and the symbolism of this dream is very telling.

Washing the hair in a dream speaks about clearing out old thinking and old ways of approaching things, getting rid of old attitudes and mindsets and starting afresh…

Musk is a symbol of joy, and oil is a symbol of spirtuality/spirit in dreams.

I was able to smell the musk in my dream, and being able to smell musk in a dream says that the joy will be from an ‘unexpected’ source.

So what my dream is telling me is that I will find spiritual joy from an unexpected source if I approach things with a new mindset.

Whether that means in this new church, or not, I don’t know, but it is a wonderful affirming dream to have had as I step out on this new path.

I hope no one minds me talking about my dream and its meaning here.

Yes, I hear what you’re saying. I think I was kind of doing that, too. Thinking of where AOG was ten years ago, rather than thinking “This is a new day.” What was the old saying? “Harking back to Egypt” that was going around in the late 80s in the churches.

I was harking back to Egypt and not giving the church a chance to prove whether it is still the same, or different. I’m going to take my dream to heart and ‘wash the old ideas away’ so I won’t miss the joy that might come from trying a new thing.

I’m feeling very encouraged, Anthony! 🙂