Happy New Year people!!!!

I was just browsing the topics (as you do!) and was enjoying Ben’s link to his blog entry and then, I guess in thinking about my own story – started to consider the long-term effects of some of the things we’ve all been through.

I guess whatever stage we’re currently at: single, in a relationship, previously married, A side B side (or whatever the latest weird and wonderful terminology is) – the depths of hopelessness that many of us have experienced – to the point of suicide contemplation and attempts – what does this do to us on a deeper existential (perhaps spiritual) level?

So that’s my question. Has anyone else considered this? Is there some deep spiritual “thingy” (being deliberately inarticulate just to lighten the subject) that gets triggered at the point of such despair? Can we ever fully and completely recover from that or are there long-term reverberations that follow us through life?

Personally, I can say that the journey to acceptance (which is taking longer than I imagined!) has enabled me to finally increasingly experience true happiness/contentment/joy and no longer see these things as myths. But I do wonder whether past flirtations with seeking to bring an end to ones existence (ie suicide attempts) could/will remain a dark shadow throughout an entire life, given the fact that suicide is so diametrically opposed to our human instinct for self preservation/or our God given desire for eternity?? Wha’dya think?

Nic

Ah well this is ummm…. deep 😆

I’m not a fan of spiritualism or spiritual thingy’s on principal so I hope you don’t mind if I answer if from a psychological perspective insted.

I’m no expert on suicide or hopelessness but I imagine it would take something huge to produce such feelings. Such a circumstance is not easily resolved emotionally. Even when the physical manifestations of the inner tourmiol (i.e. you finally home away from home and away from abuse) it doesn’t mean they heal emotionally within the same timeframe. It could take years for such things to heal or perhaps even never if the individual doesn’t prod the process along or is resistant. Maybe the deep pain still felt either as a low hum constantly or as sharp flash backs is what you are talking about.

On a more philospohical level which may be more what you are getting at is, as you mentioned the complete anti-Darwinistic nature of suicide. It’s a hard thing to wrap your mind around sometimes… that you would take your own life even if you are completly healed from the event. Suicide is some would say essentially murder of yourself… which is why the Catholics dub it a very grave sin so it also takes some reckoning that we would be capable of that kind of thing. I am certian that I don’t have it in me to kill another person, nor have I ever thought seriously about it. But is killing myself not the same thing essentially or is it somehow justified because I “own” my own life and I make that choice? Just some more things to add to the pot 😀

Hey Nic

Great post, very open & vulnerable of you to ask it 🙂

I, like many who struggled with how their Sexuality & Christianity fits hit some very low points.

Through 5 years of ex-gay work (with no success), i became suicidal & very depressed. I felt so isolated & distant from God, myself & everyone in my life.

When i finally made the decision to stop repressing my sexuality & look at how i might accept who i was it changed my life drastically.

I did struggle with my self esteem initially, as i worked through the biblical and theological issues of non-heteromormative life. BUT, after about a year things started to really shift for me.

My partner & i have been together for eight & a half years, we have a 2 and a half year old son. We own a house in the mountains, have a mixed group of really fabulous friends in our lives & great families.

I am more secure in my faith than i have ever been & feel (for the most part) strongly connected to Christ. I am also in the last 6 months of my Bachelor of theology & internship to become ordained (hopefully).

Anyhow, life is truly BRILLIANT!!! Not to say it isn’t hard or stressful at times, but overall, things are wonderful.

I do honestly believe that we can all live fulfilling lives.

I also believe that for some, mental health issues will always be something they will have to deal with no matter what their experiences, sexuality or gender (straight, queer, trans etc). Getting as much support as possible, seeing a therapist, gp, etc, are all very useful & valuable tools to assist us in being as well as we all can possibly be.

Also, if we are spiritually inclined, the process of prayer & growth in our relationship with Christ (or what ever your thang is) is integral to breakthrough and health.

I think that our past always marks us, gives us scar’s and changes us forever. But, i also believe & hope that we all can move beyond our pasts & into a future that aknowleges our past, but also lives in the joy of now and future.

Ok, so thats enough blabbing on for me & saying my thoughts 🙂

As someone who has got to this place in the last year. Last Easter to be quite precise. I will answer it from then, until now. At the time, I did not believe in a christian God. I believed in a greater being or pantheistic point of God.

I was ready to die and the thing that stopped me was God. God said to me “Jannah, stop!” then he told me to be patient and wait for two dates, both of which came to pass very accurately, and were entirely outside of my control. Anyway, that process of being in that place actually had a positive impact on my life. For me, it was never about self loathing ikn that sense. It was more about life just not being worth it, and I had struggled with that concept for my life till that point. What was the point?

I don’t agree with that now. From a spiritual perspective all it did was make me vulnerable enough to hear God, and vulnerable to listen. I now have an amazing relationship with God, where I am blessed in some way almost daily. I don’t have any doubts about life, even in the bad and sad times. God and I talk daily and in a very real, non religious way. Sometimes, i swear, sometimes, im angry, sometimes, im confused. But, the thing for me is, it is so real and just us.

So, in essence, in answer to your question, I think it is entirely circumstantial. How you end up continuing your llife, where your spiritual life is at, what you feel about yourself. I think it can have a deep spiritual effect (leave a mark), based on your response to it.

If I think about that time, it brings sadness, it brings back the hurt, but not on the same level, not in a sense that it is now. Just in a sense, of rememberance… an Ah yes! that hurt way too much, and Im sad for that place Jannah was in… but not in a way where it is still present hurt…

These past few weeks, I’ve been able to utilise those feelings and understand someone else a little better, be more patient, and grieve with them, not just sit with them whilst they grieve, really share and hold them in a very understanding way. I think, in that sense, it has helped me in ministry to better serve others. And, also as a human being…

they’re my thoughts, in a ramble, but my thoughts.

…so true! Thanks Anthony.

Yes, for me it’s the usual story of christian family (pastor’s child in my case)/pentecostal background and yes, in all honesty, it was that balance of fulfilling expectations and fearing eternity that almost sent me over the edge (literally).

Every time I log on to this forum I’m still absolutely blown away by the fact that this story is shared by so many others. Amazing and so very encouraging!

Well, glad to do my bit to keep the closet open. 🙂